“Use me,” he said, his eyes resigned. “Use me for whatever you want. Just stay.”
The words froze me in place. I had to learn how to breathe again before I could speak. “You don’t love her?” I whispered.
He shook his head slowly. “No.”
We stood there in a thick moment of silence. My heart pounded into the quiet.
“Jacob, I am so in love with you I can’t even stand it.”
I watched this information transform his entire face. “What?” he breathed.
“I’m in love with you too. I thought you wanted her. I thought—”
“Say it again.” He swallowed.
“I’m…I’m in love with you.”
I watched the words hit him like a physical thing, pushing the air from his lungs and filling his eyes with hope.
He closed the space between us in three long strides and gathered me to him.
“Say it again,” he whispered.
“I’m in love with you,” I gasped.
“Again.”
“I’m in love with you.”
He laughed, blinking at me through tears.
“This is real?” I asked.
He nodded. “It’s always been real.”
I let out a happy sob.
I could feel it in everything suddenly. The way he touched me, the energy coming off him, the look in his eyes. And then I realized that I had always felt it. This was his quiet. The silence that I couldn’t decipher. It was me.
I was hit with a meteor shower of realizations. I could touch him. I could sleep in his bed and cuddle him on a couch and hold his hand for no fucking reason other than I wanted to. I could kiss him…
He must have been thinking the same thing, because his eyes dropped to my lips.
He put an exploratory hand out to touch me, like he wanted to test that he could. It hovered for a second and then he slipped it gently into my hair at the nape of my neck and put his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. His breath tickled my lips an excruciatingly long moment before he let his warm, soft mouth connect with mine. Every inch of my body came alive.
He kissed me like everything he had was being poured into this beautiful, tender, gentle thing. He folded around me, warm and strong, and I knew I would always remember this living room. The dim lights and the smell of vanilla candles and the limp air mattress by our feet. “Clair de Lune” playing softly from a speaker on a bookshelf, the simple white T-shirt and sweatpants he was wearing that smelled like his body and his soap and Jacob.
I wanted to feel him. I wanted to explore his body like it belonged to me. I wanted to know him with all my senses, with my hands and my eyes and my mouth. I wanted to hear his heartbeat and smell the warmth that clung to his skin.
And he wanted that too.
I couldn’t believe it. It was real.
I started to tear up.
Jacob pulled away and looked down at me. “What’s wrong?”
I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head.
He brushed the hair off my forehead with a soft thumb. “What? Tell me.”
“This is what it feels like to be truly loved. I’ve never felt it before. And I didn’t even realize it until just now.”
He smiled at me gently. “Yes. This is what it feels like.”
And we stayed there holding each other, inseparable, immovable, tangled like a tree that had grown into a chain-link fence.
Chapter 42
Jacob
No fair, you’re leaning,” she said, smiling up at me, biting her lip.
I was leaning. She was right.
Briana had her back to the wall in the hallway of the hotel, and we were playing the game where we stood as close as possible like we wanted to kiss. Lieutenant Dan sat at our feet. We were waiting for Jewel and Gwen to come out so we could walk down to the ceremony. It was the wedding day.
I stood about an inch from Briana in my suit. She had on a green cocktail dress and heels.
“You can’t kiss me,” she teased. “I have my lipstick on.”
“Can I do this?” I asked, my voice low, leaning down to press my lips to her bare shoulder. “Or how about this?” I moved to her collarbone. “Or this?” Her neck.
She was already out of breath. “You better stop,” she whispered.
“Or what?” I said, my lips so close to her skin I could practically feel her pulse.
“Or you’re going to have to take me back to the room,” she breathed.
“Then let’s go back to the room…”
“Oh my God, knock it off,” Jewel called, coming out of her room with Gwen and the twins.
Briana and I laughed, and I backed away from her.
Carter and Katrina ran to me, and I crouched in my suit to pick them up. Carter was the ring bearer, so he was in a little tux with a pink boutonniere. Katrina was the flower girl, so she had on a poofy white dress and a crown of fresh pink flowers.
“What socks?” Carter asked.
“Alligators. And look what Briana has.” I nodded at her.
Briana pulled her hair off her shoulder to show him her green smiling-alligator earrings.
The twins giggled and squirmed away from me to run toward the elevator.
Jewel looked exasperated. “I have to deliver these two to Mom in the bridal suite. You guys should go sit. Jill and Walter are already down there.”
“Where’s Jane?” I asked.
“Meeting her date in the lobby,” Gwen said, still putting in an earring.
“Jane has a date?”
My sister was shy and didn’t usually bring boyfriends around until they’d been together for a while.
“That’s what she said,” Gwen replied. “She was very hush-hush about it.”
I raised my eyebrows at Briana. “A date.”
She gave me a wow face.
I loved that Briana knew my sisters. That our worlds were blending. I loved that we got to hold hands even when no one was around to see it. I got to touch her when I felt like touching her—which, frankly, was all the time. We had sex like we were trying to make up for every day we wanted to and couldn’t. Over the last month all my cardio was in bed.
We texted I Love You to each other from across the ER at work. Left it in little notes. Whispered it in the dark. Said it right in the middle of a conversation, just because we could.
My life was a fairy tale.
I didn’t take one second with her for granted. I swore to myself I never would. Being able to hold her while we watched a movie or come up behind her to hug her while she drank her coffee or put a hand on her thigh under a table—it was all a gift. A privilege. And I vowed always to honor that. I wrote about it in my journal—when I had time to journal. I was too busy living the dream that was my life to sit down and document it. But I was so happy.
We got to the courtyard where the ceremony would be taking place and took our seats. There was a trellis dripping with flowers where Amy and Jeremiah would say their vows. The weather was perfect, and the smell of roses ensconced us.
“The wedding coordinator did a good job,” Briana said, looking around. “I love weddings.”
I peered at her. “Would you ever want to get remarried?” I asked.
She gave me a look. “You don’t have to be married to spend the rest of your life with someone.”
“You don’t want to marry me?”
She gave me an amused look. “Are you asking?”