What Goes Around

chapter FORTY SEVEN

‘Ready?’ Gloria smiles to Charlotte and not to me.

‘Thanks so much for this,’ I say, and I really mean it. It's still terribly awkward between us, we’re never going to be friends, and I accept that.

Regretfully, I accept that.

She looks really well - Gloria's lost more weight.

‘We shouldn't be too long,’ Gloria says. ‘At least I hope not – I’ve got Daisy today.’

‘Oh!’ I didn't think Daisy was a problem any more, I thought Eleanor and Noel were back together, but perhaps I've misunderstood.

‘Eleanor’s got a job interview today and Daisy is teething and really crabby…’

‘That’s not like her.’ I hesitate, I’m not sure if it's my place to offer, I’m not sure that she would trust me to look after her, but Gloria’s done so much for me and I do adore Daisy. ‘Do you want me to look after her?’

‘Are you sure you don't mind?’ Gloria checks. ‘She gets all upset there, because Noel’s working and he can’t give her a cuddle. It would really help.’

‘I'd love to,’ I say. Actually I would love to, because Luke’s coming around and all distractions are welcome. I go to the car and I help Gloria unload.

‘I should have thought of this,’ I apologise. ‘You dragging the pushchair and baby and bags - next time just leave her with me.’

She gives a short nod - sometimes it's strained, sometimes we are like vague friends or two polite women, sometimes it's impossible, not just for me but for her. I know that, because there are times when she doesn’t bring Charlotte to the door, just drops her off and drives away - it just is what it is, I guess.

So, I’ve got a baby in my home and I haven’t had one of them for a very long time.

‘You're not crabby at all,’ I say to Daisy as I bounce her on my lap. Her little fat legs buckle as she stands on my lap. She really is gorgeous, she’s got these honey coloured ringlets that have just a little bit of red and this smile that just makes you smile. You simply cannot fail to love her.

Charlotte told me what happened.

Noel never used to look at Daisy at her dental visits. Charlotte’s a shrewd little thing – she notices things that others wouldn’t. Anyway, she was having her teeth done and Daisy started to sing and to laugh and it just got louder and louder and then, when Charlotte’s fitting was done, Noel asked Gloria if he could hold Daisy.

‘He started crying, Mum!’ Charlotte was incredulous when she told me. ‘He must be forty and he’s a dentist and he started crying!’

You have to cry or smile when you’re holding Daisy. She’s singing away and I lose myself in her for a good twenty minutes. We’re just playing and singing and laughing, so much so that I forget to be nervous that Luke’s coming and I am smiling and relaxed with Daisy on my hip when I open the door.

He gives a tight smile.

‘Cute!’ Luke says as he takes a seat at the table. ‘Something else you didn't tell me?’

It's a joke, but we're not very good at joking, so I offer him a coffee and he says the inevitable no, that he's in a rush. He just needs a couple of signatures and some of my payslips.

‘Who’d have thought!’ He looks at the package I've handed him. ‘Lucy working.’

‘I actually enjoy it,’ I admit.

‘You’ve done well.’ It's the first compliment he has ever given me. ‘Things are in a lot better shape now,’ Luke says and he runs a hand over his forehead. I can see that he's tired and strained and that he doesn’t want to be here and I know what’s coming. ‘The thing is, Lucy…’ I save him from having to resign from my life - I know he's been doing it out of a sense of duty to him and as a favour to Jess.

‘I was actually going to see my lawyer,’ I interrupt. ‘Just for the last bit - once the mortgage comes in and everything and to pay the girls.’

‘It would probably be wiser,’ Luke says. ‘I’m really snowed under at work at the moment.’

‘I completely understand. You've done way more than enough.’

‘Still, call if there are any problems.’ He puts all the forms in his briefcase and stands.

‘I’ll tell Jess,’ I smile, because I tell Jess everything – well, not quite everything.

I pull Daisy in a bit closer, glad to have her there to hold onto as, for the last time, he leaves. I know it's not the last time I'll see him – I mean he’ll be here with Jess to see Charlotte, but he’s excused himself now and the paperwork's all over and done with. I know nothing happened, I know it never would - Luke doesn't even like me. I just want him out of my head, I just want away from the guilt of my thoughts.

‘I still don’t get it…’ I say. We are at the door when I speak. ‘I don’t know why he changed his insurance and things.’ It doesn’t matter as much now, I just want to pay the money and be done. ‘I just wonder sometimes.’

‘He told me why.’

My hand freezes on the catch and slowly I turn around.

‘When we played golf in the New Year.’ Luke tries to keep his distaste for me from his face but it’s poorly masked in his words, even if he tries to be matter of fact as he says it. ‘He thought you were cheating on him.’

What?

I just stand there, incredulous.

‘He thought you were about to leave and he wanted to be sure all his girls would be okay.’

‘He’s got a nerve,’ I say.

But Luke isn’t about to be drawn into conversation.

‘See you then Lucy.’ He gives me that very brief smile and there’s a jiggle of keys then he stops and ruffles Daisy's hair. Everyone does that, those gorgeous ringlets have everyone reaching out and Daisy gets a proper smile from him, a real smile. It’s stupid but I feel like I'm going to start crying, my throat is dry and tight and I’m scared to sniff, because then he might see, then he might know that I'm close to tears.

I want him gone, I want him gone now.

‘Bye then,’ I say brightly, except he doesn't move. I want to close the door on him, I want to have nothing to regret, I want to be able to look my friend in the eye.

Luke doesn’t even like me.

Scratch that.

Luke actively dislikes me, even if he tries not to let it show.

But it terrifies me that one move from him and I’d be getting carpet burn again in the hallway.

I love Jess.

I want to be a woman who'd never.

Who might have in the past.

But isn't like that now.

He’s looking at Daisy, who’s in my arms silent and I don’t want him to look at me but he does.

I see his grey eyes but I can’t look into them so I look at his mouth.

I want to walk over and rest my head on him.

I want him to wrap his arms around me.

I want his mouth.

I want him to kiss me.

I want to forget consequence.

I know now why I told Jess about Noel.

I'm the kid from the film that looks up at the camera and says, “I see dead people” - except my head spins full circle and the words that I hiss are “I sleep with husbands.” I was warning her, telling her perhaps and warning him too.

I'm not like that now.

‘Bye then,’ I say and he turns.

‘Bye,’ he says and walks out.

‘And, thank you,’ I say as I remember Miss Manners.

He leaves and I close the door and I feel Daisy’s little hands on my tears and nothing has happened.

Nothing ever would.

Luke can’t stand me.

But it’s actually not about Luke and whether or not he might have tried; it’s my reaction to the hypothetical that terrifies me. I stop crying and I look now to Daisy and tell her my answer.

‘No.’ I tell her. ‘I would never.’

And you know why?

Because, I'm better than that now.

I’m getting better.