What Goes Around

chapter FIFTY FOUR

‘Luke?’ I close my eyes when I get home and the phone is ringing. I hear his voice, I’m tired, I’m upset, it’s been a shit of a morning. I’ve just sat in the headmaster’s office listening to the names Charlotte’s called Felicity and I don’t know how I’m going to face Simone. I don’t want to deal with Luke today; I don’t want to, because I might break down, I might just beg him to come over.

I might.

I can’t.

We haven’t spoken in weeks.

Make that months.

Not since I slammed down the phone that time.

‘What do you want?

‘To speak to you.’ He sounds brusque, annoyed. ‘Are you aware that Charlotte’s having trouble at school?’

‘I know.’ Bloody Facebook – Luke must have seen it. ‘I've just come back from the headmaster, apparently Charlotte’s been cyber bullying.’

‘Bullshit,’ Luke says.

‘No, I've seen some of the conversations, one of the mum’s printed it off…’

‘What about the way those girls have been to her?’ He demands. ‘What did they have to say about that?’

‘What girls?’ I say. ‘It’s Charlotte that’s doing the bullying.’

‘Hasn't she told you?’ I can hear his angry breath and it’s starting to dawn on me that he’s not ringing me to find out if she’s in trouble, he’s ringing to tell me that she is. ‘Do you not see what goes on on there Lucy?’

‘She won’t let me.’

‘Then don't let her on it.’

He doesn't get it, he doesn't have kids and it shows, but I know that he’s right too - I used to be so much more careful with it, I used to hover over her shoulder. She used to tell me what was happening, who she was talking to, what was going on.

‘What’s going on?’ I’m embarrassed that I have to ask Luke what's going on with my own daughter.

‘It’s Charlotte that’s being bullied.’

‘How would you know?’ I bristle.

‘Because I'm her friend on Facebook,’ Luke says. ‘I try not to interfere and to stay back because I know that if I say anything she's just going to unfriend me. I'd rather know and not like it, than not know at all. I know you’ve taken Jess’s side and I get that – I understand that you two are friends. Charlotte is my goddaughter though, and I'm not going to step back when I can see she's hurting.’

‘I’m trying to get on her page,’ I tell Luke – I’ve been sitting on the computer since I got home. ‘I've tried every password I could think she might use.’

‘There’s nothing up there,’ Luke says. ‘They take it down straight away, or Charlotte deletes it.’

‘So what things do they say?’

There’s the longest pause. ‘I’m on my way.’

It takes forty minutes for him to get here. I know then how much I've changed, because the old me would have rushed up to the bathroom to sort out my hair and make up, would've done a quick tidy of my already immaculate house. Instead I spend another frantic forty minutes trying to log onto Charlotte’s Facebook and going through her room, it's only when Luke arrives that I become conscious of how I look.

I know I look a mess, and I'm conscious too of the state of the house, all the breakfast things are still over the benches and there are coffee cups and magazines everywhere. Things aren’t sliding again I want to tell him, that was because I had another row with Charlotte, that’s why the house looks like a before shot.

Except it's after.

He's not looking so hot either – he hasn't shaved this morning and his shirt’s a bit crumpled. I guess living alone, or living the bachelor life is taking its toll, or perhaps just some getting used to.

‘Make a drink,’ Luke says and I remember that I haven't had one since breakfast. ‘Then we'll talk.’

He's actually very calming, in that he doesn't dash to the computer, or blurt out what's happening. I make a drink but when I walk in the living room I can see his face is serious, really serious.

I know this isn’t good.

‘There's a girl, Felicity,’ Luke starts. ‘She posted a couple of things on Charlotte’s wall - I can't even remember what they were, but they weren’t nice - they weren’t outright horrible but a few people liked them.’ He looks at me. ‘You do know what like is?’

‘Sort of,’ I lie.

So I'm given a brief lesson on social networking - it would seem that Felicity said something a little bit mean and a few of Charlotte's friends ticked that they liked it, or gave smiley face comments - and then it got nastier. ‘Charlotte’s ponyless.’ He sees me frown and he nods. ‘Felicity did a little sad face after, so I guess, you could say, she wasn't being nasty, but she was, Lucy – because a couple of weeks ago she wrote… ponyless, fatherless, pointless.’

The posts have been taken down he tells me, they only stay up for an hour so, normally after-school. I think of her in the house alone, dealing with whatever it is they’re saying.

‘Why hasn't she told me?’

‘She probably doesn't want to upset you, or maybe she’s embarrassed to tell you.’

‘Why would she be embarrassed?’

‘Because,’ Luke tells me, as only Luke can - utterly void of emotion, he tells me what’s been going on. ‘A lot of the posts are about you.’

I flinch with every line he delivers.

Charlotte’s mum is doing my shopping

Charlotte’s mum is buying more gin

And cake

And new knickers

Hey Charlotte was your dad’s girlfriend at the funeral? Did she say hi?

