Where Would I Be Without You

Chapter Eleven

"Sitting around eating all the blue peanut M&M's out of that two pounder bag of M&Ms you got there is not going to solve any of your problems." My aunt Heather, recently back from the Bahamas, tanned and heavy blonde streaks that have taken over her brown hair, took the bag of M&Ms out of my hand and walked over to the trash can, hit her foot on the pedal that raised the lid, and dumped the rest of the M&M's in, bag and all.

"What the hey? I was going to eat all the yellow next." I stammered while cuddling deeper into my couch as I hit the mute on the movie I was watching. I tossed a glare at my aunt Heather that could evaporate a bad politician from thin air for misconduct.

As my aunt stood there, freshly tanned from the Bahamas, some curl to her long mostly blonde but born a brunette hair and striking a motherly poise in an outfit that wasn't motherly, she decided to scold me in tone. "Listen. You will thank me later. Think of all the hours on the elliptical it would take to burn those off. Not to mention, if you were my age, and once you turn forty, the metabolism turns off. Best to start now on better habits." She smiled as she grabbed the red handled straps of the white trash bag, pulled it up out of the trash can, tied the red handles in a triple knot, and then put a fresh bag in my trash. Like taking out my trash would make it any better.

"I'm only doing this because I love you. That, and the fact that if I didn't take this out to the dumpster on my way out, you would have pulled it out of the trash and started on the yellows."

My aunt knew me all too well. However, I knew I would want to run right out and buy another bag. The only thing stopping me was that I was in desperate need of a shower, and my hairy legs could out hair Sasquatch.

It had been three days since I saw Mason, and work thought I had the flu. Wally Woo spent an hour listening to me cry and babble then told me I had not called in a sick day in over six months, vacation days excluded, and he would put me down for the flu if I promised to get all caught up later this week on paperwork. This was not part of my grow up and act mature now that you are thirty plan, not to mention Mason had quit trying to reach me by text or phone as I had not returned one single text or message.

Then as I watched my aunt set the bag of trash by my door, I knew I would not be dumpster diving in my own kitchen trash can. However, I would take a shower and visit the local gas-n-go. "By the way." She chimed in as she pointed to the dark sheets I had duct taped up on my big window that looked directly into my neighbor, slash super, slash heartthrob gone awry. "What gives?"

"He gives. He turns on the heat like a burning fire and then takes me to meet his family, where I am not grown up enough, or educated enough, for his father. Then he tries to soothe it over after he has gone back to his family, after he took me home because I did not want to spend another minute with his family Sunday brunch being judged. I decided I wanted to slow things down. Then, work is giving me collage classes to shut mom up. Then I come home from a broken-down car on Monday morning's rush hour to witness that he's got more than one candy in his trick or treat bag, if you know what I mean. I happen to see him kissing some stupid blonde woman, no offense, but you are not a natural; you choose to be blonde, and you are not stupid either. So, this hot looking chick is kissing him, and I was stuck staring at them thinking, well shit. By the way, how was the Bahamas and why didn't you take me as a birthday gift bee-ouch?" Everything I just rambled out in incomplete, nonfunctioning sentences, hopefully made sense to my aunt who had no idea what had happened in my life in the last week and half, other than she caught Intel on my birthday fiasco at the restaurant.

My aunt's laughter filled the room, and she answered with a simple tone. "I see. Bahamas rocked, and it's hard to take you when I'm taking a man." She winked at me with a vivacious smile, and then she went over, stood up on the window seat, yanked all the duct tape down, tossing the sheet on the floor.

I covered my eyes and squinted from the sunlight that flooded the room and growled. "What the hey?" My head went under my blanket.

"Stop sulking." She sounded motherly. "Crying and grieving over a man is one thing. Hiding away and stuffing M&M's down your throat like it's no tomorrow is another. No guy is worth it. Even if you're married." Then she climbed down, tossed the duct tape in the new trash bag she put in my kitchen trash can for me.

I peeked out of my blanket and glared. "That's easy for you to say. You've had three husbands." I caught the hurt look that immediately crossed her face, and I felt bad. It wasn't her fault she had bad choices in men.

