Surviving
May, 1998
The day after the bowling alley shit show, I only had one message from Leo.
“We need to talk.”
I knew I was in trouble, so I didn’t call him back.
Nothing for three days and then, “It’s total bullshit that I can never reach you.”
Yep, I’m in big trouble!
Then nothing until the message I received today.
“I was mad. Now I’m worried. Call me today or I’m gonna wander the streets of Danville calling out your name. Someone will tell me where I can find you.”
Time to make the call.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“That took long enough.”
“I’m sorry, Leo. I have so much going on right now. We’re getting ready to launch a new line and I’ve been working non-stop.”
“Right, so I guess it’s a good thing you were able to take a break from all the chaos at the office and bowl a few games.”
Uh-oh.
“So Megan told you she saw me?”
“You knew she would. Who’s the guy?”
“Hey, I thought you told her never to call you again.”
“Don’t change the subject. Who’s the guy?”
“Kurt.” Silence.
“Leo, we’re breaking things off slowly. We have lots of friends together, and we’re still settling things with the house and cars and…”
“You guys own the house together?”
“Well, yeah. I assumed you knew that.”
“This is f*cking ridiculous, Chrissy. End it with him now.”
“It’s not that easy. We have history and I want this break up to be as amicable as possible.”
“Are you saying you wanna be friends with him!?”
“How can I make you understand any of this?”
You know…without telling you the truth!
“You can’t, and I’m getting sick of you trying to make me.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying this is bullshit. For months you’ve gone in and out of my life. You go days without calling me and you NEVER pick up the phone when I call you. I always have to wait for a call back. What’s up with that?”
“That’s totally not true!” It’s totally true.
“Bullshit! Tell me Chrissy…why do I always have to wait for a call back?”
“Dammit Leo, can’t you just try to put yourself in my position for one minute?”
“No.”
“Then we’re gonna have a problem because I can’t cut Kurt out of my life, not right now.”
Finally some truth.
“Honestly, I don’t know what my relationship with him will look like in the future. But right now, I can’t imagine not knowing him, and I hope you can live with that.”
Wow, another truth. I’m on a roll.
“I won’t live with that.”
“So that’s it then? I have to cut off all communication with him in order to have a relationship with you?”
“That’s what I’m saying. Look, settle the stuff with the house but when that’s over, I don’t want him hanging around. He had his chance and he blew it. Why the f*ck should he have the privilege of still knowing you?”
Given the lying and cheating, I hardly think anyone would consider it a privilege to know me let alone be married to me. But I cannot fathom never talking to Kurt ever again. Every memorable experience I’ve had in the last twelve years has been with that man. If he goes, will my memories have to go with him? Will over a decade of my life become taboo to talk about? Will Kurt have to be dead to me? Worse, will I have to be dead to him?! My God, I can’t have any of that. There has to be a way for me to have my wedding cake and eat it too.
“Leo, I love that you want me all to yourself and if I were you, I would be demanding the same thing. But, I really need you to give me time to handle this my way. If I told you anything else, I’d be lying to you.”
And a lot more than I already have.
“Don’t talk to me about him ever again. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Don’t do anything with him ever again. Okay?”
Gulp. “Okay.”
“Give me your phone number, Chrissy. The real one, not some voicemail account.”
“What are you talking about? It is real! It’s my work cell phone, so I don’t always answer it.”
“Then give me your personal cell number.”
As if things weren’t complicated enough, I give him my real cell number, hang up, and then promptly turn off my phone.
If Leo and I met under honest circumstances, there would be no need for demands. I’d give him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. That’s what adoration gets you.
And self-deprecation is what adultery gets you. I hate myself for manipulating how much Leo cares about me by keeping the most important thing about me a secret. But there’s no way he can ever know I’m married because, if he did, all of his love for me would turn to hate. The guy HATES liars, he said it himself! For that reason, I’m eventually gonna have to disappear from Leo’s life. The thought of that makes me sick, but not quite as sick as when I plop down on the waiting room chair across from Sad Frumpy Lady who’s wearing the same damn outfit she wore two weeks ago and the week before that and the week before that.
“Come on back, hun.”
I’ve been looking forward to this session. Kurt’s solo appointment was earlier today and I’m eager to hear how it went.
“Tell me, Chrissy, how were things with Kurt after the session we had together?”
I bet she asked him the same question and she’s gonna see how my answer stacks up to his.
