Sham
April, 1998
As despicable as it is, I’ve created some kind of weird normalcy out of my revolting life. I exercise early in the morning, have a quick cup of coffee with Kurt, and then call Leo on my way to work to tell him I miss him. Sometimes when I call, I tell him I’m on a business trip so there’s no pressure to see him right away. Trust me, I want to spend every waking minute of every day with him, but it’s just not feasible. Whenever it is possible to see him, we meet at The Marriot after work for a quick drink and some flirting, and then I rush off to a make believe work function when, in reality, I’m getting home just in time for Kurt to force-feed me dinner. Every so often I shake things up a bit and tell Kurt I have to work late so I can surprise Leo at his apartment. But no matter what lie I’m living, all my days end with a long bath (huge fan of those now) or I work on the computer until Kurt falls asleep. Eventually I slip into bed, careful not to wake him, and dream about Leo until I wake up and repeat the viscous cycle. But every so often, before my thoughts turn to Leo, I stare at Kurt in his peaceful slumber and I cry for us.
I remember at one of my very first sessions with Dr. Maria, she mentioned how easy it would be for someone to go nuts if they kept all of their thoughts and true feelings to themselves. And no doubt, I went coo-coo for cocoa puffs by not being authentic with Kurt for so many years. I mean look…being a fake drove me all the way into the arms of a twenty-two-year-old guy! But the multifarious lies I’m telling to Kurt and Leo make my old days of hiding my hatred of sky diving and well balanced meals seem like a walk in the park. I’m seriously going CRAZY! I feel like I need to be strapped to a table and have an intravenous drip of truth serum jammed into my arm to shake me out of my love coma and stop any and all future damage I might cause to these men. A rehab, so to speak.
So yes, at that session, Dr. Maria did an excellent job of rationalizing my one little slip up with Leo when she explained the side effects of not being authentic. But obviously she did it in the context of me working on a relationship with one man, my husband. For pity’s sake, that’s what I told her I wanted to do after all. But I’ve become a pathological liar so that I can work on a relationship with Leo. I know I could easily get snapped out of my love coma if I came clean to either Dr. Maria or my best friends. You know, check myself into rehab. But they would only force me to choose a man and I’m not ready to do that yet. I can’t strap myself to the table!
Desperately needing to share my dirty little secrets, but not with my therapist or my best friends, I confided in Slutty Co-worker. She’s was with me the night I met Leo. The hooker even saw how much fun I was having talking to him and convinced me to keep on doing it! Of course telling her about my life as an adulterer is like a heroin addict consulting a meth addict for guidance, but I had to tell someone about my affair before I exploded. And as a woman who sleeps with married men and makes no qualms about accepting expensive tokens of their appreciation, Slutty Co-worker was completely non-judgmental and totally supportive of my situation. In fact, she said I could use her as an alibi and use her apartment to rendezvous with Leo until I sorted out my life. It’s ironic how I used to think she was a complete whore, but in one conversation she went from being Linda Lovelace to my Mother Theresa. Funny how fast things can change. Slutty Co-worker’s doing the opposite of what those who love me would advise me to do. But like I said, I’m an addict, and right now I’ll use anyone that’ll help me get what I need.
I’m just finishing up listening to a message from Leo when I pull into Dr. Maria’s parking lot. Tonight’s the big therapy session with Kurt… and there he is.
“Hey, babe! So this is where you come to talk about how unhappy you are? Ahhh, stop looking at me like that. I’m kidding!”
I almost feel bad about what I’m about to put him through. That is, until he starts cracking jokes about what a waste of time and money this is gonna be.
Sad Frumpy Lady is sitting in her usual spot but instead of keeping her head buried in her book like she usually does, she lifts it up to get a good look at Kurt. Holy moly, she almost looks delighted.
After we’re beeped in and introductions have been made, Dr. Maria invites us to sit down, but not directly next to each other. She has an L shaped sectional couch that we sit on in the middle, near the part with the crack that forms the actual L, so our knees are almost touching. I’m tense. I’m not sure if I want Kurt here to work on the marriage or if I want him here to understand my reasons for ending it. Until I’m clear on which one, should he even be here at all? I look up at him; he has a big ol’ smile on his face.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Kurt. I’m glad you could join us. As I’m sure you know, Chrissy’s been feeling sad for some time now.”
His hand moves to my knee. It’s a move I would’ve craved seven months ago. Now it bothers me.
“We’ve discussed her sadness in some detail, and…well…seems like a lot of it is about you.”
Smile’s gone.
“Can you tell me why you reacted the way you did to Chrissy’s miscarriage?”
Oh no she didn’t! I DID NOT think she was gonna drop that bomb! Oh my God, he must be so uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable! I can’t bear to watch him stumble through this. I want to save him! Should I save him? No, no, no I can’t. I have to see where this goes. I have to see what Kurt does when he’s forced to feel, or worse…realize he’s incapable.