"And honey, not a single one of them was the charm. I'm going for number four. He's looking prospectively handsome. However, I need to borrow your new tan cowgirl boots you bragged about buying on Facebook for a fraction of their value. It's not really smart to post your shopping award picture of shoes and great prices where your broke aunt can see. It only makes me find a reason to borrow them." She smiled at me as she bent down to pick up the bench cushion off the floor and set it on the window bench.

I caught myself peeking towards his window to see if he was there, but he wasn't. "Well. Gee. I thought you came to see me because you love me." I grumbled.

"I do love you. That is why I am here, hauling your happy ass off to the shower, and telling you that no man is worth it. The boots is just an excuse to wear on this date with my new cowboy. I met him at the gym." Her eyes twinkled.

"Real cowboy or wanna be a cowboy?" I teased. I got up from under my blanket, threw it off to the side and clicked the TV off with the remote. I had on the same sleep shirt I had on twenty-four hours ago; only a lot of food smears and tearstains that made it look as if I had ran it through a sink disposal run.

"Darling. He's real. Like wear the wranglers with a strain real. Like dually truck and cowboy hat real. Like works on a ranch and likes to get dirty in the barn real."

"Then what the heck is he doing at the gym, picking up women?" I started for my room, and she followed behind. I might as well get her the boots, because I had no intention of wearing them anytime soon.

I pointed to my closet and then headed to my bathroom as my aunt went on about how they met the first time when she was called out for a sick horse. My aunt is a large animal veterinarian who works on contract for the zoo. "See, he manages a ranch. I got a call from their regular vet to take a replacement call. I usually don't go to places like this. Any ways, I happen to mention to him about the cruise and getting in shape in a month. This was over a month ago. I didn't tell you because, well, it was just bad luck to talk about a man until things are a bit more under way." I laughed internally at the fact that my aunt and I shared the gift of gab, the brook of babble; we talked a lot and talked in circles. I thought of how I had been babbling about Mason and wondered if that is why the relationship was cursed.

My aunt kept right on talking while my brain went right on thinking. "So one day, he shows up at my gym. Not like he doesn't get enough of a workout at the ranch. I was sure he was there to see me as he had called my office three times looking for me and asked my secretary what time I go to the gym. We went out for a drink, next thing I know, I've got him sharing a cabin with me on this cruise four weeks later. Sorry I missed your birthday family party. He was worth the miss." Then she winked at me. "If you know what I mean."

I did. And what sucks, is I knew what if felt like to fall hard and fast for a man and then have things come to a complete halt. If only I had taken him into my room to change that morning, we would never have made it to his family brunch. Things would be far different right now.

I watched her grab the boots out of the box and holler over her shoulder as she started to walk out of my room. "Take a shower. Get back to work and that silly now that I am thirty plan. I'd tell you to burn it but you my love are so into lists and planning that I know you can't do it any other way. You need to get on with life. I'll call you this weekend."

As I heard my apartment door close, I figured that I would not get my boots back until I went to her place and got them back. I also figured, my aunt was right. I needed to get on with things.

When I got out of the shower, there was a text on my cell from my aunt. It simply read: Show him what he's missing out on and find that other fish in the sea. There are plenty.

Well, at least to my aunt there was. She was not very particular about the men she dated. If they had muscles, testosterone and nice eyes, she was sold. I was a bit more particular about my men.

Or was I? Come to think of it, Mason was the first man who was from any type of 'breeding stock' as my mom would call it. Usually, I just went for the muscles and testosterone and a pulse. Didn't even matter if the eyes made my heart go pitter-patter. However, Mason's eyes did. They made me want to stare into them and swoon, which I had done the entire week we were together.

Just then a knock at my door, startled me. I wondered who it could be. I went over, peeked through the peephole, and jumped back, causing my towel to fall down. I wasn't only naked in the physical sense, but I felt naked in the mental sense. Behind my door was the one man who had made me think everything would be all right, and then he dumped me.

"Just a minute." I hollered out. I ran into my room and threw on a pair of jeans commando, a black bra and black tee shirt. I ran a comb through my hair and took two seconds to put on mascara and raspberry colored lip-gloss. When I ran back to the apartment door, I didn't have to open it. He used his superintendent key to open it himself. He was leaning against my closed door with a sexy smile and sneaky look to his eyes.

"I guess I should have used the deadbolt." I joked, partially happy he was there. Actually ecstatic, but then the memory of the naked blonde woman in his place flooded back to me like a bad dream.

