CHAPTER 13
Julie stood on her tiptoes, desperately trying to retrieve the duffel bag from the top of the closet shelf. She finally looped a finger around the strap and pulled it down, causing it to land on her head. She hated traveling, and if the packing situation was any indicator of her trip’s success, she was not headed for a smooth flight. As if navigating an airport wasn’t enough of a hassle on the day before Thanksgiving, she was desperately trying to condense her belongings so that she wouldn’t have to check any luggage.
She would definitely be checking bags when she went to California with her father, that was for sure. He’d sent her their itinerary a few days ago. Or rather, his secretary had forwarded it to her. Still, he was showing a huge effort by taking her on this trip. Julie could only imagine the hassle it’d been for him to take off three weeks from work for this whirlwind trip. LA, Huntington Beach, San Diego, Santa Barbara…Julie couldn’t even remember where else! She couldn’t wait to tell her dad all about school and how well she was doing in her classes.
For this trip, she didn’t need too many outfits, but hauling her laptop and books home was a drag. How Julie was supposed to celebrate the holiday, visit with relatives and friends, finish a research paper, and study for her calculus exam was beyond her. Colleges clearly saw Thanksgiving as a working holiday.
“Knock, knock.” Erin stepped into the bedroom, and Julie again admired how poised and together she always looked. The gray tweed pencil skirt and coordinating cardigan were so streamlined and…well, classy. That was it; Erin was classy. Professional and classy. “You must be itching to get home and see your family, I imagine.”
“A little bit,” Julie agreed as she tossed the duffel bag onto the bed. “I just have so much work to do that it’s hard to feel excited about going back to Ohio.”
Erin waved her hand. “You’ll get it done. There will be time in the airport, on the plane, and at home while you’re recovering from turkey overload.”
“I guess.” Julie grabbed a handful of clean socks and tossed them into the bag. “Although maybe I should have just taken a long weekend earlier in the month instead and avoided the crowds. Oh, I mean, not that I would want to infringe on your family’s holiday plans. I just meant—”
“You’d be welcome here for Thanksgiving, Julie. But I can’t imagine a day of Chinese food and Scrabble is what you’re used to. It’ll just be Matthew, Celeste, and me sitting around eating spicy tofu and debating the validity of Matthew’s plays. He tends to make up words, but we usually give him partial credit for creativity.”
“That actually sounds better than eating sweet potatoes with marshmallows and listening to my uncle retell what went down on Comedy Central the night before.”
“It does not!” Erin protested. “There’s nothing wrong with a traditional Thanksgiving. Family warts and all. I’m sure it will be lovely.”
“Is it strange not to have Roger here for the holiday?”
“Not at all. Roger takes month-long trips several times a year, so this longer trip is not surprising.” Erin crossed her arms. “And your friend Seth? What’s he doing over break?”
“He and his parents are going to Vermont to see his aunt and uncle. He left yesterday to try to avoid the traffic, and they’re coming home on Saturday for the same reason.”
“You’ve spoken highly of him. A political science major at BU, I believe, right? I’m glad you’ve made some nice connections this fall. You and your friend Dana seem to be getting close too. It’s important to have social opportunities that get you out of the house sometimes.”
Julie smiled. Dana had become a good friend, and even though both of them were busy, they had a standing coffee date on Tuesdays that they never missed. Dana was still absolutely bewitched by Jamie, and Julie had spent many hours over the semester listening to play-by-play accounts of the progress of their roller-coaster relationship. Of course Julie talked about Seth, too, to some degree, but their status was more of the casual-dating variety than Dana and Jamie’s—which at this point was highlighted by frequent dramatic arguments followed by early morning walks of shame. Julie felt that, for a psych major, Dana could use a bit of self-examination. Maybe Julie and Seth weren’t full of passion and mega-sparks, but there was something to be said for slow and steady.
“Goodness, Julie, are you planning on bringing all those books with you?” Erin asked.
“I have to. I need to do a paper on Carl Jung for my psychology class, and I need them as references.”
Erin squinted at the stack of books. “Those are adequate, I suppose. Julie, you should have better sources.”
“I have some online articles, too, but not enough.”