He clears his throat.
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“Didn’t Chrissy tell you she had a miscarriage in October?”
“She said she did.”
“You don’t believe her?”
“I believe her but…how can we really know for sure?”
“Well, she took a pregnancy test at home and told you it was positive and you never had a baby.”
“Those things can be wrong.”
“Sure they can, but I believe her and she’s not even my wife.”
I think that was meant to shake him up, but it was me who felt the punch in the stomach. After a long look at her notepad and a noticeably irritable shift in her mood, she finally looks up.
“Was the test she took when she was seventeen wrong?”
I can feel Kurt’s eyes fixated on me like I’m in big trouble, so I keep my head down. He answers: his voice, contemptuous.
“No, it was right.”
“But how do you know for sure?”
“Well, she had…” He clears his throat, “an abortion.”
I’ve never heard him say that horrible word before. It sounded like he was speaking a foreign language. Like, as if the word handschuhschneeballwerfer just came flying out of his mouth. Coincidentally, handschuhschneeballwerfer is a word my grandpa used to throw around. It’s German and it means coward. Seems appropriate to use that word at the moment.
“But what made you believe her and drive her to get the abortion?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really? I mean, there has to be something that made that experience different than the one you had in October to have made you act on it.”
Wowza, he looks wayyyyyy pissed right now.
“I don’t know…I guess it’s because she took the pregnancy test at a clinic and the person said it was positive.”
He’s getting awfully shifty over there on that couch.
“What if a technician never administered the test, would Chrissy’s word have been enough or would she have had to drive herself to have the abortion?”
“That’s ridiculous, of course not! I’m not sure what she told you but we got through that ordeal just fine. We’ve been together for twelve years, we got married didn’t we?! I can’t be doing everything wrong.”
“I’m not implying you’re the only reason we’re sitting here today. But I do think Chrissy needs to understand why it’s so hard for you to talk about the miscarriage.”
“I guess I’m someone who needs proof before I get overwrought with happiness or sadness.”
“Kurt, I peed on a stick; a monkey could read the results. What more proof did you need?”
Dr. Maria puts her hand in the air to silence me.
“Let me ask you this, Kurt. If last October, Chrissy took a test in her doctor’s office and the pregnancy was confirmed right in front of you, would that have made the loss of the baby something you would’ve wanted to talk to Chrissy about?”
Kurt’s never been emotionally challenged like this before. I want to save him.
“I don’t see what the point of all this is. It’s in the past, and I don’t think it’s healthy to relive painful experiences over and over again.”
He doesn’t see the point of all of this?! Save yourself.
“It’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to rehash the same tragedy over and over again, but can you tell me what you initially felt? You know, right after Chrissy told you what happened.”
He’s smiling. He’s actually smiling. It’s not a funny smile, and it’s not a disrespectful smile, it’s just a smile meant to inform Dr. Maria that he will not be answering the question. I’ve seen it a million times before, and I’m curious to see how a professional responds to it.
“Okay then. Did you try to talk to Chrissy about the pain she might have been feeling?”
Hold on a minute! HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT HIS PAIN! I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS PAIN!
“No.”
And then he turns to me in his typical fatherly-like fashion.
“But you never tried to talk to me about it, so I let it go just like you did. How am I supposed to know when something bothers you if you don’t tell me?”
He makes me psychotic. My head shakes back and forth, my eyes roll back in my head, and my voice gets lost in my throat. I learned a long time ago to walk away from Kurt when he gets like this because I can’t win, but Dr. Maria nods her head at me to answer him.
“What would’ve been the point of talking to you about that pain when your response to all of my other pain has been ‘stop complaining’ or ‘get over it’? Sorry Kurt, but that miscarriage was the straw that broke the camel’s back of things I tried to talk to you about.”
He completely ignores me and turns to Dr. Maria.
“For the record, I did talk to her about what happened when we were younger. I never felt like it was the right thing to do, and she knew that.”
Excuse me?! Someone hold me back!
“I needed support, not judgment!”
“Hey, I supported your choice! Why do I have to make you feel better about it for the rest of your life? Jesus, what we did was wrong, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. But just like we got over what happened to us eleven years ago, we’ll get over what happened in October.”
“We? We didn’t get over anything. You did!”
Dr. Maria shushes me again with her hand in the air.
“Maybe it’s easy for you to move past things without talking, but your wife can’t. She needs to talk about her heartache and pain, and she needs you to do the same. Doing so will help you both have a more intimate connection. Isn’t that something you want?”
His elbows are resting on his legs and his fingers are like spider webs covering his eyes. It looks like he’s being tortured.
“Something created by the two of you was destroyed…twice. The most healing way to move past that is together. My goal in working with you is to help you feel everything, the good and the bad, together. Are you interested in that?”
