The weekend is finally here and even though it’s been an exhausting week with work, getting up at all hours of the night with Billy and giving Veronica eight baths in the last three days to try and get marker off of her face, I’m excited to go to the charity event that Liz is having. And I’m not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. I’ve never been shy about sex. Ever. But since having Billy, I don’t feel sexy. Most likely from the fact that I get maybe three hours of sleep every night. But still, I think today will be good for Drew and I. The marriage counseling was a bust and the dinner with our neighbors didn’t provide us with any kind of help, so I’m hoping maybe this will do the trick. Maybe it will give me the spark I need to feel sexy and get back on the sex train. I feel bad for Drew. We used to have sex every single day, sometimes two or three times. I know he’s frustrated. I’m frustrated too. I want to want to have sex. I miss sex. I miss sex with him. I’m determined to make today a success even though all I want to do is go back to sleep.
“Okay, you’ve got your traditional rabbit, which has rotating beads and tantalizing bunny ears. According to my chart, it has a one hundred percent success rate of completion within five point three minutes,” Drew states as he looks at a page of the binder in his hand.
We’re in our bedroom with all of my vibrators spread out on the floor. Drew is determined that I win this race today so he has spent all week analyzing vibrators, making flow charts, and running diagnosis tests on them.
“Next, we have your standard silver bullet. It’s simple, straightforward, and could be our ace in the hole. Pun intended. No one would think to use the bullet because it’s so small. But this baby’s got kick, highlighted by my report of a one hundred percent success rate within two point seven minutes. I think we really need to set that one aside as a contender.”
I pick up the silver bullet and set it apart from the rest.
“I’m nervous about this race. Do you really think I have a chance to win?”
Drew closes his binder and squats down next to me at my place sitting on the floor. “Baby, you’ve got this thing in the bag. You could win this thing with your eyes closed and your arms cut off. You just have to believe.”
I nod my head and motion for him to proceed with the binder of stats.
Thirty minutes later, we’ve narrowed down our selection to the top two, which is pretty amazing considering I have no less than thirty-seven vibrators. As we pack up the rainbow of colorful objects and place them back into our suitcase of fun to slide back under our bed, I hear the front door open and close.
“Are you two soldiers ready for action today?” Andrew Senior states from our bedroom doorway.
Once again, he’s offered to babysit for us. I can’t possibly stay angry with him since it seems like this babysitting offer is going to be on the table for a long time to come.
“Affirmative, sir. We are locked and loaded,” Drew states as he pulls me up from the floor and holds up the small, black velvet bag that houses the silver bullet.
“Did you clean your weapon and load it with new batteries? A clean, properly functioning weapon is a happy weapon,” my father-in-law informs us.
“The chambers have been cleaned, the batteries have been replaced, and this soldier here is ready for battle,” Drew says as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.
“Stay smart, keep your head down, and for God’s sakes, don’t be a pansy ass,” Andrew advises me. “The deadliest thing in this world is a soldier and his or her weapon. Respect your weapon and it will respect you, is that clear?”
I nod my head and mumble, “Yes.”
“YES WHAT?!”
“YES, SIR!” I shout, putting my hand up to my head and saluting him.
“At ease, soldier.”
Surprisingly, his pep talk has motivated me and taken away my nerves. I’m going to go into the race and I’m going to win it all. I’m going to show all of those fools how it’s done. I haven’t been an adventurous, sexual person all of my adult life for nothing. This race is mine!
Drew has changed into his motivational shirt that he got just for me. It has a picture of a vibrator on it and the words: My wife is #1 at diddling!
We leave Drew’s dad with a napping Billy and a hyper Veronica since Drew had let her have toast with sugar on it for breakfast. I'm amazed at the amount of cars parked all around downtown by Liz and Claire’s shops. We finally find a parking spot and walk into Liz’s side of the store, which is packed with people checking out her selection of vibrators.
“Look at all these losers trying to pick a winning vibrator at the last minute,” Drew whispers as we squeeze our way through everyone so we can get to the back door and out into the parking lot where the event is being held. “With my analysis reports, this race is all ours. You can’t go into something like this without a toy you’re already familiar with. Do these people know nothing? How do they expect to win a race with a toy they’ve never used before? How do they know they’re even going to mesh with that toy? Total amateurs, I’m telling you.”
I get more and more excited listening to what Drew is telling me. He’s right. I am very familiar with my bullet. We go way back. It’s the first toy I ever bought when I was eighteen. We’ve come a long way since then. This little guy in my pocket has been with me through the good and the bad. He won’t let me down today.
“Hey, guys!” Liz greets us as she rushes over to where we are currently standing next to a food vendor tent. She holds a clipboard in her hand and scans a piece of paper attached to it. “Okay, Jenny, you’re in heat one of the first round. It’s going to take place in the tent next to the beer stand.”
I glance over to the direction she’s pointing and frown.
“Um, that tent is wide open. I kind of thought it would be a little more private,” I tell her, glancing nervously up at Drew.