“That’s ridiculous. I can take care of that.” Erin moved to the desk and began writing on a notepad. “This is my user name and ID so that you can access Harvard’s article database. This should give you more than you need for your paper, and you’ll be able to review critical examinations of Jung’s work by others highly regarded in the field.”
“Really?” Julie walked to the desk and looked at the paper. Erin had just opened up an entire world for her. “Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, this is a big deal. The only thing I can do through school is get into the library’s listings and reserve books.”
Erin tucked the pen behind her ear and put her hands on her hips. “Of course not. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have the best resources accessible to you. I’m surprised Whitney doesn’t have more available to you online. You might not want to thank me, though, because I guarantee that you’ll quickly get sucked into the system, going from one recommended article to another. So if your mother throws a fit because you’re glued to the computer this weekend, don’t blame me.”
Julie impulsively threw her arms around Erin and hugged her bony frame. “I will take all the blame. I cannot thank you enough.”
Erin, clearly not the hugging type, stiffened a bit but laughed softly with surprise and patted Julie’s arm with one hand. “No need to thank me. You’re the one doing all the hard work. I admire your enthusiasm about your studies.” She stepped back and held Julie at arm’s length. “But if you’d like to return the favor, you can persuade Matt to start pushing himself the way you push yourself. Then I wouldn’t have to nag him so much.”
“He seems to work all the time, from what I’ve seen. We end up studying together a lot, and if he’s not at school, then he’s on the computer working.”
“I’m not saying that he doesn’t spend a lot of time working. I’m talking about the quality of his work and his drive.” Erin narrowed her eyes. “He’s spreading himself thin in terms of his coursework and academic interest, and it’s getting to a point in his education where he needs to narrow his focus so that he’s not floundering when he graduates. That’s how he’s going to get published one day. He’s got one chance to get this right, and I expect more from him than what I’m seeing.”
It seemed a bit of a harsh take, but Julie could understand what Erin was saying. She wanted the best for her son. Julie began pulling clothes from the dresser. “What kind of student was Finn?”
“Oh, Finn!” Erin beamed. “Finn was a very well-rounded student. Rather skilled in everything he tackled. He chose a very classic, liberal arts approach to school and so studied everything from anthropology to literature to history. A real creative and dynamic boy, that one. He was deeply involved in political campaigns when he was at Brandeis. Very socially conscious and involved. And he played rugby with a community team on the weekends. Celeste loved going to his games.”
Julie smiled. “He sounds like a very interesting person. Hopefully I’ll get to meet him soon? I know Celeste is itching for him to come home.”
“Everyone would love to see Finn again soon.”
“Maybe he and I will overlap at Christmas? He’s sure to come home sometime over the holidays.”
“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” Erin took a few steps toward the door. “Let me go call Matt and make sure he hasn’t forgotten about taking you to the airport.”
“I can take a cab, Erin. It’s fine.”
“I’d drive you myself, but the truth is that I don’t actually have my license anymore, if you can believe it. I got so caught up in the whole environmentally responsible acts of biking and walking everywhere that I never bothered to renew my license when it expired. I really do prefer it, though. I’m in better shape now than I was when I was twenty, and I’ve lost those ten pounds that I carried around for years.”
“If I didn’t have my bags to carry, I’d feel guilty about not walking to the airport,” Julie joked. “I think it’s admirable that you’re doing what you can to reduce your carbon footprint. I hate that expression. Being politically correct seems to come with the inevitable clichés, doesn’t it? I have a quick meeting with one of my professors at school, and then I’ll just take the T to the airport. I don’t want to bother Matt.”
Erin shrugged. “If you say so. Call the house on Sunday and let us know what time your plane will be in. You may end up dealing with delays.”
“OK, I will. Have a nice Thanksgiving, Erin.”
“You too. Send your mother our good wishes.”
Julie set her suitcase down on the floor of the cramped office and sat in the chair across from her psychology professor’s desk. The small room could barely contain the few pieces of furniture. Folders and books covered the desk and sparse shelf area. But there was something comforting and cozy about his office, perhaps due to the gentle man who sat before her. Julie loved her psych class and hadn’t missed a class meeting yet. Dr. Cooley’s lectures were incisively smart and interesting and delivered with genuine passion for the field. His thoughtfulness and compassion when he was presenting case studies made Julie feel sure that he would have something helpful to offer her today.
