“Why don’t you go for a day at the spa. I’ll take care of the children.”
“Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Why don’t you go for a day at the spa. I’ll take care of the children.”
Maybe I judged stereo guy too quickly. I mean he’s just trying to help me. He wants what’s best for me, and what’s best for me is Jenny’s vagina.
“I’m not changing that diaper. I don’t even know if the kid’s mine.”
“I’m not changing that diaper. I don’t even know if the kid’s mine.”
“You fell for it again, douchebag! It’s like you’re not even trying. Why am I wasting my time on you?”
“Dammit! Stop giving me trick questions! You want me to fail, don’t you? I hate you, stereo guy!”
“Don’t get angry at me. My wife still gives it up every day. You’re the one with the problem.”
“I don’t have a problem! YOU have a problem! You live inside a fucking stereo! You’re stupid and your voice is stupid!”
“I’m in your house now. I know where you live and I can see you. Don’t make me angry.”
“Oh no you DIDN’T just say that to me, you piece of shit!”
I get up from the couch and run over to the stereo, pulling it off of the shelf and dropping it to the floor. “Ha! Try helping my self now, asshole!”
“I can still hear you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” I scream as I turn around in circles in the middle of the living room with my arms stretched out from my sides.
I run over to the plastic CD case I threw on the floor earlier and pick it up, checking the back for information about the guy who recorded it. I will not let him terrorize me!
“Oh, ho, ho, Dr. Earl Michaelson! What kind of a British name is that? Wait, Duke of Earl, wasn’t he British? Is this the Duke of Earl? Is the Duke of Earl threatening me? I know who you are and where YOU live now! You messed with the wrong man, Duke of Earl!”
I’m going to call this guy and I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Big talk from a little Duke, stereo man!”
I pull out my cell phone and look up this guy’s information on Google. Oh, Google, how I love thee. A phone number for the whole world to call. Don’t mind if I do. I dial the number and wait for someone to answer.
“Is the Duke of Earl there? I don’t know, like the song. ‘Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Earl, Earl. Shut up! I have a GREAT singing voice!”
I pull the phone away from my ear when I hear the dial tone.
“Stupid Duke of Earl. You need to hire better help to answer your phones,” I mutter as I hit redial.
“Yes, is Doctor Earl there?” I say, making my voice deeper. “I don’t care if he’s with a patient, put him on the damn phone! Don’t you dare hang up on me! Shit!”
I hit redial again, clearing my throat and preparing a different voice. “Is Dr. Earl there? This is his mother,” I say in a high pitched female voice. “Oh, his mother’s dead? Probably because he killed her with his awful advice! Put him on the phone!”
Dial tone again. What is wrong with these people?
“We’re not done with our lesson yet, dickwad.”
“I’m not a dickwad, YOU’RE A DICKWAD!” I yell to the broken stereo on the ground. How the fuck is he still talking to me? This is like the movie ‘Chuckie’. That damn doll just wouldn’t die. How the hell do you kill a CD that won’t die?
I call the number again and try a different tactic. “Yes, this is Punjab from Czechoslovakia. Dr. Earl ordered something from us and I need to speak to him right away. What do you mean Czechoslovakia doesn’t exist anymore? When the fuck did that happen? Wow, 1992, seriously? I probably should have learned that in school, huh. No kidding? But it’s still there, right? It didn’t like, blow up or something? Interesting. No, no message.”
I hang up the phone and realize I was fooled again. Like they would really just get rid of some place called Czechoslovakia. What would they do with all the Checkians? I wasn’t born yesterday, I know when someone is pulling my leg.
Since calling the Duke and telling him off isn’t going to work, I’ll just send him an email. I pull up Gmail on my phone and type in his email address that I found on Google.
Dear Dr. Duke of Earl Dick Fuck,
You are going down, buddy. I will make you pay for this…
~
“Yes, officer. I understand. No, I promise there won’t be any more trouble. Tell Dr. Michaelson and his family we’re very sorry for scaring him. Just send me the bill for his hotel stay.”
Jenny closes our front door and turns around to look at me without saying a word.
“Can I just expl-”