Charlotte has an ambulance on speed dial

‘It must be my neighbour who’s spreading the gossip,’ my lips tighten in spite. ‘It must be her, she’s the only one…’

‘You don't know that,’ Luke says. ‘You need to speak to Charlotte but first we need to speak to the school.’

‘We?’

He nods. ‘Ring them now, tell them we’re on our way.’

I do as told, but I get through to the snobby secretary. ‘He can see me tomorrow at nine…’ I don't want this to go on for another night, and I'm not sure if Luke will take more time away from work for another of Lucy’s messes. I wait for him to nod or shake his head but instead he takes the phone. ‘This is Charlotte Jameson’s godfather here. I've got some rather disturbing information that I'm sure the headmaster would want to be informed about, so we’re on our way now.’

‘What if they don't believe you?’ We’re pulling into the school and I look a lot better this time around, because appearances do matter apparently. Before we left I was sent upstairs by Luke to change out of my supermarket gear and put some make-up on.

I feel better for it.

I feel better and just a little stunned, when Luke turns around and smiles. ‘They’ve got no choice but to believe me, I’ve got it all on my phone. I took screen shots…’

He took pictures of it apparently; I didn’t even know that you could do that. It's like having your own private detective and not even knowing that you’d hired one. ‘You need to get with the times a bit more, Lucy.’

We go in and I'm not scared, I'm angry – furious in fact, I tell the headmaster. I tell him a few other things too – like, how dare he accuse my daughter of bullying without getting all the facts? How dare he haul my daughter into the office about something so serious without speaking with me first? Oh, I say many things. To be honest, I don't think Luke said a word, well, not till the end when he stood up and shook the red-faced headmaster’s hand. He told him that he trusted it would all be dealt with satisfactorily and that he would be keeping a very close eye on things from now on.

I did a good job with the headmaster, I really did, but there is something about a man.

Or something about this one, I think, taking a sneak peek as he drives me home.

He just deals with things.

‘I'm embarrassed,’ I admit, as we pull into my drive.

‘Don't worry about what other people think Lucy.’

‘Not about that,’ it surprises me that I actually don't care. I'm not embarrassed for me, with what they were saying, I'm just appalled for Charlotte. ‘I’m embarrassed that I had to find out from you. I don't know what's going on with my daughter.’

‘You’re dealing with a lot, Lucy. Don't waste time beating yourself up, you can't afford it. Spend that time sorting things out with Charlotte.’

‘I will.’

Adele’s, Someone Like You, is playing on the radio and her voice is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. I cry a lot to Adele actually, but I don’t cry today, I swallow tears down instead.

‘I'm sorry if you thought I was taking sides, Luke. I handled things badly.’ My cheeks burn but I force myself to go on. ‘I would never keep you away from Charlotte, you can ring her any time, come over, take her out.’

‘Thank you.’

And then, just as I think I’m starting to do well with this being a grown up lark, just when I’m patting myself on the back for handling things better, it happens.

There’s a lot of thinking done in the seconds it take for his face to move to mine. I know he’s just trying it on.

I know his opinion of me.

Just lately, I’ve changed my opinion of him.

He’s not married now is he, Lucy? No.

Jess is in Wales and she’s seeing someone else, isn’t she, Lucy? Yes.

But it would hurt her wouldn’t it, Lucy? Yes.

Would she even have to know?

And then I taste him.

For a tiny second I feel his lips on mine and it’s exactly as it is in my dreams.

I want to open my mouth to him, I want to give in and for a little while I do.

I feel the cool of his tongue as it slides over mine, I feel the warmth of his hand on my waist and he moves closer to me. He pulls me in, and I could blame it all on so many things, but I don’t want to keep making excuses…

I’m not losing my best friend for a shag and a chardonnay.

He thinks I’m a slut, I know that he does, but I’m better than that, and I would never do that to Jess. I pull my head back and I slap him as I tell him the same.

I turn and open the door to get out.

Up pops my neighbour, like a Muppet over the hedge, pretending to trim it. ‘Bloody cow,’ I mutter ready to charge over there.

‘You don't know that, Lucy,’ he grabs my coat and thankfully stops me. I take a deep breath and I can see the red marks my fingers have left on his cheek. ‘Don’t march over there all angry with her, when you’re really angry with me.

And I am angry.

Boyo, I’m angry, Jess.

‘F*ck you, Luke!’

Except I don’t.

I climb out of the car when I don't want to.

I just know that I have to.

If this is the price to feel better, to be a better woman, then I’ll pay it.

Not that anyone will know.

It's better this way though.

Harder but better.

Hard to wave at my neighbour instead of accusing.

Hard to do the breakfast dishes, when I want to lie down.

Hard to tidy up the bathroom and run a cloth over the sink.

But better.

I can face myself in the mirror.