“Hold on, I feel! I FEEL like I’ve been made out to be some evil, uncaring husband. Chrissy knows I love her and I don’t like it when she’s sad. But I can only be sad with her for so long. After a while, I don’t see the point in crying over the same thing.”
“How does she know you love her?”
“I tell her.”
“You tell her?”
“Yeah, that’s what I said. I tell her.”
“Would you believe Chrissy loved you if she didn’t eat what you wanted her to eat?”
Holy shit. I wanna crawl under the table.
“What are you talking about?”
“What if she refused to do the recreational activities you ask her to do or wake up as early as you ask her too? Would telling you she loved you be enough for you to feel it?”
Wow, she’s really going for it.
“I don’t do all of that stuff. I don’t make her do anything.”
“Yes, you do, and you make me feel bad if I don’t do it! You compare me to other people, and you constantly remind me that all you ever wanted was an adventurous wife. And if that’s not bad enough, you even criticize the things that I like to do for fun. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, Kurt!”
“Chrissy, let’s give Kurt an opportunity to speak without being attacked.”
What the???? Whose side is she on here?
“Kurt, Chrissy feels like she’s done an awful lot of things for you that are outside of her comfort zone. She did them because she loves you and she wants you to be happy. However, she feels like the relationship has been one-sided in that way. Perhaps you’ve started to notice her reluctance to do things with you that normally she would.”
Surprisingly, he nods his head yes.
“It’s resentment that’s causing the reluctance, and resentment is very dangerous territory in a marriage.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I didn’t think I had to remind her to keep Leo top secret but I also didn’t think she would drop that miscarriage bomb. She’s making me nervous.
“Resentment can lead to all sorts of things…adultery, separation, divorce. So before things potentially get out of control, I suggest you reach across the aisle a little, do some of the things your wife likes to do. To achieve some balance in the relationship, would you consider eating what Chrissy wants to eat or maybe lounge by the side of a pool and do nothing but talk to her for hours? How about sleeping in until noon on the weekends, just for the heck of it?”
Kurt’s chuckling like this is all one big joke.
“This is ridiculous. First of all, I resent the suggestion that divorce is where we’re headed. And second, I made it pretty apparent who I was before we got married and she was okay with all of it then. I don’t know where this is coming from.”
Omigod! I can’t take it anymore!
“No, Kurt! I pretended to be okay with all of it because I wanted you to love me! I was naïve and stupid, but I don’t wanna be those things anymore. And I’m not sixteen anymore, but for some sick reason in this relationship, I still am. I’m a twenty-eight-year- old woman who loves impractical shoes, cocktails on a Saturday afternoon, and coffee late at night, and sometimes all I want for dinner is Cheetos! I love working long hours at the office and sleeping in late on the weekends and NEITHER of those things will make me a bad mother one day. I hate bike riding and camping and water sports and I really hate the stupid outfits you make me wear to do it all. I swear to God if I get one more pair of Gortex socks for Christmas, I’m gonna scream. I want you to buy me something you think I want, not what you want me to want. And sometimes, I want you to do things that I like to do without adding your little sarcastic comments that suck the fun out of it. Do you see where all of this is coming from now!?”
Kurt’s staring at me with dragon nostrils and heavy breathing. He’s f*cking pissed. For a second, I’m scared, but then relief sets in. I’m glad we’re cracking this marriage open. Let’s see what we really have when we’re exposed.
“Are you two okay? Does anyone need a break?”
In unison, “No.”
“Kurt, do you understand what Chrissy’s telling you?”
“Yeah.”
He does?! Shit, now I’m nervous that he’s actually gonna try to do something to make me happy. It’s all I ever wanted until…I met Leo. Now I’m in too deep with him to let any man, even my husband, win over my heart. I screwed Kurt over by making him think I loved the real him, and now I’m screwing him all over again by making him think I ever could.
“Let’s move on a bit, guys. Kurt, what’s your relationship like with your family?”
Boy, if looks could kill.
“Why, did Chrissy tell you they’re evil or something?”
“No, but she mentioned they make her feel confused and a bit scared at times.”
“That’s ridiculous, scared of what?”
“Come on Kurt, please don’t act like you’ve never heard me complain. I’m always put on the defense with those people, and you take their side all the time. I walk away from every encounter with them feeling like I’m going crazy.”
Kurt slowly takes his gaze from me to Dr. Maria, and in a tone that implies I’m somewhat of a lunatic, “Chrissy comes from a very small family. She’s not used to the pandemonium that ensues in large families like mine.”
“Oh yeah, Kurt…what kind of pandemonium was ensuing the day of your college graduation!? Seriously, I gotta know… what was so chaotic that kept all ninety nine people in your family from celebrating your accomplishment?”
He smirks and shakes his head like I’ve lost my mind.
