“HEY!” I yell to a group of guys walking by our picnic table. “LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”
Claire smacks my hand down from making a ‘V’ with two of my fingers. “What the hell are you doing?!”
I scope out the crowd for more people who look willing and able.
“VAGINA!” I shout to a couple walking hand-in-hand to the table next to us. They immediately turn and head in another direction.
“Oh sweet Jesus, she’s lost her mind,” I hear Liz tell Claire. “She thinks something is wrong with her vagina. She tried to get me to look at it the other day.”
There’s a guy all by himself two tables over. I bet he’d appreciate the vagina. This beer is delicious.
“Wait, is that why Jim called Carter and was screaming about his dreams dying and how he never gets what he wants? Carter could barely understand a word he was saying.”
I take a big gulp of my drink and slam the cup down on top of the table.
“HEY! VAGINA!” I yell to the guy by himself at the other table.
He looks at me strangely for a minute and then replies, “Uh, penis?”
“WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!” I cheer, jumping up out of my seat and attempting to do the running man. It doesn’t go so well and I fall flat on my ass.
“Who put the ground so fucking close to my ASS?!” I yell.
“Okay, I think she’s cut off,” Claire says as she gets up from the table and pulls me up by my arms.
“Claire, will you look at my vagina?” I ask her as I put my head on her shoulder.
“What is the deal with you and vagina? Is this your new favorite word or something?” Claire asks as she helps me back to the table.
“Ass fuck, I told you. She thinks something is wrong with her vagina and that’s why she and Drew aren’t having sex or some shit like that,” Liz explains as I move my head from Claire’s shoulder and rest it on top of the table.
“When was the last time you guys had sex?” Claire asks.
“Um, what day is it today?”
“It’s Saturday,” Claire answers.
“Last year.”
Liz grabs the back of my shirt and yanks me up. “The fuck you say?”
I grab my beer and take another drink.
“Well, if we’re talking really good, awesome sex then yes. Before the New Year when I was pregnant with Billy.”
Liz lets out a sigh of relief. “Okay, you had me scared there. I thought you meant an actual year. So we’re just talking a few months then. That’s not THAT big of a deal.”
I stare at her in horror for a few minutes.
“Are you out of your fucking mind? A few months? That’s like ten years in human years,” I complain.
“Actually, that’s like a few months in human years, moron. It would be ten years in dog years,” Liz informs me.
“What the fuck ever! And you were right the first time. It really has been a full year. Since before I got pregnant with Billy. We used to do it like dogs. All dirty and rolling around in the grass and eating out of bowls and using leashes. It was hot,” I say with a sigh as I reminisce.
“This beer is coming right back up. I can feel it,” Claire complains.
“It only got weird that one time Drew lifted his leg in the living room. But it was still awesome. SO WHO WANTS TO LOOK AT MY VAGINA?!”
A bunch of guys walking by all start cheering. One guy even yells back, “Vagina, long live and prosper!”
Liz pulls my arms down to my sides and shushes me from yelling at the group of guys.
“You’re serious, aren’t you? It’s been a whole fucking year?” she asks in shock.
I just nod my head sadly.
“You know what you and Drew need? You two need a night out alone, just the two of you without any kids. When was the last time you guys went out on a date?” Claire asks.
“What day is it?” I ask her.
“It’s still Saturday, asshat.”
I nod and start counting in my head. “Saturday? Then…last year.”
“Oh my fuck! You guys haven’t been out on a date since before Billy was born either? Isn’t he like five months old?” Liz asks.
“No! He’s a month old. Wait, no. Three months old. Shit, what day is it?”
“SATURDAY!” Claire and Liz yell at the same time. The guy sitting by himself at the next table yells back, “VAGINA!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY VAGINA, YOU PERVERT!” I shout back to him.
I turn back around and face the girls. “Okay, so Billy is something like four months old or some shit. It’s Wednesday, right?”
I think my beer has something funny in it. I feel funny. Funny is a funny word.
“Oh sweet mother of fucks,” Liz says with a sigh. “So you and Drew haven’t been on a date in months. You haven’t done anything, just the two of you, in months. Is that correct?”
I nod my head and pick up my cup to find my beer gone.
“Who the fuck drank my beer?”
Liz takes the empty cup out of my hand and chucks it into the garbage can next to our table.
“I need a cigarette. WHO’S GOT A CIGARETTE?!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Don’t judge me. Sometimes I get the urge to smoke when I drink. I think I read somewhere that alcohol causes you to want to do things you shouldn’t, like rob a bank or kill a hooker. Wait, no. I think that’s crack.