Surrender
April, 1998
Leaving the restaurant, I feel proud of my peculiarly productive day. I told Kurt about my therapy, and I finally told my friends how shitty my marriage is. That’s what I call progress! My growth even makes running into Leo’s trampy little friend, Megan, seem less daunting. Man, it’s nice to have a little conviction, a little power, back in my life. I used to have so much conviction when I was younger. In fact, if there was a ‘Most Likely To Exhibit Conviction’ award in high school, I would’ve won it hands down. Whether I was convincing my friends to cut class or sneak into an R-rated movie, nobody did anything with as much fervor as I did. But gradually I let Kurt suck all the conviction outta me and somewhere along the line, I got soft. I didn’t start getting hard again until about three weeks after I met Leo.
I remember I was running late for my morning meeting at work, and I was stuck in a long line at Starbucks. In a move never before attempted by me, I made eye contact with the guy at the front of the line, tapped my watch and bestowed upon him the cutest smile imaginable. I was thinking, what the hell are you doing, Chrissy? But something in me said, just try it, everyone else does. He motioned for me to walk up to him, asked me what I wanted and…not only did I get my latte lickity split, the dude paid for it! I left feeling like the guy got the satisfaction of helping a pretty girl in distress and I got my coffee in a hurry. Not a bad way for either of us to start our day! I immediately took my win-win act on tour. Later that day, I got my toll paid for on the bridge. The following week, I was let out of a speeding ticket and a week after that I got my dinner paid for by a bunch of Japanese business-men. None of it cost me more than a smile or a “Hi how are ya.” Overnight my new motto became-
Take everything that’s offered to you but NEVER accept stuff that makes you feel like a cheap slut.
I cringe thinking back at how much time and money I could’ve saved if I had lived by that motto sooner. FINALLY, at the age of twenty-eight, I’m starting to figure out how to get my needs met and it’s empowering. Today was the start of being true to the people I love in the hopes of getting what I need. It’s up to them to decide if they like it or not.
I feel way too good to go home to potentially feel bad again, so I hop in my car, open up the sun roof, blast the radio, and set out on a drive that peculiarly leads me back to the bar where I met Leo. Once there, I settle into the familiar parking space where he and I spent all of those glorious hours talking on that rainy January night, and I watch as carefree boys and girls go in and out of the place that changed my life. Whenever the door opens, I catch a glimpse of the barstools Leo and I sat on and I envision the two of us on them again. Conviction tells me to make this the first day of the rest of my life and go inside for a celebratory drink to the new and improved Chrissy.
Once inside, I walk towards Leo’s empty bar-stool, and I can almost feel my drug rushing through my veins. Just as I’m about to plop down on it, I see her again…Megan, my nemesis! On the one hand, I’m mortified that I keep running into her in my hometown, but on the other hand, it does give me the perfect excuse to call Leo. Someone needs to tattle on the girl’s ballsy behavior at the restaurant! I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna call Leo! With all the conviction I can muster up, I raise my glass to Megan, slam my drink, and hightail it back to my car to make the call. I’m literally as excited as a crack addict on her last day of court-ordered rehab.
Subconsciously, I knew I’d find a way back to my addiction. I just didn’t know it was gonna be some twenty-one-year-old college girl who paved the way for me. I pause midway through dialing his number. But…what about the fact that he told me not to call him ever again? No! Go away doubt! Seriously, Chrissy, he could make you feel like an idiot for going against his wishes. Maybe you should reconsider. Ah screw that, I bet a million dollars he told Megan not to mention my so-called engagement to a single soul, and a betrayal of his trust is not something he would take lightly. All right, all right, never mind that I’ve betrayed his trust in the most despicable way imaginable by not telling him I’m married. I’ll deprecate myself later. Right now I need to tell him what that awful, awful girl did to me…I mean him.
“Hello.”
Dizziness is setting in. Heaven.
“It’s me, Chrissy.” I’m scared of what might come out of his mouth.
Rejection and disrespect will break me. This was a mistake. Hell.
“Are you okay?”
He still cares. Back in Heaven.
“I’m all right. How are you doing, Leo?”
I’m saying his name… out loud… to him! I don’t want this conversation to end… ever.
“I’ve been better, but I know breaking things off with you was the best thing to do.”
“How do you know?”
“You’re not the right one for me.”
He’s not rude, just his brutally honest self. I brace myself for an ass kicking.
“Who is the right one for you?”
“Someone who’s willing to give me 100% of her heart. I wanted it to be you, but you made your choice, so I’m dealing with it.”
