Chapter 2
Lilly
What the hell just happened? I look in the rearview mirror to see Ashlyn trying to see out the back window. I never in a million years thought I would see Cash again, let alone see him when I have Ashlyn with me and he has his son. I want to puke. He had asked why I was being so cool about this; honestly, I might have been cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was freaking right the f*ck out. All I’d wanted to do was pick Ashlyn up, run out of there, and get as far away from him as I could.
“Mommy, was that really my daddy?” Oh, God, I never thought I would be having this conversation. I considered that maybe when she got older she might look for him, but I never thought that I would have to find a way to explain to my almost-three-year-old something that I didn’t even understand.
“Yeah, love, that was your daddy.” I silently pray that she falls asleep and doesn’t have any more questions. Hell, this would be so much easier if she was still a baby. She doesn’t say anything else the whole way home. My mind is going over millions of scenarios, some of them involving packing up and taking off back to Alaska to the comfort of my parents, but I know I can’t do that. The look on Cash’s face when he saw Ashlyn and realized who she is was , just broke my heart. And then, when I looked in his eyes when he told me that he didn’t send those messages, all I saw was honesty. He didn’t want to admit he was married, I remind myself.
When I pull up in front of our apartment building, I look back and see Ashlyn asleep. I grab our bags and unhook her, pulling her out of the car. I slam the door and make my way up the two sets of outside stairs, and once I reach the door, I juggle her and our bags so that we can get inside. The first thing I do is drop our bags to the floor and go lay her down in her bed, pulling off her shoes and making sure her doll is where she can see it when she wakes up. I pull a blanket over her and make my way to the kitchen, where I pull out a bottle of moscato from my fridge, pop the cork, and fill my wine glass half-full. I down the contents, then refill the glass.
I walk to the living room and sit down on my secondhand couch, looking around our small two-bedroom apartment. It’s not much, but it’s what I could afford from the money I saved working over the past few summers in a fish processing plant. Most of our furniture is used, but in good condition; the only things that I bought new were our beds. When we moved from Alaska, I didn’t want to pay for shipping everything, so we came with our clothes and what could fit in suitcases. I wonder what Cash will say about our home. My stomach starts to turn when thoughts of him trying to take Ashlyn from me fill my head. My phone starts ringing from my bag on the floor. I unfold myself from the couch, pick up my bag and digging to the bottom for my phone, but by the time I find it, it has stopped ringing. I flip it over in my hand, seeing Cash’s name along with the words Missed Call.
“Shit,” I whisper, fumbling with the phone when it starts ringing again. I drop it to the floor, forgetting I have a glass of wine in my hand, so when I bend over to pick it up, I dump the glass of wine all over it. I shake as much of the wine off as I can, then start franticly wiping it on my jeans. The phone goes silent for a second before ringing again, and I slide my finger across the screen, hoping that it will work.
“Hello?”
“Are you home?” Cash growls down the line. I look around for a second before answering him.
“Yes.”
“I called and you didn’t answer, and I told you to call me when you got home.” I roll my eyes and take a breath.
“Well, I had to put Ashlyn to bed because she fell asleep in the car. Then I had to have a glass of wine. Then you called and I spilt said wine all over my phone, so I am so sorry if I didn’t call or answer you fast enough.”
“You had to have a glass of wine? And you spilt it all over your phone?” he asks.
“Um…yes. I definitely had to have a glass of wine,” I tell him truthfully, ignoring the part about spilling my wine. I have always been clumsy. “There is only so much stress a girl can take. And it’s either wine or shopping, and since I am a single mother and can’t afford to shop my stress away, I had to have a glass of wine.” I realize I’m rambling and squeeze my eyes closed, my head falling back and hitting the wall. I hear him laughing; my eyes fly open and I remember that he used to always laugh at everything I said. In Alaska, I’d hated that I still loved the memory of the sound of his laughter; part of me still wants to hate him, but I just can’t.
“You still there?”
“What?”
“I thought the call dropped.”
“Oh no, it didn’t,” I say like an idiot; obviously, he knows the call didn’t drop.
“So I…” He pauses, and I can picture him running his hand through his hair the way he always used to when he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to say it. “I talked to my mom, and she will watch Jax tomorrow so I can come up and see you and Ashlyn.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I have the weekend off, so we will be home.”
“Okay, good,” he says, and I can hear the nervousness in his voice. “Did you talk to her?”
“No, I will. It’s just she fell asleep in the car.”
“Yeah, Jax fell asleep too,” he sighs.
“This is really awkward,” I laugh.