“Thank you for meeting with me, Dr. Cooley.”
“Not a problem. Heading home, I assume?” he asked, eyeing her bag.
“Yes. Ohio. To see my mother and her side of the family. I’m sorry to be bothering you just before the holiday, but I’d like to get your perspective on something.”
“Something from class? I went over your test and paper grades earlier today, and you’re doing extremely well. Not to mention your frequent participation in class. Impressive in such a large group.” He nodded approvingly. “A lot of students prefer to take these larger lecture courses as pass/fail. You stand out.”
“Thank you. I enjoy your class a lot. But I actually need help with something else. I’m living with a family this year. The mother is a friend of my mother’s. Everyone is really nice, but…” Julie didn’t know where to start. “There is something very quirky about the daughter. I thought you might have some insight. I guess I need help.”
“Help how?”
“I’m trying to figure out the daughter. Celeste. She’s odd. Her oldest brother, Finn, is away traveling this year, and she carries a cardboard cutout of him everywhere she goes.”
“You’ve definitely piqued my curiosity,” Dr. Cooley said as he crossed his legs, “but I’d be more comfortable discussing this if you were telling me about a hypothetical family.” He looked at her pointedly, but tried not to smile.
“Hypothetically,” Julie said slowly, “the flat-brother thing might be alarming to me. And hypothetically, I’m quite worried about her. Some things seem to…I don’t know…trigger her. I just don’t know what they are.”
Julie spent the next few minutes describing Celeste’s behavior surrounding Flat Finn, her social limitations, and her generally unusual personality.
Dr. Cooley held up a hand. “Let me stop you for a minute. You’re telling me about the daughter, but I want to hear about the whole family unit. Tell me what a typical day or week is like in this house.”
“But she’s the…” Julie fumbled for the right words. “The one with the issue. Or issues. Piles of them, I’m guessing.” OK, Matt had issues too—mostly involving an obsessive need to become one with his laptop and an inability to dress in anything not revolting—but he certainly didn’t have any cardboard sidekicks. Well, at least that she knew about. “Everyone else is fine.”
“Humor me.”
He sat silently while Julie talked for twenty-five minutes about the Watkins household. She told him about Celeste’s quirky behavior and her social isolation, quite a bit about Flat Finn, Erin’s seemingly endless energy, and how Matt and Finn seemed to be polar opposites of each other.
Julie’s professor rubbed his forehead as if in disbelief. “So this family has absent parents and an absent eldest brother. Then we have the younger brother who has been forced into a parental role and is trying to be present and is probably struggling quite a bit. Lastly, a young, socially delayed teenager attempting to manage her emotions through the creation of a substitute, tangible version of her idolized sibling?”
Shit. It sounded really nuts when he spelled it out like that.
“Yeah. That sounds about right.” Julie slumped deep into the chair. “Oh my God.”
“Listen, I can give you a few thoughts about this family, but I’m not willing to diagnose anyone or give you any hard-and-fast answers based on this conversation. It wouldn’t be fair to you or to them. Hypothetically. However, I might be able to get you thinking about a few things.”
“I understand.”
“My first thought is that this story you’ve laid out makes me sad.”
“It doesn’t feel that sad being in that house, though.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.” Julie looked out the small window at the gray sky. “Because I like them?”
“They probably like you too. But there’s something very sad here. Everyone is in coping mode. Functioning independently. Everyone has defense mechanisms working at full force. And there is a firm level of secrecy regarding…well, we don’t know what, do we?”
“Correct.”
“They’ve set their parameters, and I’m not sure you’re in the position to cross those.”
“Why is Celeste doing this? I mean, her brother is off traveling. Big deal. He has the right to, doesn’t he? He can’t live at home forever. Tons of girls her age must have older brothers who leave the house, yet they don’t react the way she has. I don’t get it. She’s got so much potential. And I think I can help Celeste.”
“Ah. You’re a fixer.”
“A what?”
“A fixer. You want to fix this for them. Why?”
“I told you. I like them. Especially Celeste. I can’t just sit around and pretend that carting around a flat brother is not hideously weird. There’s a great kid under the unusual exterior. Nobody is moving. It’s like they’re frozen, afraid to rock the boat with her.”