“How’s that funny, Kurt? They shit on you!” Turning to Dr. Maria, “Please tell me how we can have children when he thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to have them around those people and I think it would be child abuse?”
“Your concern is valid, and I’m not neglecting it. But, I’d like to cover a few other things before our time is up so I can give you some recommendations on what to work on before our next meeting. Is that okay?”
No it’s not okay! An answer to that question could be a clear-cut reason to end this marriage. It wouldn’t have to be about my mistakes. It could be about our differences.
“How’s your sex life?”
Oh boy, here we go…
“What sex life? She’s always working or tired.”
“No I’m not. I just don’t want to.”
He’s looking at me like I just shot his dick off.
“Then why do you tell me you’re tired all the time?”
“I’m tired of you telling me what to do. Really Kurt, do you expect me to get on all fours and DO IT after you just got done telling me to take three more bites of chicken? It’d be like having sex with my dad.”
Or like cheating on Leo, but let’s stay focused on today’s agenda.
“Jesus Christ, Chrissy, what’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? Did you hear what I just told you? It’s no wonder I’ve never been able to have an orgasm with you.”
I stand corrected. That’s the look of having your dick shot off.
“That’s a f*cking lie and you know it!”
“Hold on, Kurt.”
Thank God Dr. Maria butted in because I feel like I’m about to open up a twelve-year-old can of whoop ass on this guy.
“A woman has to feel cherished, admired, for her to want intimacy with a man.”
See, admiration! I knew it!
“Let’s start with some effort to address a few of Chrissy’s wants and needs, and we’ll see where the intimacy goes from there.”
Kurt’s screwed and not in the way he wants to be. There’s no way I’m having sex with him and Leo. I might be a lying, cheating, adulterous bitch, but I’m no skank and there will be NO double dipping! But let’s be real, there’s no point in worrying about fighting off Kurt just yet because what are the chances he’s actually gonna try to address my wants and needs?
We wrap up the session with Dr. Maria’s request to see each of us individually for a few months and then we’ll re-group after that. Kurt’s like “whatever,” and I’m like “sounds fine to me.”
I’m glad we drove separate cars to the appointment, because I need a few minutes alone to prepare myself for the war that’s gonna break out when we get home.
“I guess I’ll see you at home, Kurt.”
“Wait, babe. You know…you might’ve been right about some of that stuff in there.”
Whoooooda huh!? Never in a million years did I expect him to say that.
“Do you wanna grab a beer and some of those appetizers you’re always talking about before we go home?”
Apparently the chances of him addressing my needs aren’t as low as I thought.
As I look into the eyes of the man I once thought of as my knight in shining armor, I want to be happy with the little bit of effort he just mustered up. But I’m not. And the joylessness filling my soul helps me to answer all of the questions I had surrounding my motive for bringing Kurt to therapy. I didn’t bring him with me to save the marriage; I brought him with me to end it. I don’t want appetizers. I want my freedom. I’ve been forcing myself, Kurt, and Dr. Maria to believe it was things like eating cupcakes for lunch and sleeping in late on the weekends that would make me happy, but if I choose to settle for things like that…well, that’d make me the handschuhschneeballwerfer. What I want is so much bigger than that stuff. I want an intimate hand on the heart kind of connection with a man, and it’s time to confess to everyone, mostly myself, that I’ll never have it with Kurt.
But freedom’s gonna come with a hefty price…I’ll be called a failure, a cheater, and the bad guy. The big three I never wanted to be. The big three that scare me so much that I’ve considered living an unfulfilling Francesca-like life instead of confronting. But dammit, I don’t want to die feeling obligated, unfulfilled, and heartbroken like she did! Those three things kick the big three’s ass! And so there you have it; the big three are my price for freedom. And the sooner I get over what everyone else thinks of the cost, the better. Only I know my life’s true worth.
At tonight’s therapy session I learned that I don’t want the evening to end with jalapeño poppers and garlic cheese fries. I want it to end with Kurt realizing we’re a hopeless cause. I want him to throw his hands in the air and suggest we go our separate ways because he can’t possibly love me the way I need to be loved. I want him to make this easy for me. But that’ll never happen because no matter how fractured we are, Kurt will never divorce me. You see, when he starts something, he finishes it. No matter if he’s lost for days without water on a remote hiking trail or starving because a bear ate his food two days into a five day expedition, the dude never asks for help and he NEVER gives up. Regardless of how exhausting and completely idiotic his actions might seem, he’s committed to the bitter end of whatever it is he starts…unless, of course, there’s adultery involved. But let’s see if I can end this marriage without being exposed as the devil incarnate. I’m gonna look bad enough already.
Yep, tonight’s therapy session taught me one thing. Ending this marriage will be my responsibility, and staying in it will be my sacrifice. I still don’t know which is more daunting.