“So-so. He took me out to a dinner that consisted mostly of food he hates and he didn’t scoff when I ordered three beers. Oh, and he apologized for not coming to my defense with his family as often as he should’ve and that was nice. I appreciated all the effort, but to be honest with you, those things didn’t make me feel good.”
“How did it feel?”
“Like he was pretending to be someone he’s not, just like I did for all those years. Eventually, he’ll get sick of it and he’ll go back to how he was before. Or, and this is doubtful, he’ll continue to do things he doesn’t like just to make me happy and he’ll end up feeling like I do now, and that can’t be good. How did he say it went when you met with him earlier today?”
“He didn’t show up.”
“What are you talking about?!”
I came here today to tell Dr. Maria about wanting freedom…to get help with an exit strategy. But this news totally blows me off course. This news blows. Period.
“Not even a call to cancel. Do you think he forgot?”
Kurt just took a big crap on the life preserver I threw out to him.
He just rejected my sadness. He just rejected my anger. He just flat out rejected me.
“I don’t think so. We talked about it last night. Gee, something must have come up at work. I’m so sorry he didn’t call to cancel.”
“Chrissy, you’ve got to stop making excuses and apologizing for that man. He’s a big boy and just like he was conscious of missing many significant events in your life, he’s conscious of his decision not to come to therapy today.”
The rejection that Kurt just punched me in the stomach with and Dr. Maria’s claim that he’s fully aware of this punch and the million before it, made me crumble on her couch. Through my jagged breaths and runny nose, I say what I should’ve said a long time ago.
“But…if…I…stop…making excuses… .I’ll have…to…admit…the truth.”
“What do you think that truth is?”
“That…I…married a man…who doesn’t…love me.”
After a few minutes of nose blowing and mascara mopping, Dr. Maria tenderly looks at me and says, “Actually, I disagree. I believe he loves you more than anything in the whole world.”
Oh, great. Is she crazy now, too?
“Then why would he reject me like this?”
“I don’t think he’s rejecting you; I think he’s rejecting any type of self-examination that may expose his imperfections.”
“But nobody’s perfect. What’s there to fear about learning about yourself and maybe becoming a better person?”
“I didn’t get a chance to spend much time with him but my guess is that he’s the type of person who’s incapable of tolerating the pain that goes with self-examination.”
“Why? I mean, he’s such a tough guy with all of his extreme sports and what not. He basically risks his life every time he leaves the house. How can it be any more demanding for him to risk his heart?”
“Oh, it’s much more demanding. The pain of a broken heart is a million times worse than a broken arm.”
I should know that better than anyone.
“In Kurt’s subconscious mind, the pain of self-examination far outweighs the benefit. Let’s take his family for instance. He’s come to believe the way his family operates, the way he was raised, is in good health and, if I’m to take you at your word, it was not. You even said he reprimands you for pointing out their imperfections and hurtful actions. Well, it’s quite common for someone who thinks they’re perfect or someone who thinks life is perfect to lash out at anyone who admonishes those beliefs. For you to be right about his family or for me to question them is too risky for him. It would break his heart and he won’t allow it. He feels safe where he is.”
“Can’t he see how toxic they are?”
“Chrissy, your realities are so very different. Whether he realizes it or not, he probably didn’t come to therapy this afternoon because he knew I would question things he thinks are perfectly fine and his instinct would be to get defensive. You’ve permitted him to react that way, but he knows it would be inappropriate to lash out at someone he hardly knows. Doing so would make your reasons for coming to therapy legitimate and he’s afraid of that. Even if he were to surprisingly acknowledge the imperfections of his family, it would open the floodgates to all the other imperfections that may exist in his life and I just don’t think he can do that.”
“So he’d choose them over me?”
“He’s not even aware of there being a choice, that would be indicative of an imperfect situation and he just can’t go there.”
“So what’s someone like me supposed to do in a situation like this? Keep on going crazy!?”
“It’s probably not what you want to hear, but if you stay with him, you’ll have to try to accept the relationship he has with his family. You’ll also have to accept that he struggles with feeling misery in the face of tragedies like miscarriages and such. And Chrissy, you’ll have to accept that he’ll always choose to see the good in things, even when they might not be so good to you.”
“Right…keep on going crazy.”
