But the way he shut me out—literally and emotionally…By the time I get back to the hotel and have a shower, I’m feeling more alone than I ever have in this city. I feel tendrils of old shame curl through me. I had sex with another man again. I close my eyes and breathe through it. Remind myself that I’m worthy of love, even if some people in my life have acted like I’m not. I breathe until I can feel the shame fading.
I dry off and get dressed before I call Emma. She’s already been at Sarah Lawrence for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve been texting with her on and off, asking how she’s liking her classes and if she’s settled into her dorm all right. Her text messages started out as enthusiastic, excited—but they’ve been getting shorter, until they became one-word responses. I assumed she was just getting too busy for her big brother, but when she answers the FaceTime, I see the shadows under her eyes. She looks like she’s been crying.
“Emma?” I say, turning away from the balcony. “Are you okay?”
She shrugs. “Yeah.”
I should’ve called her sooner to see how she was doing. My mom said she was fine, but Emma wouldn’t have told her the truth, especially when our mom tends to worry so much. We really are siblings. I never open up to people when I’m struggling, either. Maybe I shouldn’t judge Logan for that so much, for not being able to open up to me.
“What’s going on?” I ask, sitting on the side of my bed. “Why do you look so upset?”
She won’t look me in the eye. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, Em. Talk to me.”
Emma sighs. “It’s just…hard. Everyone’s making friends with everyone else, and I feel like the weird kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.” Em was in a bunch of clubs in high school, constantly surrounded with friends she’d had since she was little. She’d said she hadn’t planned on telling anyone that she was my sister. She didn’t want attention just because of me, from people who were more interested in my fame than who she was as a person.
“It’s only been a couple of weeks,” I say. “Maybe you’ll get to know your classmates, and things will be different before you know it.” She doesn’t react. I feel my protective big brother urge come over me, and I wish I could be there to give her a hug in person and tell her it’ll be all right. “Are you liking your classes, at least?”
“They’re okay,” she mumbles.
Sometimes I wish I had gone to college instead of immediately jumping into this acting career. Who knows? Maybe I would’ve learned that I love art, or music, or something else. But I’d decided this was going to be my dream, and I stuck with it. Emma isn’t even sure what she wants to do yet. I’m excited for her to learn more about herself. But seeing her like this without that excited spark in her eye is killing me.
“I’m sorry, Em,” I tell her. “I wish I could do something to help.”
“It’s fine,” she tells me. “You can’t fix everything, you know.” I think she might be a little annoyed. “And besides, it’s okay to just let someone be sad sometimes.”
When did she get so wise? “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
She sighs. “It kind of sucks to realize I’m not as perfect as I thought I was. And it’s like, now, I have to figure out who I am when I’m not surrounded by people who think I’m the best at everything.”
I nod. I absolutely know what she means. It’s almost painful, how much I can relate.
*
The other cast members have met up for drinks after a full day of work a few times, and I’ve joined them twice, sipping ginger ale. Monica never seems overly enthused with me, but I think she might be that way with everyone. Keith is as funny in real life as he is in the script, and Scott has made me feel welcome…but sitting with them, I still felt like I had something to prove.
Julie especially has always gone out of her way to be friendly and supportive, as if she still feels bad for the way that Logan treated me at the table read. We only have one scene together: she’s Lauren, the bitter ex-girlfriend who demands to know why I’m good enough for Quinn. We meet in my apartment when she barges in, enraged. “Quinn only thinks he’s gay because of you,” she says, pointing a finger into my chest. “Do you know how upsetting it is to be the last girlfriend of a gay man? Everyone is going to think that something is wrong with me now.”
The scene runs smoothly, and at the end of it, Julie offers me a smile. “Coffee?”
I’m done for the day, so I nod. “Yeah. That’d be great.”
Luckily, Logan isn’t on set today, so I haven’t had to deal with the awful awkwardness of avoiding him, trying not to remember what his dick looked and felt and tasted like, trying to pretend that I’m completely unaffected by the fact that he kicked me out of his apartment after having sex with him last night. I try to push all of that out of my mind as Julie and I leave the studio for the coffee shop around the corner, the same one we’ve been filming in. We place our orders and, after we have our cups, we sit at the same table where Logan and I filmed.
“It was great working with you today,” Julie says, sipping her latte.
“Same. I’m sorry if this is weird fanboying, but I still can’t get over the fact that I’m in a scene with you. I used to watch you on TV as a kid.”
She laughs. “That isn’t weird at all. Are you enjoying filming?”
“Yeah. It took a second to figure Riley out, but I think I’ve got him.”
“I think so, too. You’ve really brought layers to him.”
I’m hesitant. I have the feeling that Julie asked me here for a specific reason, but she isn’t getting to the point or asking any questions. Maybe she really did only want to have a conversation. “How about you? How do you feel about Lauren?”
She sighs. “I’ll be honest,” she says. She leans in, glancing around to make sure no one is listening. “Lauren feels like a stereotype. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to bring her more depth, but it’s kind of weird to have this role. I hate when women are pitted against gay men like this, you know?”
I nod. It’s definitely a character I’ve seen before. “It’s like women are turned into the enemy in any story with gay men.”
“Exactly!” She leans back in her seat, smiling at me. “See? You get it, Mattie. I tried to talk to Dave about it, but he said his hands were tied. Lauren was the villain in the book, so this is the script.” She sighs.
I’m curious, but I don’t know how to ask this question without sounding judgmental. “Why did you take the role?”
She doesn’t seem to be offended, but she doesn’t meet my eye, either. “You could say that the Disney years are long gone.”