He nodded. “They probably are. Whatever containment strategies they’ve developed are working to some degree. At least, working in the sense that they’ve stabilized whatever they’re managing. In their eyes, things aren’t getting worse.”
Julie held his somber look. “But they will, won’t they?”
“Probably, yes. A dysfunctional system like this can’t hold up forever. At some point there will be a break.”
She felt her stomach knot up. “And then what will happen?”
“I couldn’t say. It’s not something you can plan for. Tell me your take on this girl.”
Julie tossed her hands up. “I’ve thought about all sorts of things. An adjustment disorder, separation anxiety disorder, reactive attachment disorder? Asperger’s? Something to do with seeing Finn as a parental figure? And when he left, she felt that loss more profoundly than made sense. Her defense mechanisms got out of control? She has a chemical imbalance?”
“All possibilities. What else?” Dr. Cooley sat motionless, his eyes fixed on Julie’s, waiting patiently as she struggled to find an answer herself.
Julie wriggled her toes inside her shoes, hoping to distract herself from the increasingly uncomfortable feeling that was taking over. But one thought would not be pushed aside. “Something happened?”
He nodded. “Something happened. That’s my guess. Something quite major. Something you’ve clearly been told not to address. And this flat version of Celeste’s brother is an extreme response to an incident. A trauma.”
Julie stiffened. Trauma. She didn’t like the sound of that.
Dr. Cooley continued. “The question is, what trauma? But that’s a question that you might not get the answer to. Julie, tread lightly,” he cautioned. “This is a precarious situation, and you don’t know what exactly is going on in this family system. While I admire your compassion, I can’t recommend that you take on the task of trying to tackle this.”
“I know. I feel like I’ve been racking my brain trying to understand this kid, and I have no clue if I’m about to do something that will set her off. But when Finn comes back, this should all clear up, right?”
Dr. Cooley clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. “Maybe, maybe not. Whatever is causing her anxiety may manifest itself in another way. His return could prompt a significant improvement, sure, but I wouldn’t bet on it.”
This was a discouraging thought.
“But think about this,” he offered, “maybe you’re missing something obvious. Don’t overanalyze what you see. I have a feeling that you’re overthinking things. Give it some time, and the pieces of this puzzle might come together.” He laughed. “Of course, they might not. This may be a family that you never fully understand.”
“Believe me, that thought has occurred to me.”
“And what do we know?” He laughed lightly. “Maybe they’re just unusual characters. Not everyone behaves in a traditional manner.”
“It would be nice if they were just quirky, wouldn’t it?”
“Yes. Unlikely, but nice. Julie, there’s another part of this story that I’m wondering about.”
Julie sighed. “What’s that?”
“You told me a lot about Matt, Finn, Erin, and Celeste.” He paused. “I haven’t heard much about the father.”
“That’s because he’s gone a lot. Traveling for work. I really like him, though. He’s gentle and soft-spoken. There’s something earnest about him. He’s very normal, but not in a boring way. Really sweet.”
“Hmm,” Dr. Cooley murmured.
“What’s that mean?”
“You said you were going home today. To see your mother.”
“Right. So?”
“What about your father? Will you see him too?”
“You’re implying I have father issues?” Julie scoffed. “I don’t have father issues.”
Dr. Cooley sat silently.
“This is not about me.” Julie shook her head. “This is about a superquirky kid who needs me.”
“But why is it your job to help her? Why are you the fixer? Why are you the one who wants to put this family back together?”
“Because Celeste responds to me. I don’t know why, but she does. I can do this.”
Dr. Cooley took his glasses off and gently set them down on the table. “Who are you trying to heal?”
“Celeste.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Of course,” Julie said, slightly irritated. “This is not about me.”
“No,” he agreed. “Not entirely.”
Julie glanced at the clock on the desk. “I’m really sorry to cut you off, but I should leave now if I’m going to make my flight.”
“Of course.”
“I can’t thank you enough for talking to me,” she said sincerely. “I really appreciate it.”
“It’s a fascinating hypothetical family that you’ve told me about.” He winked. “Remember, Julie. Tread lightly.”