“Tell me about it.” I have the urge to ask him about his wife, but can’t spit the words out. The thought of him married makes me ill. Why did he still have to be so gorgeous? With his overgrown dark hair, crystal-clear blue eyes, tan skin, strong jaw, his height and body—geez, his body is as perfect as I remember—wearing dark jeans that fit just right, and a red t-shirt that was so tight I could see everything. “So I was thinking that I would come up around ten; does that work for you?”
“What?” I hear the words, but they don’t register for a second because I am stuck in a daydream about his body. Maybe it’s time to start dating.
“Ten in the morning…does that work for you?” I can hear the smile in his voice, and I shake myself out of my daydream.
“Yeah, sure. Ten is fine.”
“Good, I told Ashlyn I would talk to her tonight before she goes to bed. Can you have her call me when she wakes up from her nap?”
“Yeah, no problem.” I close my eyes.
“I am glad you don’t hate me,” he whispers, the words sounding pained. My eyes open.
“I want to.” I really do. I want to rage and scream and cry, but I just can’t. I feel like this isn’t really happening.
“I have a lot to explain. I just…damn, this situation is completely f*cked up.”
“Look, we will just talk tomorrow or whenever. I will have Ashlyn call you tonight. I just…I just need to know that you plan on sticking around; otherwise, I won’t put her through this.”
“I told you already I won’t change my mind. I have already missed out on way too much.”
“All right, so let me give you my address.” I rattle it off to him quickly. “See you tomorrow,” I say, and before he can say anything more, I hang up. I pull the phone from my ear and it starts ringing again right away; this time my mom’s number is flashing across the screen.
“Hey, Mom.” I try to sound cheerful.
“What’s wrong?” Dammit, I didn’t want to have to tell her this. I moved home shortly after I had Ashlyn. I tried to make it on my own, but with a new baby, school, a job, and an apartment, it was just too difficult. My dad was ready to fly down and kill Cash, and my mom wasn’t much better.
“IranintoAshlyn’sdadtoday,andshewaswithme,” I say as quickly as verbally possible.
“You what?” she screeches.
“Oh, God, Mom, I don’t know. I took Ashlyn to the place she likes with all the trampolines and he was there with his son. I tried to leave and he stopped me. He knew right away that Ashlyn was his, and I swear, Mom, I swear he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about when I told him about the messages.”
“You need to come home.”
“Mom,” I sigh, sitting down on the couch.
“Honey, that prick told you to get rid of my granddaughter. He doesn’t get to come in now, filling your head with a bunch of bull-hocky, making you believe that he never told you those things.”
“I know, Mom, but what if he didn’t do it? I can’t keep Ashlyn away from him; she knew right away who he was. If he really does want to be in her life, I can’t keep him out.”
“I have a 12-gauge that says different.”
“I think that’s illegal, and I kinda love you, so I would hate to see you in jail.”
“Honey, just,” she pauses, “just promise me that you know what you’re doing.” I had not a clue what I was doing.
“I am thinking of Ashlyn, Mom. That’s my one thought.”
“How is my grandbaby taking this?”
“I haven’t really talked to her about it yet. She fell asleep in the car on the way home. I have no idea how to explain this to her.”
“Well,” she lets out a long breath, “don’t start off by saying that her dad is a good for nothing a*shole.” I laugh. I can’t help it; my mom is funny.
“That’s sound advice.”
“Just tell her that he is ready to get to know her—that he missed her and is glad that you moved close so that they can see each other.”
“That’s even better advice.”
“Well, kiddo, you know I love you, and you know if you need anything—even an alibi—me and your dad will be here for you.”
“Thanks, Mom. I love you,” I whisper, laying down on the couch. “Tell Daddy I love him.”
“I will, honey. If you need us, you call.”
“I will, Mom. Don’t worry about me; everything will be all right.” I hang up, staring at the ceiling, knowing I need to get up, but I don’t move until I see Ashlyn standing in the hall rubbing her eyes. I call her over, pulling her into my lap. I explain as best as I can about Cash and why he wasn’t around before, and how that was now going to change. Then I tell her about him coming over the next day, and she is very excited about that. My dad was the only man who she’s had in her life, so having her dad would be huge for her. After Cash, I only dated one guy. He was sweet and good friends with my dad. We didn’t get serious—I wasn’t ready for that. When I got the job here in Tennessee, he was a little upset I was leaving, but understood why. Plus I never wanted to feel the loss of someone that I loved again like I felt when Cash left me. So it was easier to get out before we got too involved.
