B uzz refused to believe they wouldn’t find Eddie. Because of that he knew they were eventually going to have to talk about how they were going to handle their having a son. How that was going to affect their lives—and their relationship. He supposed he’d been putting it off because he still didn’t have things straight in his own mind. At first, he’d been too shocked to feel much of anything. The truth of the matter was that he’d never wanted children, never wanted the burden of such a monumental responsibility. He never wanted to hold the fate of something as precious as a child in his hands because he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t somehow screw it up.
To this day, he couldn’t talk about some of the things he’d seen people do to their kids during the years he’d worked the Denver PD’s Child Abuse Division. By the time he’d made detective and transferred to homicide, his resolve never to bring a child into the world had become a vow he wouldn’t break for anyone.
Not even the woman he’d loved.
Yet at some point in the last two days, Buzz’s resolve had been shaken. He’d come to think of Eddie as his son. His son. The words shook him inside, conjured up feelings he’d thought he’d never feel. Things he’d thought he wasn’t capable of feeling. Things he didn’t want to feel. And even though he’d never even met the boy, he knew an undeniable connection had been forged between them.
Too bad he didn’t have the slightest clue what he was going to do about it.
The sun was just breaking over the treetops to the east when they reached the top of a rise, and they had a clear view of the stream. The water thundered like a white, writhing snake over rocks and boulders to plummet thirty feet into a ravine. To the north, a sheer wall of granite rose up out of a grassy valley. Scraggly juniper topped the cliff like spindly fingers reaching for the sky.
Pausing next to a boulder, Buzz eased the pack from his back and let it drop to the ground. A few feet away, Kelly sank down into the pine needles, leaned back against the trunk of a dead tree and closed her eyes.
“How are we going to handle our having a son?” he asked after a moment.
She opened her eyes and looked at him warily. “I don’t know.”
“We’re going to have to deal with it, Kel.”
“We have to find him first.”
“We will.”
“You never wanted children, Buzz. I don’t think that’s changed, has it?”
“I’m his father.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I want to…” Because the words tangled on his tongue, Buzz let them trail. He wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say. Did he want to be part of his son’s life? Was he qualified?
“Buzz, I’d never keep you from him if that’s what you want.”
“Come on, Kel, you’re moving to Tahoe, for chrissake. That pretty much leaves me out of the picture.”
“Eddie can visit you here in Colorado in the summer, on long weekends. You’re welcome to come to Tahoe and see him any time.”
And watch that son of a bitch Quelhorst worm his way into her life. Into his son’s life. Lining himself up as Eddie’s father. Drooling all over Kelly and waiting for the chance to make his move. No thanks.
Frustrated and angry, Buzz raked his hand over his stubbly jaw and muttered a curse. It wasn’t enough, he realized. He didn’t want a little piece of his son’s life. He wanted all of it. Wanted to nurture him and guide him and watch him grow. He wanted to love him and protect him from a world that could be as dangerous as it was wonderful.
He sure as hell didn’t want to watch his wife fall for some pencil-necked Mr. Corporate America simply because she deserved someone she knew was going to come home alive at the end of the day.
Rising abruptly, Buzz strode over to the edge of the ravine and stared down into the water. He could feel Kelly’s eyes on him, but he didn’t turn around. He wasn’t sure what his expression would reveal, wasn’t sure he wanted her to see the expression he knew was etched into his every feature.
Buzz had never had the desire for children. He’d made the decision not to have them at a young age and never questioned it. He’d lived his entire life knowing he would never have to deal with it. But to have a woman he’d trusted jerk the rug out from under him when he’d least expected it made him question everything he’d ever believed about himself.
Needing something to do, anything to keep his mind off the questions pummeling him, he reached for the VHF radio clipped to his belt. “Homer One this is Tango Two Niner, do you read me?”
“We got you loud and clear, Tango.”
“What’s the twenty on Eagle?” he asked, referring to RMSAR’s chopper. “We could really use some help up here.”
“She’s just south of Norrie, Buzz. Firefighters had to evacuate. They got casualties up there.”