This guy’s got a lot of self-control. Even though I’m fairly certain he wants me, I’m a bad deal for him and that’s why he hung up on me last month. He’ll reject anyone who offers him less than he’s worth. Anyone who makes him feel like a cheap slut. I have nothing but respect for him; it’s my new motto he’s practicing after all.
“Are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“What were you thinking about just then?”
“That you have my heart, but things are just complicated.”
“Let me get this straight. I have your heart but you’re marrying someone else? That makes a lot of sense.”
He’s starting to get angry. I should hang up.
“Look, I did run into a little situation tonight but you know what…it’s my problem. I’m sorry I called.”
“I’m on the phone, tell me what it is.”
He’s super irritated. My drugs are laced with some yucky shit tonight!
“It’s about your friend, Megan. She approached me in the parking lot of a restaurant, just as I was about to meet my friends. Apparently she recognized me from a picture you showed her. I’m sorry though, I shouldn’t have called-”
“Are you f*cking kidding me?”
Kidding that I called to tell him that or kidding that Megan did that? Damn! I don’t know what to say!
“What the hell did she say to you?”
Oh good, it’s the Megan one.
“She asked me why we stopped seeing each other and went on and on about how well you’re doing without me. It could have been a disaster, Leo! My friends were ten feet away! What if I was with my parents or…him?”
“HOLD ON! First, I could give two shits about HIM, so don’t mention HIM to me ever again.”
“I’m sorry, I-”
“And second, I’m not doing well without you, so don’t believe the bullshit she’s spewing.”
He’s not doing well without me! He’s not doing well without me! Why does his heartache give me hope? There should be no hope! And dammit, I think I was even getting close to being sort of okay without the hope, too. They say it takes 21 days to break a bad habit and it’s been about that long since I last spoke to Leo. In fact, just yesterday I was praising myself for getting close to some kind of Leo detox finish line and then I make this call. He says he’s not doing well without me and BAM! I’m back to where I started. Crazy in love and confused. My heart’s pounding, my fists are sweaty, and there’s a fluttering in my lower abdominal region that I haven’t felt since the last time I heard his voice. I need him, and I’m powerless to stop needing him. Yep, last time I checked, that’s called an addiction. But ho ho hooooold on… maybe he’s not the toxic addiction I need to shed. Let’s think about this for a minute. Here’s a guy who adores my dark sense of humor, my psychotic work ethic, my weird appetite, my love of unpractical footwear, my silly dreams, my everything! What Kurt thinks are flaws, Leo considers magnificent. I’ve downplayed, even hidden, so many wonderful things about me because I knew Kurt wouldn’t marry me, he wouldn’t think I was perfect for him. And I thought by doing that, I’d get something really good in the end, like happiness and true love. But all I really ended up getting was a fabulous-looking husband, a killer house and a whole lotta useless sporting gear.
Maybe my true bad habit, my toxic addiction, isn’t Leo at all! Maybe it’s my need to be perfect for Kurt and everyone else. But I’m scared! If I shed my perfection addiction, maybe I’ll find the only reason to stay married is because I made a vow. A vow sure doesn’t seem worth sacrificing my happiness over, and Leo does make me happy… Stop Chrissy! Talk to Dr. Maria about all of this before you do something stupid! Stay focused on the reason why you called.
“Leo, you told me you would keep us a secret. I was afraid of something like this happening and now I’m scared to walk around in my own town and--”
“CHRISSY, I TOLD HER BECAUSE I’M A F*ckING MESS OVER HERE!”
That makes two of us.
“Christ, I barely know you, but I can’t get you outta my head. It’s driving me crazy.”
No, I’m pretty sure I understand.
“I miss talking to you about all the stuff I can’t talk to anyone else about. I miss holding you and smelling your neck. I miss your laugh and your pretty face, and in a weak moment I confided in her. I made her promise not to breathe a word of your engagement to anyone, and I’m pissed that she would walk right up to you and embarrass you like that. Trust me, I would love for that a*shole to find out you cheated on him, but I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. You know that, right?”
God, I hate it when Kurt’s name, in this case it’s “a*shole,” gets dragged into all of this. The only a*shole in this whole mess is me.
“I just know how much you must hate me and then when she mentioned how much time she’s been spending with you and--”
“I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. Jesus, Chrissy, I want to give you everything you told me you wanted the night we met, and it’s tearing me up that you’re making such a stupid mistake by marrying that guy.”
“Leo, stop.”
“No, I’m serious. I don’t think you realize how hard it is to find someone like you, and that guy gets to have all of it. It makes me f*cking crazy.”