Ashlyn jumped off my lap and ran to her room, yelling over her shoulder that she wanted it to be perfect for when her daddy came to play tomorrow. I snorted to myself; maybe there was a bright side to this after all.
*~*~*
Cash
“What’s going on?” I turn, looking at Asher as he walks through the door. The last time I called a meeting at the barn was the day I broke up with Lilly and my life changed forever. I can’t help thinking that this time the meeting is no less serious but I am praying that the outcome will lead me to my own happiness.
“No clue,” Nico says, frowning down at his phone.
“Is everything okay?” Trevor asks Nico, who puts his cell phone away before sitting back in his chair.
“Work stuff.” He shrugs before looking at me. “So why are we here?” he asks. Since he started working for Kenton, his whole persona has changed. There is an edge to him that wasn’t there before. Now, he doesn’t just look like a bad ass with tattoos; he is a badass with tattoos.
“I saw Lilly today,” I say.
“That’s good, right?” Trevor says, looking slightly confused.
“Well, she has a daughter.” I clear my throat, running my hand down the back of my neck. “I…have a daughter,” I say the words that I still can’t believe myself.
“What do you mean you have a daughter?” Asher asks.
“Seems that when we were together, she got pregnant. I didn’t know this, and she says that she tried to tell me, but someone sent her messages from my phone telling her to get an abortion.”
“What?” Trevor asks loudly.
“I really don’t know what the f*ck happened.” I scrub my hands down my face. The image of Lilly and the look of pain in her eyes feels like a weight against my chest. “All I can think is that Jules somehow got my phone and told her. She also told her that we were getting married, and this was long before I had even agreed to marry her.”
“Dude, what the f*ck?” Nico growls, and I look at him. “So why didn’t Lilly try harder to contact you?”
“She Googled me at some point and saw my wedding announcement. That, coupled with the fact that I had supposedly told her to have an abortion was the final straw.”
“So you have a daughter with Lilly, and what, she finally called you after all these years asking you for support or something?” Nico asks.
I shake my head. “No, I took Jax to Jumping Bean in Nashville and saw her there. When she saw me, she looked surprised, then a little girl came up to her calling her Mommy. The little girl knew exactly who I was when she saw me, and asked me if I was her daddy.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah, her name is Ashlyn Alexandra.”
“F*ck me,” Asher whispers.
“She is beautiful, and could be Jax’s twin,” I continue.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Get to know my daughter…and get my girl back.”
“Dude, the last time that you came to us with a problem, you ended up married to Jules, who, by the way, is a f*cking bitch to end all bitches,” Nico says, standing.
“Look, I am going to bring her to Mom and Dad’s this weekend. You will all see for yourselves the kind of person she is.” Nico shakes his head, walking to the door. He has seen all the damage that Jules as has caused, and how much I’ve had to do in order to protect my son from her insanity.
“You know, I get that you want to get to know your daughter, but dude, no way should you try to get back with your ex. You have enough problems already,” Nico says. I look at Trevor; he is the only one who knows that Lilly was mine. She is my one, and I gave her up thinking I was doing the right thing, Not that I regret for one second what I went through. If I didn’t do what I did, Jax more than likely wouldn’t be here, and I cannot imagine life without him.
“Lilly was my one—is my one,” I state firmly, watching Nico’s face fall. He rubs his forehead.
“F*ck me. I guess I will see you guys this weekend then.” With that, he lifts his chin and is out the door.
“Have you explained what’s going on to Jax?” Trevor asks.
“Yeah, I talked to him about it. Well, I tried; he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on, but he knows that Ashlyn is his sister.”
“This is like a bad soap opera,” Asher says, standing. “But I gotta say that if things work out, I will be happy for you, brother.”
“Thanks,” I say, and he pats me on the back before walking out the door. I look over at Trevor, who is still sitting with his elbows on his knees.
“So…when is she moving in?” He smiles, and I can’t help but smile back.
“Not sure. I hope it will be soon, but it’s a little harder than your or Asher’s situations. We have to think about Jax and Ashlyn.”
“You want some advice?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s something Asher told me when I was starting out with Liz.” My eyebrows draw together.
“Push her,” he says, nodding his head like he just told me where to find a million dollars.
“Push her? That’s your advice?” I ask, shaking my head.
“Yep, if she’s yours, it will work out. Push her into a corner so she doesn’t have a chance to retreat.”
“And Asher gave you this advice?” I do not doubt this, but seriously, what the f*ck does that even mean?
