La Vida Vampire

“Sir?” Larry’s tone made Stony let me go and back up.

“All right, I’m leaving.” Stony glanced from Yolette to Etienne to me. “But you remember what I said. I will be watching.”

Larry followed Stony out to the oyster bar, I guess to be sure he left. I turned to Yolette and Etienne. I didn ’t like their game, but maybe they were in true danger.

“I need to rejoin my friends and finish our paperwork, but you ought to file a report with the St. Augustine police.”

“Oui, perhaps we will.” She paused. “But tell me, have I offended you, ma petite?”

“You surprised me.” An honest understatement.

“I suppose you do not wish to be our lover while we are here?”

That’d be a big ten-four. I put it nicer. “No, but have a nice honeymoon.”

I didn’t need vampire speed to flag down Cami, return the bottle, and have it deducted from the newlyweds’ bill. I paid our tab, too, while I had Cami’s attention, because I wanted to call it a night.

“What the hell happened in there?” Mick demanded when I stepped back out on the porch. “Stony damn near knocked over three people on his way down the stairs.”

“He threatened the French couple,” I answered, dropping into my chair.

“Not you this time?” Janie asked.

“Not directly.”

“You’re rubbing your arm again,” Janie said with concern. “We need to add your injury to the form.”

“Cesca.” Mick’s hard edges showed in his face and clenched fists. “What aren’t you telling us?”

Embarrassing as it was, I spilled it. “The bride, the newlywed bride who was wrapped around her groom all night? She propositioned me.”

“Huh?” they said in unison.

“My reaction exactly.” I rubbed my temples. “Seems the happy couple is into sex with vampires. I never quite got whether she meant solo or ménage à trois or both, but Stony heard every word and went ballistic.”

Janie’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. “Damn, Cesca, what did you do?”

“Other than mumbling incoherently? Not much. After Stony threatened death to vampire lovers, the manager escorted him out. I told the couple no thanks and split.”

Mick’s lips twitched. Was that a grimace or a grin fighting to break out?

“Let me get this straight,” he said, his voice slightly choked. “The Frenchwoman put the make on you for some vampire nooky? Seriously, you?”

I nodded.

He burst full-out laughing.

Janie punched his arm. Hard. I swear my own arm throbbed in response. “What’s the matter with Cesca?” she demanded.

“She isn’t attractive enough to be propositioned? Is that what you find so funny?”

“No, no, not at all.”

“Then what are you implying?”

“That she’s not the type to roll in the hay with…just anyone.”

“You mean I don’t roll in the hay at all, ” I said and waited as Janie turned wide eyes on me. I shrugged. “It’s true. I haven’t, uh, had much experience.”

“You have nada experience,” Mick corrected. “Most vampires bed hop as fast as they can move. They ’re sensual, they’re—”

“Too sexy for their fangs?”

Mick grinned. “Pretty much. Your sexuality meter is on dead stop. Pardon the pun.”

“Thanks for the brutal honesty, Mick. I’ll remember that on your birthday.”

“It’s almost a year away.”

“I have a long memory.”

“So do I.” Janie gave him laser eyes. “How come you know so much about vampire sex antics?”

His gaze darted away then back. “I worked as a bouncer in a bar in Daytona. About fifteen years ago before vampires became a protected species. The vamps who hung out there were a wild bunch.”

“Wild with you?”

Mick laid a hand over Janie’s. “Never.”

“Hunh, like I care.” She slipped her hand from under his and homed in on me again. “Ignore him, Cesca. You’re plenty sensual and sexy. You don’t have a hot honey because you’re discerning. But I can fix that. The hottie part, I mean.” She grinned and rubbed her hands together. “I know these guys who’d love to take you out. There’s Max Malone—”

“No, Janie, stop,” I interrupted, gripped by a full-on fix-up terror alert. “Look, it’s nice of you to offer, but I’d rather be staked than go on a blind date.”

“My friends aren’t that bad,” Janie huffed.

“Of course, they aren’t,” I soothed. “I’m sure they’re great, but where can these guys take me? As little as I eat, going for drinks or dinner is a waste.”

“That’s for sure,” Mick said. “You’d give new meaning to the term cheap date. ”

“Mick, you’re not amusing,” Janie snarked and turned back to me. “Cesca, I see how it could be awkward, but a movie isn’t out of the question. Or dancing.” She frowned. “Then again, people tend to work up a thirst when they dance.”

“Right, and how many movies can I see without dying of popcorn envy?” I do love the aroma of fresh popcorn.

“Hmmm. You need a guy who’s creative about dates.”