Duh, I know it’s hard to find someone like me. Until me, he’s only been shopping the early twenties market, the whole package doesn’t exist there. Chicks in their early twenties would NEVER tell a guy their hopes and dreams, out of fear it’d scare him away. I know because I was one of them. Most guys like ‘em young and dumb, but that’s what makes Leo different from most guys. Stupid appeasing girls annoy him. And on that one January night we crossed paths at a rare moment in time when I was not the appeasing girl everyone else knows me to be. I was the girl I needed to be. I’m sure Leo wanted to get into my pants the night we met, but first he wanted to get into my mind and once he was there, he adored me. That he wanted to get there made me adore him. It’s simple, really. True love is all about adoration! For a relationship to thrive, you’ve got to adore each other’s dreams, personality, shoe selection! And when you’re adored, you’re unstoppable. You’re prettier, funnier… smarter! You become Superwoman!
I feel all of those amazing things and more when Leo is present in my life. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re like, “Give me a break, you just met this guy, and EVERY girl feels all tingly inside when she first meets a cute guy and he compliments her.” You’re saying, “Just wait, those superwoman qualities will fade when the compliments fade!” And you know what? I have to agree with those allegations because I had those initial Superwoman (or since I was just sixteen, we’ll call them Supergirl) qualities when I first met Kurt. But I’m not talking about complimenting each other; I’m talking about sharing dreams with each other and having those dreams mesh. They’re two totally different things and they MIGHT be the difference between a great relationship and a laborious one.
“Leo, can I see you?”
“You’re killing me. Please don’t ask me that. I’m not like most guys who would say yes, sleep with you, and then go on with their lives like it’s no big deal. I want you, but not like that.”
“You can have me.”
Just then I hear the knock at his door.
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you need to answer your door?”
“They’ll go away. What the hell do you mean by saying I can have you?”
“You can have me, Leo. I’m not getting married. I’ve had a lot of time to think these last few weeks, and I know that right now I need you in my life more than I need anything else.”
When I set out to make the phone call, I didn’t plan on telling Leo about a broken engagement, but I had my little adoration epiphany and then he went and made me feel all drugged up by telling me he still wants me. And like a drug addict who lies, cheats and steals to get her fix, I’m doing whatever I have to do to score. I’ll figure out the details of how to manage this lie later. Right now, I need this.
I hear the knock through the phone again.
“Are you serious?”
“As serious as that knock at your door. You should see who it is.” He’s pissed at the interruption, and I can hear him mumble expletives as he marches to the door. His mood shifts when he opens it and finds me standing there. Sometime during the phone call, I changed my direction and drove to his apartment. He grabs my arm, pulls me close, and slams the door. I’ve read about moments like this in books and I’ve seen it on TV and in the movies, but my real life moment of torrid passion is more primal than I ever could’ve imagined. For the first time in my life, my body is acting out on its own, completely separate from my brain and any form of logic or common sense. It must be how men feel most of the time. My keys and purse float away as Leo takes hold of my neck and cradles me to the ground. The smell of his soapy clean skin, the pressure of his mouth on mine, and the brute force he uses to tear off my clothes triggers my addiction and makes me act like an absolute maniac. When I reach down to unzip his pants he pulls my hand up to his heart so I can feel its rapid beat. I try to tug it away to finish what I started, but he yanks it back to the place that houses his true love for me.
Never in my life could I have imagined receiving such a raw and tender gesture from a man. Lost in the haze of his heartbeat, I have no idea how his clothes came off, and I do absolutely nothing to stop him as he slowly pulls his naked body on top of mine. He looks down at me and a tear drops onto my face. Like a woman is supposed to love a man, I love him.
“Please, Leo. I need you.”
Still he waits. He kisses my neck, my ear and my mouth again. My legs are squirming like I’m a fish out of water, and I can feel the rug burn on my back from having traveled half way across his living room floor with him on top of me.
“I’m not scared anymore, Leo. I want this. Please.”
I hear him murmur “Oh my, God,” and it tells me this means just as much to him as it does to me. I feel no guilt that Kurt’s at home, possibly wondering where I am and at long last no sadness that he’s probably not even wondering about me at all. My inner voice that’s been muzzled for so long is singing and it’s telling me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s ironic that I’m a married woman about to commit the ultimate sin and this is the closest I’ve come in my entire life to believing in God.
“Once this happens, I’m not letting you out of my life.” I look deep into his eyes and slowly nod.
“I’m serious, Chrissy, I’m telling my friends and family about you. There’s no more hiding. Can you handle that?”
“Yes.”
I just made it official. I’m a twenty-eight-year-old married woman with a twenty-two- year-old boyfriend who lives twenty minutes from a husband who he doesn’t know exists. That God I started believing in a few minutes ago is sending me straight to Hell.
When you look at me I start to blush and all that I can see is you and us…
I wanna be in love with only you
(Blush, Plumb)