What If

“You wanted me? I find that hard to believe, Briar. Here you are spitting all this venom, making me out to be the bad guy. You want to know all those answers? Here you go, babe.” The word “babe” sounded more like a hurtful name than a pet name. “I was a stupid fifteen year old at that party. I wasn’t thinking, I was asked to join their little game. After our talk in that bedroom, I knew I didn’t want to take the chance of losing your friendship. If that meant I couldn’t put the moves on you, then I was willing to keep it simply friendly. When you didn’t say anything to me about Darcy, I assumed you didn’t have feelings besides friendship for me anyway. I always wanted you, Briar. Every. Single. Day. Seeing you in school, after school, seeing you with Kai: it was torture.” He gripped my shoulders, making it impossible to move away. His heavy breaths filled my nostrils with the scent of spicy tobacco. I hated that I loved it. “You showed up at my party with another guy. What was I supposed to think? To me, it looked like you were plenty happy with Killian. What would’ve been the point of me not moving on? You didn’t want me; Lacey did. How was I supposed to know that Killian was just there as a filler in a place I was supposed to be?” His eyes clenched and then reopened. “I thought I was good at reading you, Briar, but how was I supposed to read how upset you were about Lacey when I was miles away? You didn’t tell me. You didn’t say a word. The letters stopped coming. That’s all I knew. There was no reason.” Everything he said felt like a mixture of salt and balm being rubbed directly to my open wounds. Some of what he said hurt and burned, while some coated and healed.

I shoved his chest trying to free myself from his grip. “Let me go, Arrow,” I said somewhat calmly.

“No. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me where you were when you were supposed to be at my graduation,” he inquired. “Where. Were. You?” he bit out.

The only people that knew I flew to see him were my parents, Killian, and Lacey. I would bet a million dollars that Lacey never told him that little tidbit. Killian couldn’t have, and my parents would never make it a point to talk to him.

My voice cracked when I tried to answer. The pain wasn’t a distant memory. I still remembered exactly how it felt when my soul shattered. It’s impossible to forget an ache that you feel the echoes of every day. I didn’t want to cry in front of him today, because if I started I wouldn’t stop. It would be sobs wrecking my body. I wouldn’t have another melt down because of Arrow.

“Tell me,” he demanded. “God, just tell me.” His eyes looked glassy, aggrieved. His hands tightened on my shoulders.

“I was there!” I bellowed in a tearful cry.

“What?” His hands dropped to his sides, his eyes wavered away from me, around the room. “I looked for you; you weren’t there,” he said in disbelief.

“I was late. By the time I got there, your graduation was over. As soon as I got out of the taxi I saw you standing there with Lacey. You were really happy, Arrow.” My hands were at my chest trying to put pressure on my heart that ached. “I knew when I saw her wrapped in your arms kissing you - I knew you would never be mine. You didn’t need me there. I wasn’t wanted there. So I left.”

“You were there?” he asked again. His hands tried gripping at the short hair on his head.

“Yeah.” My shoulders fell forward in defeat.

“I’ve spent nearly a decade believing that you didn’t come.” Arrow moved towards me. His face changed from the mix of anger and confusion he wore since I arrived to a look of longing.

“What are you doing?” I held my hands up to keep him a safe distance away from me.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he stated, moving my hands out of the way.

“No, you’re not! I’m not done yet.” I moved my head to the side so he couldn’t reach my lips. Once his lips touched mine I knew I would be under his spell.

His hands came up and cupped my cheeks in the way that he always did when he wanted my attention. “What now?” He looked deeply into my eyes.

“Why didn’t you call me when you came back from Afghanistan? Do you know how worried I was? I thought you were going to die.”

“Briar, even if I thought you wanted to hear from me I wouldn’t have called you.”

I staggered backward like he slapped me, because that’s what it felt like: a hit to my gut.

“Don’t look like that. You’re killing me. I can’t stand that look in your eyes.” He tried to wipe the tear from my cheek, but I shoved his hand away. “I wasn’t the kind of man anyone needed to be around,” he explained, but I was still confused.

“What?”

“I wasn’t right in the head when I came back. Hell, I’m still not. What I went through in Afghanistan was the shit nightmares and horror flicks are made out of. I refused to see a therapist. Instead, I self-medicated with drugs.” The look on his face was regretful.

“Drugs? What kind of drugs?” I questioned, my voice rising.

“You name it; I did it. I’m not proud of the things I did. It’s why I decided to move back here. After I was honorably discharged, I didn’t know what I was going to do. The drugs took over. It wasn’t until a year later that I realized just how bad I’d gotten. I needed to get away from the people I was surrounded by there. If I kept down that rocky path, I was going to kill myself.” He looked distant, like he was remembering his time in California.

“I could’ve helped you. I would’ve been there for you,” I argued. Imagining Arrow in the kind of pain that would lead him to drugs, knowing he went through unforgettable, unimaginable events when he was deployed made me want to hold him, want to go back in time and make sure he knew he wasn’t alone.

“I wouldn’t have let you help me.” His hands came up and ran through my hair, down my arms until he held my hands in his. “There were too many times to count where I wanted to call you. But Briar, I didn’t want you to see the man I’d become. I was disappointed in myself. I knew you would be too. I couldn’t stand the thought of you thinking less of me.” A single tear escaped his left eye.

The wetness of it coated my thumb when I wiped it away from his stubbly cheek.

“I wouldn’t have thought less of you, Arrow. I would’ve hurt for you, but I wouldn’t have judged you.”

Big, sopping, wet tears were making tracks down my cheeks. I touched the scar on the side of his eye and then moved my finger across his lips. “I can’t imagine living in a world that you don’t exist in.” The wavering of my voice continued, “Not having you in my life was one thing, but you not walking on this planet while I did: unacceptable.”

I lifted up on my tiptoes, wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his head down. “Tell me I get to keep you for myself, Arrow. Tell me that I won’t have to live without you ever again,” I whispered against his mouth, not quite touching.

His eyes met mine. “You’ll be lucky if I let you out of my sight.” He promised. Then his lips closed the distance between us.





Never in my life have I been consumed by an overwhelming, all-encompassing, burning passion. Unable to handle the truth behind our past, the knowledge that Briar loved me like I loved her, that she had flown to see me only to have her heart broken, I needed to lose myself in her.