I know I’ve fucked up before I even head out of my cabin with my bags and I fucking hate myself.
I couldn’t get good enough service to call Ethan back in my room, so I’ve decided to do it from the road. I’ll call JJ too, let him know I’m not coming anymore. As much as I don’t want to, I know I need to head home and face whatever is waiting for me. I miss Aurora and that makes no sense, because I’m the reason she isn’t here and I fucking hate myself for that as well. I’ll call her from the road, beg for forgiveness, pray I haven’t hurt her too badly.
I’ve sent her to see her dad believing I’m mad at her and that she’s done something wrong, when it’s my fault because I don’t know how to process things without clamming up like an asshole. I can’t even enjoy the walk through camp back to my truck, despite the last ten weeks being the happiest I’ve been in my life.
I just keep thinking the same thing: of course she answered the phone. She’s my girlfriend and it wouldn’t be a problem for a normal fucking person. But I’m not normal. I’ve let the shame and embarrassment eat at me for years, scared that if I let someone in it’d ruin things. I didn’t let her in, not fully, and I’ve managed to ruin us anyway.
Keeping my head down as I pass the people I’ve worked alongside, hoping they don’t notice me or want to say goodbye. Thankfully nobody stops me, my keys are primed in my hand to get out of here as quickly as I can.
I’m watching my feet scrape against the dusty parking lot when I hear her clear her throat, forcing me to look up. Her bags are littering the floor around her, she’s biting her fingernails, anxiously tapping her foot.
“I’ve never begged a man before,” she says, and as confident as she sounds, she doesn’t look it. I know how big this is for her. I know what kind of courage this took. “But you’re the first of many things for me.”
“Rory . . .”
“I don’t want you to be my first heartbreak.” Another piece of me breaks off. “Either we get into the truck together and for the next four hours we talk, or we can sit in silence and when we get to Maple Hills we go our separate ways. You can tell me as little or as much about your dad as you want. You’re in control of what you’re ready to share with me.” She picks up her bags from the floor. “But you can tell me everything about how you’re feeling. You wanna be together? This is how we’re doing it. We’re not miscommunicators, Russ. We share our secrets.”
“I’m so sorry, Ror.” She drops her bags as I speed toward her, crushing her in a hug. I instantly feel better having her in my arms again. “I was going to call you and grovel as soon as I was on the road. I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes,” she says harshly. “You do. I don’t need you to grovel. You don’t need to punish yourself for being overwhelmed. I just need you to not push me away.”
Word by word, I feel her gluing me back together. “What about the wedding?”
“You’re my first choice, Russ,” she whispers, burying her head into my neck. “Where you go, I go. You don’t have to face this alone.”
“But your dad . . .”
“Will survive. I think we both know by now he doesn’t really care anyway. I can try to twist it in lots of different ways that make me feel in control, but let’s be honest, I probably wouldn’t be invited if there wasn’t press there.” She shrugs. “If he wanted me to listen to his demands, maybe he should have held me accountable all the times I broke the rules.”
“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I’m so fucking lucky to have you.” Her mouth crashes into mine, frantic and desperate, and I can’t help but match everything she’s giving to me. I’m still scared about what we’re heading back to, but I know she’s by my side.
It doesn’t take long for me to load our things into my truck and get onto the road. I know that any time now, I need to start talking. Going our separate ways isn’t an option for me and if she leaves, the only person I’d have to blame for that is myself. I’ll have been the one who pushed her away when she was trying to pull me close.
She sits quietly beside me while I call JJ to tell him I’m not visiting him anymore. He’s understandably bummed, but as soon as I drop “family drama” he tells me not to worry and he’ll see me next time he’s in LA.
“He’s a bit like a brother, isn’t he,” Rory says quietly when the call ends.
“Yeah, he’s kind of like the older brother I wanted but didn’t have.”
She nods. “Like Jenna for me.”
There are so many things in our lives that mirror one another and I need to trust that if anyone is going to understand and help me, it’s going to be her. She’s turned my world upside down and there’s no reason she won’t now.
“My dad has an addiction to gambling,” I say, not taking my eyes off the road. “Horses mainly, because it’s easy to do, but he loves casinos and poker. He left me sitting outside a casino in the car once for hours when I was younger, that’s when mom realized he had a problem. He drinks, too, but it’s always because of the betting. Celebrate or commiserate kind of thing, y’know?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m embarrassed and that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. What type of parent would pick a slip of paper over their kid? What does that say about me if I’m not even worth more than some shitty odds and a horse.” I can’t help but laugh. “I told you the horrible things he’s said to me. Those were times he was drunk or I wouldn’t send him money. When you hear something enough times you can’t help but begin to believe it, Rory. I didn’t want you to think the things about me he does.”
“I could never,” she says instantly, rubbing the back of my neck with her palm. “Because they’re not true.”
“All I’ve wanted is for him to get better. When he turned up here that day we got caught and I told you he’d had a fight with my mom, he actually told me my mom had thrown him out. He said he was going to get better, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up that he would. When you told me what Ethan said, you’re right, I felt overwhelmed.
“Overwhelmed because you finally knew. Overwhelmed because it’s what I’ve wanted for years. Overwhelmed because it doesn’t feel real. It’s like when you wish for something so much but when you get it, it seems too good to be true. He’s let me down so much that I’m scared to trust that this is the time where things change.”
“You told me expecting change is like repeatedly putting your hand in a fire and expecting it not to burn you. I want to hold your hand so you don’t have to put it in the fire, Russ. Recovery isn’t easy for anyone, not just the addict; for you too. It sounds like your dad has taken the step to try to get better, but nobody is going to force you to forgive him. I will physically fight your brother for you if he tries.”
“What if he burns you too? My family is a mess.”
She laughs and I swear her smile could fix anything. “Fire can’t burn fire. I will raze Maple Hills to the ground before he gets a chance to make you feel shitty about yourself again. Also, family mess? Hello? The poster child for daddy issues right here.”
I take her hand and press the back of it to my mouth. “You never have to feel embarrassed with me. Maybe the universe wasn’t trying to fuck us over. Maybe it knew we needed each other, because I do need you, Russ. You’re the best thing to happen to me and, more importantly, I want to be there for you through this in whatever way you want me to be.”
“I don’t even know what recovery entails. I don’t know what make amends even means. How the fuck is he going to do that? It’s been such a long time.”
“Why don’t we call your brother so you can hear it from him and anything we don’t understand I can google? I won’t even call him an asshole.”
“Thank you, Aurora.”