“I want to be there,” he said
“No,” I said. “I’m not going to kick up a fuss at the hospital over this. We will be fine. The ward is secure. No one will hurt her. You need to talk to someone because worrying yourself sick isn’t going to help the baby.”
“I’ll be fine.”
Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair.
“I won’t be, Jasper. We can’t live like this.”
“We don’t have to. There’s no need for you to worry.”
Right, because we weren’t together and he had no interest in me romantically. I was fine as a friend he occasionally slept with, but that was where it ended. I knew I shouldn’t take it too personally; he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, but it did hurt.
The more it hurt the angrier I got with him and with myself. It was too much on top of having an unplanned pregnancy, worrying about being a good mum and finishing university.
“I think you should go,” I said. “I can’t do this, Jasper. It’s too hard.”
“Do what?”
I threw my hands up. “This. Us.”
“What us?”
Exactly.
“We’re having a baby, Holly, nothing is going to change that now. You can’t just order me out of your life because you’re pissed off with me.”
“I’m not. I’m ordering you out of my house.”
“Is this how it’s going to be? We disagree on something and you make me leave? You can’t do that. This is my baby too.”
I groaned. No one got to me as much as him. I could feel my temper boiling below the surface, ready to explode.
“Stop looking at me like that,” he said. “I’m not arguing with you. When you’re home it’ll be different, but I’m staying at the hospital.”
“We both make decisions so why should I just pander to your every fucking demand?” I shouted.
“You’re being unreasonable.”
My eyes widened. “Me?”
I was not the unreasonable one.
“Why don’t you want me there? I thought you’d like the help after giving birth.”
“I don’t like why you want to do it.”
He shook his head. “You’re the most confusing and frustrating woman I’ve ever met, Holly.”
“And you’re the most stubborn man I’ve ever met! I can’t believe we’re arguing over this; it’s ridiculous. You can be at the hospital for dad’s visiting like everyone else.”
“Now who’s being stubborn,” he muttered.
“Alright, get out. I’m serious, Jasper. You’re being stupid and I know you don’t mean it personally, but that’s how I’m taking it. I need time away from you because when you’re in front of me I can barely think straight.”
I shouldn’t have said that. Dropping my eyes to the floor, I bit my lip.
“Holly,” he said, and I could tell he’d regretted pushing me. His voice was low, deep and intense, and it sent a shiver down my spine. He got to me so much because I was completely in love with him.
“Please. I need you to give me some space to think.”
He stepped forwards, pressing his lips to my forehead and rubbing his thumb over my belly. “Okay,” he murmured against my skin. “Call if you need me.”
“I will. I just need some time.”
Stepping back, he nodded.
“I get it. These last few months have been pretty intense.”
He turned and walked away.
I sat down when I heard the front door close behind him. I thought I’d feel better once he was gone, but I didn’t. He worried, and I wasn’t helping by sending him away rather than trying harder to talk to him.
If we couldn’t find a way to communicate and resolve our issues then we were going to have a tense relationship, and our relationship was now going to have last forever – as parents, if nothing else. I swung my feet up on the sofa and laid down.
“Morning,” Oakley said.
“Hi. How come you’re in on your day off?” I asked her.
She smiled sympathetically, and I knew straight away – Jasper.
“He called me last night,” she said, “and told me what happened. Then he asked if we could swap days.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I know how he is, and it can be pretty intense. He’s scared, Holly, and he doesn’t do feeling scared well. For the last eight years, he’s been the strong one, and although he worried himself sick about us all I think it’s really hitting him hard now that he’s going to be a dad.”
“I feel awful for sending him home last night.”
“No, you were right to. It’s not healthy, and you can’t just go along with it because you’re afraid of upsetting him. You’ve got to be honest about how you feel, or you’re going to end up resenting him.”
Being honest about how I felt about him would not do me any favours right now.
“Yeah. I don’t want to lie to him, and we’ve both said we need talk openly. It’s hard to tell him he’s not staying at the hospital when I know why he wants to.”