What Goes Around

chapter FIFTY

‘Why did you stay, Lucy?’

I’ve just told the grief counsellor about all the affairs.

I’ve just gone through my marriage, through our life.

I’ve told Denise the lot.

I even told her about my foursome fantasy and how ashamed of that I am, how I didn’t even like it, so why was I thinking it?

‘Who knows?’ She smiles. She doesn’t seem shocked. She’s not even shocked when I tell her about Luke. Nor when I tell her the things Jess said.

She was, I think, a bit shocked, but trying to hide it when I told her some of my childhood stuff but we’re not talking about that now.

Today we’re talking about his affairs, today she’s asking me why I stayed.

‘Charlotte,’ I say. ‘Though I liked the lifestyle too,’ I admit. ‘I liked the things I could give her and I didn’t want to be like my mum.’

‘Did you ever have an affair?’

I shake my head.

‘Never?’ Denise checks. ‘Even though you knew that he was sleeping around?’

‘No,’ I tell her. ‘Honestly, I never even thought about having an affair…’ and then I look at her and my face is burning and I am trying to tell the truth. ‘Actually, right near the end of it, I did start thinking I might have one…’

‘With?’

‘No-one,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular.’ I just sit there and think for a moment. ‘I just wanted there to be more.’

‘More what?’ Denise asks.

I don’t know the answer but instead of avoiding, I’m trying to find it.

‘I was just…’ I close my eyes as I look at that time; I was like a bucket with holes that could no longer be filled with the meaningless. I take a deep breath and I tell Denise the truth. ‘I was just getting more and more fed up with my life.’

With my perfect life.

With the life I so badly wanted for Charlotte.

But it was starting to not be enough for me.