"I can get it open with that on." He took a step forward with the same look I felt until my memory came back. He had intentions, and they were sultry.

"I see. So how's blondie?" My tone could not have been any more snide or cold. I felt as if my bad girl side was pulling on one end of my rope screaming who cares about the naked blonde, while my sensible mature side was pulling harder, stronger, screaming at me 'you do you idiot; he cheated on you'. My internal mental contest was as confused as his face looked right now.

"Who?" His confused look did not stop him from taking another step closer.

I put my hand on my hip and cocked it sideways hard, tossed my head back and glared while I spoke out. "Unless that was a chicken you were choking with your tongue Monday morning, I'd say you decided to get a bit SERIOUS with some ditzy looking blonde. In your ROOM! Where I can SEE!" So my voice shouted a few words, and my heart was pounding like a jack hammer, while my hands ached to touch him just one more time.

I watched an even more confused look cross his face while he seemed to be thinking hard, and then he shook his head sideways back and forth, and laughed lightly. "Oh that! That is a complete misunderstanding. You might actually find it funny." Then he went quiet while smiling at me like he always did right before he did things to me that made me very happy.

"I would, would I?" I couldn't hold back. I never had that type of controlled restraint. I walked right past him, opened my door, and turned to push him hard out of my apartment. He faltered back as he was taken by surprise. He looked hurt and confused as I slammed the door and locked it with the safety chain. The whole moment was surreal yet felt justified.

Just then, I heard a click and the door opened a tad. "Amber. I came to talk to you. Your aunt ran into me unjamming the trash shoot. Listen. I know you wanted to slow things down, not stop all together. Why haven't you bothered to call or text me back? What's with the dark curtain?"

I took a step back as he opened the door with some tool that removed the safety chain, and I got full view of his sexy body. The man looked hot in brown and khaki with his sincere look and sexy smile spreading across this face. I crossed my arms in front of my body, causing my boobs to crest out of my shirt. I watched his eyes dart there and light up for a second, so I let my arms down and puffed out a huge breath of air. "What gives Mason? I saw you put your tongue down that woman's throat. I saw your arms go up and yes, I saw her naked body in full view facing me as she went in for a kiss. After that, I could not watch anymore. I guess you're just the type of guy who likes to have his dating choices in multiple colors." I was referring to hair, but his questionable look grew with confusion.

"I don't know what you saw." He took a step inside my apartment and closed the door. "However, I can guarantee that I did not sleep with the woman you are talking about. Sarah, by the way, is her name. 6D. Three floors up from me in my building..."

I didn't let him finish. "I don't give a crap what her name is or where she lives. You have the gull to drop me here all frustrated after your family event, then not contact me until it's late in the evening. Get out of my apartment. While you are at it. Stay out of my life."

This is where my no good bad common sense anger kicks in. I don't know if there is a man alive that can deal with my temper. At times, I was sure I inherited it from my aunt. The very reason she is on hunt for number four man to marry. It's the anger I show to those closest to me, with the exception of my dad and Marion, that gets them all worked up and ready for a fight.

"Amber?" His voice was soft but his jaw was tense, his eyes glaring, and he had the look of a man who wanted to yell right back at me. Then he said it, but it didn't sink in. "Look. You got it all wrong. Sarah came onto me before I had a chance... Listen. It's not what you think. Things have gotten a little crazy in my life, and I just needed to think some things through."

"Well think it through while the door is hitting you on the ass." I shouted out and pointed to the door with major emphasis on the direction of where my finger was pointing.

"Amber!" This time his voice was soft yet it had an edge to it. "Listen. You're acting all crazy about this. Give me a break."

"What? A break? So you can what? Invite 6D in for a little tongue twister? And you can take that word crazy and shove it where the sun doesn't shine." I turned away just a bit, but kept him in my peripheral line of sight, and crossed my arms. At this point, if my boobs crested my top to give him a valley of appeal, well so be it.

He started off with a soft response. "There is a logical explanation for 6D if you would just calm down and let me explain. It is not what it seems. She came on to me."

"Nice!" I glared. Then how did she get in your apartment and naked. I thought it but didn't say it. What I did say came out nasty and cold. "I don't need your lame-ass excuses for having sex with other women. It's not like you're the first man to do this. Do it once, shame on me? Do it twice..." I didn't get to finish. His cold tone and held temper voice that had his jaw tense and his eyes glaring came through quite clear on how he felt.