“I can see why you’d feel that way. Feeling confused… or crazy… are normal responses to the dynamics going on in your relationship. I remember, in a prior session, you mentioned feeling confused by Kurt very early on in your relationship, and confusion can go one of two ways. You can make it go away by getting away from whatever it is that’s causing it or it can turn into revulsion if you stay attached to it. Since you stayed with Kurt without correcting the things that caused you so much confusion, my bet is that it turned into revulsion right around the time of the miscarriage. And I think revulsion is what ultimately led to certain behaviors that once seemed outlandish and inappropriate to you, like cheating. I’m not saying Kurt’s a bad person who deserved what he got; I’m saying nothing about your reaction to his behavior is abnormal and unhealthy.”
Somewhat amused by her claim, “I’m not healthy at all. I’m a liar and a cheater.”
“Actually, admitting you are those things is what makes you healthy. Hunny, facing the facts about things is always better than ignoring them. Feeling emotions, both good and bad is a healthier way to live. It allows for healthier relationships.”
“Like how facing the facts about my mom changed my relationship with her?”
“Exactly. Your acceptance of her limitations is what allows you to have a satisfying relationship with her now.”
“True, but I’m able to have a relationship with my mom because I don’t expect anything from her. But I do expect a lot from a husband. Accepting Kurt just the way he is won’t make my relationship with him better! I have needs! Look at what not getting them met did!”
“Okay then. But you have to understand that you play a key role in getting what you need. You have to stop caving into his control and his emotional neglect. You have to fight for what you want. And what you want will either be there or it won’t, but the only way you’ll know for sure is if you stop letting him get away with everything that makes you feel crazy and start asserting yourself. You definitely haven’t been helping your cause.”
“Because I cheated on him?”
“No, because you stopped fighting for your right to feel, to dream, to be happy with him! You gave up!”
“I didn’t give up! I brought him to you. You were supposed to teach him how to let me be me.”
“I can’t force him to do anything, Chrissy. I mean look, he didn’t show up today did he? I’m sorry, hunny, but whether or not you want it, you’re the one in control of this relationship, not Kurt, not me.”
And what’s a person who’s afraid of taking control do?
“Sometimes I think it would be easier to give him an ultimatum.”
“What kind of ultimatum?”
“Like, go to therapy or I’m divorcing you. But I can’t really do that can I? He has no clue we’re anywhere near that sort of line.”
“But aren’t you? You barely talk, you don’t sleep together, you obviously resent the hell out of him…”
“And, yet, he’s fine…life’s perfect for him. How can Kurt be so unaware of the line?”
Our marriage has been in shambles since October and yet…he’s fine. Dr. Maria’s right. Why on earth would he sit on this couch and listen to someone tell him everything’s not fine? He won’t. Perhaps taking the cowardly approach and giving him an ultimatum is a way out of the marriage. I won’t have to be the sacrificial lamb and it will allow me to keep my adultery a secret. I certainly deserve the humiliation of it becoming public knowledge, but he doesn’t. An ultimatum might be the only way to protect us both.
“Chrissy, this might hurt, but it’s very important for you to hear if you’re going to dangle divorce in his face. If you two split up, you’re the one who’s going to be a mess, but Kurt will appear to be okay. He’ll always find a way to be fine.”
“But I don’t want him to be fine without me. Just for once I’d like to feel what it’s like to have him miss me.”
“Are you willing to not be fine with him, to prevent the heartache of seeing him be fine without you?”
“That’s a horrible question.”
“Answer it.”
“I want the best for both of us.”
“Right now, it’s bad for you and seemingly good for him, right?”
“Right.”
“The only way to make it good for the both of you is to assertively go after what you need from him.”
“But then it might be good for me but bad for him.”
“We’re going in circles here, hun. Look, you thought you were in this office because you committed an indiscretion with another man, but I think you’re in this office because of Kurt’s inability to accept any responsibility for your unhappiness AND because you haven’t forced him to. And I’m sorry to say, your marriage will continue to deteriorate unless…”
“Unless…I decide to aggressively fight for what I need and I get it or I decide to accept he’s incapable of giving me what I need and I leave.”
“Yes, and if the latter happens, you also need to be okay with it. You can’t accept any behavior and not be okay with it. You’ll be back at square one with your problems and you’ll still be unhappy.”
Leaving her office, I think of how weird it is that Kurt’s unhealthy, albeit subconscious, necessity to live in La-La land rivals my own noxious efforts over the years to make it look like we did. We are both f*cked in the head.