Julie Rodriguez, having a hard time finding work? I’d assume everyone would jump at the chance to have her in their film. She’s stunning, and talented, and hardworking, and kind, and—well, she’s also a woman. I shouldn’t forget my own privilege as a cis guy.
“It’s like child stars have an even earlier expiration date,” she says. “Expiration dates, as if we humans are products instead of living, breathing people. But it’s true. If we don’t manage to redefine ourselves, no one in this industry takes us seriously because we got typecast so young. I stopped getting auditions the second I turned eighteen. I’m twenty-five now. I probably have another good ten years before people decide I’m too old to be hired in any prominent roles just because I’m a woman, let alone because I’m also a former child star.”
“I had no idea it was that hard.”
“Oh, yeah,” she says. “But there isn’t any point in complaining. You’ve got struggles, too, I’m sure.”
Everything she said makes me think about Logan. I wonder if he had any trouble finding work because of his history as a child star also. Maybe Julie can feel me wondering this, or maybe Logan just happens to be on her mind, too.
“How’re things going with you and Gray?” she says, glancing up at me from her coffee.
The question catches me off guard. I sit up straight. “Great. Really great.”
She nods slowly. “I have to admit, I was kind of shocked to see that you’re dating him,” she says. “Not that it’s any of my business, but the way he’s treated you so far hasn’t been—well, it hasn’t been the best.”
That’s true, more than she even realizes. “Yeah. He apologized for that, and we got to know each other pretty well.”
“Really?” she asks, watching me carefully. “We’d been friends once, you know, when we were on set together.”
“Oh,” I say. He’d made it sound like he never had a single friend in his life.
She nods. “We got pretty close, and then one day—out of nowhere, he pulled away and told me to leave him alone. I was only fifteen at the time, so it really hurt my feelings.” I want to tell her it still hurts, even at twenty-three. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I just want you to be careful. Gray can be really hurtful.”
“Do you know why?” I ask her. “I’ve always had the sense there’s something else going on, but he just won’t say what it is.”
“I have, too,” she says, “but—no, he never opens up about it. Anyway, like I said,” she says, smiling again, “it isn’t my business. I hope it works out for both of you. I wouldn’t wish broken hearts on anyone.”
“Thank you.” I bite my lip in the growing silence as she finishes her latte. I’ve barely touched my cappuccino. This might be a mistake, but something tells me I can trust Julie. She seems open and genuine, and like she’s the only person who could help me figure out how to handle Gray and this fake relationship of ours.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Yeah, of course.”
I lower my voice. “Logan.”
“Yeah?” she says, squinting in confusion.
“He and I,” I say, looking around to make sure no one is nearby. “Well, we’re not actually together.”
The second I say the words, an ahhhh, that makes sense expression crosses her face. She really must have been trying to puzzle it out, why Logan and I would ever end up together.
I keep going. “It’s a publicity stunt for the marketing of the movie. We didn’t even like each other at first.”
If Julie is judgmental of me getting strung along into a scheme like this, she keeps it to herself. “Right. I could tell.”
“We’ve started to get to know each other more so that the relationship seems legit, but…Well, it’s still not real, even though…” I shift in my seat uncomfortably. “We had sex.”
She doesn’t even blink as she listens. Logan must have sex with everyone. She only nods with a small frown of interest, taking in everything I’m saying.
“But, like you said, he immediately pushed me away again, and now everything is a mess.”
“First,” she says, “thank you for trusting me with that. Seriously. It’s hard to find people who’re open-hearted. It’s nice to have a real conversation with you.”
“Same,” I say, feeling comfortable warmth spread through me.
“Second,” she says, “I’m really sorry that Logan is treating you badly. You deserve more than that.”
I know this for a fact, but I can’t stop thinking about him. “I think that I’m struggling because I still feel drawn to him.”
“Why?”
I take a sip of my cappuccino. “I feel so…restrained. I never let myself go.” I can never let myself be totally uninhibited. “Logan offers me a sense of freedom. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks. I like to be close to him because of that.”
“Even when he’s hurting you.”
She’s right. I shake my head. “It’s messed up, isn’t it?”
“I’m not judging you. You can’t help feeling pulled in by him. But I hope you can find that sense of freedom without Logan, too.”
“I’m curious about him. It feels like there’re so many layers, and when I was trying to get to know him better, I couldn’t get past those walls.”
“They’re impossibly high.”
I nod. “It’s probably better if I just focus on myself. Figure out how to feel free for me, like you said, instead of wanting to rely on Logan.”
Her smile is full of compassion. “Probably.”
Julie is staying at her apartment instead of the hotel, but she takes the thirty-minute walk with me to the Winchester, chatting about nothing—favorite recent films and actors’ performances, recent favorite games (she loves Stardew Valley, too). We say goodbye with a hug in front of the lobby.
“Thank you for listening,” I tell her. “I haven’t had anyone else to talk to about this.”
“You’re welcome, Mattie,” she says. “Anytime. Seriously, okay?”
It’s only when I’m upstairs in my room that I pull out my phone and see that I have a text from Gray. Sorry. I needed some time to myself. I shouldn’t have kicked you out.
I hesitate, then type. It’s okay. You needed space. I wish he would open up and tell me why, but I already have a feeling that he won’t. I remember how he turned away from me while we were in bed. His entire body had begun to shiver. He’d scared me, and I reached for him as he pulled away.
I type again. Do you want to come over? We don’t have to do anything. If you need to be with someone, I’m here.
He doesn’t answer, so I start to get ready for an early night in. I order some in-room dining and watch a film. I’ve always enjoyed watching movies and dissecting actors and studying them. I’m not sure I’ll ever be as talented as most of the actors I see on screens. It’s just as I’m finishing up dinner that I see Logan had sent a text almost twenty minutes ago.
Okay. I’ll come over. As the phone is in my hand, it buzzes again. I’m here.