“He did. And it worked, so there you go.” He pats my back shaking his head, leaving me standing in the middle of the barn wondering how the f*ck he and Asher ended up married.
*~*~*
My GPS tells me I have reached my destination, and I look around the apartment complex. I come to realize that they live in an area known as ‘High Row’; the whole areas is infamous for its easy access to drugs…and my daughter and woman are living here. I shake my head when Trevor’s advice comes to mind. After parking, I get out of my truck and slam the door. The doll I got for Ashlyn is in my hand as I walk up the two flights of stairs and knock on their door. I can hear laughter coming from the other side. When the door opens, Lilly takes a step back.
“Sorry, we just got up so were making pancakes,” she says as I close the door behind me. She’s wearing a black tank top that is completely form fitting, and her legs are covered in tight, black spandex. I growl when she turns away from me; her perfect ass is on full display. She might as well be wearing nothing with how much her pants show off. She looks over her shoulder and my eyes fly up; I can’t help but smile at the look on her face.
“It’s no problem.” I shrug, and her eyes narrow slightly. We walk around the corner into the living room/kitchen; the space is small, and most of the items in it have seen better days. Ashlyn is sitting on a barstool stirring a bowl of pancake batter. She is still in her pajamas, her hair is all over the place, and when she sees me she smiles, showing off one little dimple in her right cheek.
“You came!” she says happily, looking at me, then her mom.
“I told you I would.” I smile.
“I know, but...” She pauses, looking back at her mom.
“I told you he would be here,” Lilly reassures her, and Ashlyn shrugs, going back to mixing.
“Is it time to add eggs?” Lilly asks her.
“Yes, can I crack them?”
“How about if Cash helps you crack them while I start the bacon?”
“Okay.” She smiles, and all I can think is how much I love her already. “Is that for me?” she asks, pointing to the doll that’s still in my hand.
“It is,” I tell her, sitting the doll on the counter. “How about if she watches while we make breakfast?”
“Okay,” she says, looking at the doll as I place it on the counter in front of her.
“Here you go.” Lilly hands me three eggs and a bowl. “We don’t want to eat egg shells, so this is easier,” she says quietly before walking back to the fridge, bending over. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from groaning. I haven’t been with anyone since my divorce; I learned a hard lesson when that shit went down. It wouldn’t matter though; even if I had been f*cking everything that walked, Lilly had always done it for me. She is the perfect package of sweet and sexy. Watching her with our daughter is completely different than watching Jules with Jax. When we lived together, I may as well have been a single father. The only time Jules had anything to do with Jax was when it was time to show him off like a new handbag, but the minute he served his purpose, she would hand him back to me. I shake my head and turn, just as I see Lilly’s head come up.
“You ready to do this?” I set down the bowl, hand Ashlyn one egg, watch as she taps it lightly to the countertop, and when she gets it to crack, she lifts it over the bowl. Both of her small hands wrap around the egg and her hands squeeze, crushing it. I laugh, looking at the bowl that is now full of shells and egg.
“I did it!” She smiles, and it’s just like her mom’s, bright and blinding.
“You did.” I nod, handing her another egg. She follows the same steps two more times; I take the bowl away from her, along with one of the egg shells so that I can fish all the broken pieces out of the bowl. I feel the weight hit my chest and look up to see Lilly watching us. She’s smiling, but she also looks sad. I reach over, running my finger down her arm; she shakes her head, looks away and puts more bacon into the pan.
“Now we hab to mix it.” I finish removing the shells and hand her the eggs so she can dump them into the mixing bowl.
“Here.” Lilly hands me a measuring cup full of milk, and I dump it in while Ashlyn stirs.
“Where are the pans?” I ask Lilly, my hand at her waist. I feel her shiver as my fingers flex against her.
“What?” She looks over her shoulder at me and I spread my fingers out, putting slight pressure on her waist. “What are you doing?” she asks.
“Asking where the pans are.” I smile when she gives a slight growl, stepping out of my grasp.
“Does your wife know you’re here?” She covers her mouth, looking over at Ashlyn who is not paying any attention to what we’re doing; she is still happily stirring the batter.
“My wife?” My fists clench. She clears her throat.
“Never mind. The pans are next to the sink.” I grab her hand, forcing her to follow me. We’re going to get this shit settled right now. “Now what are you doing?”
“We’re going to get a few things straight.” I turn her so her back is against the wall, and she presses against my chest, trying to shove me away. Her size compared to mine makes it impossible.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she asks, and I press into her. We’re just around the corner from where Ashlyn is sitting. If I lean back, I can see her.