"Are you always this short tempered with everyone in your life?" He said it with the same tone I have heard myself use a time or two on people I have run out of patience with. I knew he was referring to the fact that I jumped in and defended him, briskly with a curt tone at his parents' house. Now that I had time to replay my tone of voice towards his father and family, not to mention the few nasty words I said on the car ride home that Sunday, I had not exactly come across as a southern belle, more like a bull in a china shop puffing out steam.

Either way, that did not change the fact of how confused I feel at the moment. I was not about to accept the 'story' he was giving me about naked 6D. He could go find himself another woman that was a bit more reserved than me. I don't need some Johnny come lately fly by night sexy as hell man who's good with his hands and has a brain on him that will make him the president of his father's corporation one day. I don't need a man like him if he thinks I'm crazy enough to share him with 6D.

Something in me steeled hard, with all the anger of things gone wrong in my life, my mother's constant disapproval and nagging, and the need to just feel as if I fit in with his family when I really should not have met them that early on in our dating. As I felt the anger rise within me, I directed it at Mason, even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do. "I think I need more than just a short break from you Mason. I need a permanent one."

He glared at me with hurt, then his whole face went cold; he looked distant and aloof. "Nice. Have it your way." He took a deep breath and then let me in on what happened with 6D. "Just so you know; I was taking a shower when Sarah broke into my place and surprised me naked. If you watched a moment longer, you would have seen me push her off me, then insist she leave my apartment. However, something tells me you don't want to hear the truth; you just want to jump to conclusions. And that goes for my family. They are truly sorry by the way." He turned and walked right out of my apartment without even closing the door behind him. At least four neighbors were in the hall standing just outside my door staring the direction from which I stood and Mason just left.

He was already down a flight of stairs before Ms. Handly, the old lady who lives two apartments away from me shot off a smart-aleck remark. "Even with my hearing aid turned down, I can hear you all the way down the hall. Keep it up princess and I might start selling tickets to the show."

I heard some mumble from Mr. Miller from the other direction down the hall, as he spoke loud enough so Ms. Handly could hear over her turned down hearing aid. "That girl has some growing up to do. Might do her some good to get married and pregnant."

Nice. That comment stung. With Marion and Carl pregnant, and the front-runner for potential mate just storming away, I was now thirty and nowhere closer to where I wanted to be in life at twenty-nine. I seem to have followed in my aunt's footsteps of crazy chaos and party poopers instead of getting my act together.

I stared at my neighbors, and then decided I had enough. I slammed my apartment door shut and practically ran into my bathroom where I slammed and locked the door shut. I doubted he had a way to unlock this door. Although, he is the super for both buildings and he probably could unlock every door in the place, including Sarah from 6D.

Now that he has stated with what he says is the truth, I didn't see us working this thing we had going on. I guess if he had stayed in my apartment and announced his love for me and begging for my forgiveness, I might have believed him. As all that sank in, it did not take me but a minute to have myself into a full-blown pity party. Tears were streaming, snot was working its way out, eyes were burning, and my heart felt like it was in a vice grip. I highly doubted that what I saw was a mistake. Sarah from 6D got into his apartment somehow, that was most likely him letting her in. She also had her arms around him, and I know I saw his hands come up to her shoulders. Or, now that I think about what I saw versus what he said happened, I wondered. Could it be true? Did 6D let herself in, get naked, and surprise him as he was out of the shower and about to get dressed? Did she walk towards him, naked boobs and all, and put her arms around him as his hands came up to do what? Gently guide her away and tell her that he is taken? If I had been rational and calm, I might have been able to ask him. However, I wasn't.

I finally got myself calmed down. Perhaps, there could be a chance, that maybe, on an off chance that what I really saw was 6D Sarah, coming on to Mason and him pulling away. Yet, he did not exactly try too hard to convince me of his love for me over 6D. I decided to text him: 'We should talk. I'm calm now."

I waited for over an hour and never got a text back. Perhaps, this was for the best. I guess. Therefore, I did something very mature of myself and my new age of thirty; I sent a second text that simply read: 'Never mind me, I'm not worth it, have fun with 6D'. I guess my mature days were going to be short lived, as maybe I could have left 6D out of that text. In the digital world, once you hit send, it is too late.