She was small for five months; below average, but not below the smallest size she should be. Still, my midwife was keeping a close eye on her growth, and I was possibly going to have another scan next month.
I expected him to say something, but he just continued to stare at me. The air between us thickened, and I gripped his shoulders. He was going to kiss me, I think. My body heated, and I felt a little lightheaded.
“Holly, if you don’t like PDAs in front of your family, walk away now.”
Walk away? Like I could even if I wanted to, and I definitely didn’t want to.
I stayed, and he lowered his mouth until his lips brushed so lightly against mine it tickled. There really was no need for him to tease.
“Are you going to kiss me or not?” I breathed. As I spoke, he lowered his face to mine and kissed me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Holly
Jasper sat on my bed reading the pregnancy book as if he was being tested on it. Since I’d got home for the Christmas break, we’d been together pretty much every minute he wasn’t working. I’d even done a few shifts at The Centre, offering my help because I knew they were busy when really I just wanted to be around him for longer. I was getting pathetic.
He was determined to know everything that was going on with the baby and my body. It was sweet that he took so much interest, but there was something else to it. He was obsessed with knowing everything and planning for every eventuality.
He knew three different routes to the hospital, had my doctor and midwife on speed dial and a first aid kit – complete with towels and baby clothes – in his boot. It was over the top, and I wasn’t sure how to tell him to relax and enjoy watching our baby grow without stressing over every detail. He just couldn’t seem to accept that he couldn’t control everything.
“Jasper, you’ve read that a million times already,” I said, “and the birth will probably go differently to those books anyway.”
He looked up over the book. “You don’t know that. We need to be prepared, Holly.”
“There’s prepared, and then there’s what you’re doing. You’re going to either go crazy by the time she arrives or be exhausted.”
Ignoring me, he stuck his head back in the book.
“Do you think they’ll let me stay in the hospital with you?”
I shook my head. “No, they don’t allow dad’s or partners to stay. You can visit all day and until the evening though.”
The book dropped to his lap. “We need to speak to them about that. Maybe we can get a private room – you can hire those – and see if I can stay there too, it might be different if we’re not on the main ward.”
“It’ll be fine. I’m sure I can manage for a few hours between you leaving at night and coming back in the morning.” I know I hadn’t been around babies much, but I was confident I could do it. The midwives were there to help and guide me. Surely all I’d be doing was breastfeeding and changing nappies anyway.
“I don’t want you two on your own.”
“We won’t be.”
His beautiful face was marred with a frown.
“Holly, the midwives don’t count. They don’t care enough.”
“What?”
“Will one stay in your room all night?”
“No, of course not, but if I need them they’ll come in.”
“Then I need to be there. What if something happens?”
Oh. That’s what this was about. He was scared because of what happened to Oakley. I felt awful that he worried about us to the point where he didn’t feel he could leave us for one night, but it was unhealthy. We were going to be apart from him, so he had to get used to it and realise we were okay.
“Jasper, nothing is going to happen to us. We’ll be fine in hospital for a night or two.”
“Something might happen.”
“If you don’t trust me to look after our child-”
“I do!”
I threw my hands up. “It doesn’t sound like it. What happened to Oakley-”
“Shut up,” he snapped.
My heart ached. It was still so hard for him to talk about, but he couldn’t see that it was why he was feeling so anxious. How could you get someone to seek help when they wouldn’t even admit there was a problem?
“For all our sakes, the baby’s included, you’re going to have to talk about it.”
“No,” he replied and shut down.
It was so hard to talk to him once he was done with something, but I wasn’t about to give up. If he continued trying to control everything, I was going to be suffocated. I couldn’t live with him constantly calling or texting, telling me what I could or couldn’t do or where I could go. His fear was real and I understood, but I wouldn’t let it rule my life.
“Please, Jasper.”
He snapped his teeth together. “This is my baby too, Holly. You don’t get to make all of the decisions. I won’t leave my child with strangers.”
“Strangers? She’ll be with me – her mum! Do you think I’m going to leave her on the ward while I go see a movie or something?”
He gave me an exasperated look.
“I’m perfectly capable of protecting my baby.”
I could see in his now dark grey eyes that he was thinking ‘My mum thought that too’.