I put my mouth near her ear so I don’t have to talk too loudly. “I am not f*cking married.” I press my hips into hers. “I was married. It didn’t last long. I hated my wife. I hated the reasons why I had to marry her. I missed you every day, but I do not regret marrying her because I have my son now.” Her eyes search mine; she crosses her arms over her chest. I pull her arms apart, putting them up above her head.
“Stop,” she cries, wiggling and trying to get free. Her breathing speeds up, her eyes drop to my mouth, and just like that, it’s on. My body presses the length of hers, and keeping her hands above her head, I attack her mouth. I lick her bottom lip and her mouth opens under mine. My tongue touches hers and I coax hers into my mouth then suck hard, making her moan. She pulls back, biting my lip. I drop her hands and fist her hair, forcing her head one way and tilt mine the other. I missed this; I forgot how much I loved kissing her, and she could f*cking kiss like no other. I pull back, laying my forehead on hers, trying to catch my breath and calm the hard-on that is making my jeans way too tight.
“I'm going to make you fall in love with me again,” I tell her without thinking.
“What?” she asks as I press my mouth to hers one more time, not answering her question. I step away, walking back into the kitchen to finish making breakfast.
I look over at Lilly, who is standing on the other side of the counter. “This weekend we will be going to my mom and dad’s for a bar-b-que.” I run my hand down Ashlyn’s hair then look at Lilly. “I will come pick you up with Jax, and we can head over there together.”
“Um,” she mumbles, looking confused. Her lips are swollen and her cheeks are a light pink. Trevor’s words come back to me again. I don’t know if he is right, but I guess we will find out.
“You should pack a bag and we should have a sleepover this weekend,” I say, making Lilly’s eyes grow wide.
“Yay, sleep over!” Ashlyn claps, making me smile and bend over to kiss the top of her head.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Lilly states, crossing her arms over her chest, showing off the curves of her breasts.
“Well, if we’re going to go to the zoo Saturday morning, it will be easier if we all sleep in the same place. I mean, Jax and I could stay here, but you don’t have as many rooms as I do.” I shrug like it’s no big deal either way.
“Were going to the zoo?” Ashlyn whispers, looking at her mom. Lilly’s eyes fly to hers, and her face completely changes. “Can we, really?” Ashlyn asks.
“Sure, we can go.” Lilly takes a step over towards Ashlyn, looking into the bowl. “Is that all ready?”
“Yep.” Ashlyn smiles, and Lilly kisses her forehead before taking the bowl away from her and setting it close to the stove. She goes about pulling out a pan and heating it up, while I talk to Ashlyn about the zoo and what she would like to see. Every chance I get, I touch Lilly, making sure she knows I haven’t forgotten about her. She doesn’t say anything, and I can see the wheels in her head turning. When breakfast is done, we sit down around the small table to eat.
“Where is Jax?” Ashlyn asks, taking a bite of her pancakes.
“He’s with my mom—your grandma.”
“Will I see him tomorrow?”
“No, you won’t see him until the weekend.” I look between Ashlyn and Lilly, coming to a decision. “Unless we come over tomorrow and take you ladies out for pizza?”
“Yay, pizza!” Ashlyn yells, and I laugh. I look up at Lilly, who doesn’t look very happy.
“Go get dressed, love bug,” Lilly says. Ashlyn scoots off the chair, and then heads down the hall to her room. Once she is out of sight, Lilly turns on me. “Look, I am happy you want to be a part of Ashlyn’s life, but that doesn’t include me, okay? I mean, we haven’t been a we for a long time.” She stands, picking up her plate.
“That’s going to change.” She turns to face me; the pain in her eyes is so raw that my gut clenches.
“I trusted you. I loved you. You destroyed me. If I hadn’t had Ashlyn, who knows what would have happened.”
“I know. I destroyed myself when I left you. I didn’t know what else to do. Jax’s mom was threatening to have an abortion. I always wanted you. I missed you every day, but I did what I had to do to protect my son. Wouldn’t you do whatever is necessary to protect Ashlyn?”
“Yes.” I could see tears spring to her eyes.
“You have been the only woman besides my family who I have ever loved. I never wanted to hurt you, Lilly, and I will find a way to prove to you that things are different this time. But we will work this out. You are my one. I gave you up once, but that will never happen again.” I pull her into me, holding her close. She is stiff for a second before her body relaxes.
“Why can’t I hate you?” Her words are quiet, and I can hardly make them out.
I whisper into her ear before kissing her under it, “Because I am your one, too.”