Scoop
June, 1998
I thought for sure I would’ve told Dr. Maria about seeing Leo by now and that she would’ve helped me figure out a way to tell Courtney and Kelly about him. But my plan to ask her for advice was derailed at my last therapy session. She actually made me feel semi-healthy and I just didn’t have the heart to prove her otherwise by admitting to an ongoing affair. So I never told her, and I left her office with my little secret. Suffice it to say, I bailed on meeting my friends for lunch two weeks ago. Nicole wasn’t too happy about that. She threatened that if I didn’t meet them this Saturday, she would tell them about Leo, and she would be sure to suck all of the romance out of the relationship and make me look like a herpes-infected slut. She won.
“I thought we were meeting at Faz. What’s up with this place?”
“I thought it would be fun to meet here for a quick drink. Is that all right, Kel?”
“What’s fun about this place? Look, it’s filled with a bunch of twelve-year-olds.”
“They’re in college Kelly, geez, can’t you just try and have some fun?”
“College people, huh? Is this where you met Leo?”
“Thanks Nicole, way to let me handle this on my own.”
Nicole shrugs her shoulders and says, “It needed to be done, my love.”
“What needed to be done? Who’s Leo?”
“Well Courtney… our little Chrissy here has got herself a boyfriend.”
“OKAY, NICOLE, ENOUGH!”
Kelly looks like she just got hit by a truck and the ever so calm
Courtney asks me if Nicole’s joking.
“Sadly, no. It’s true, and sadly yes, this is where I met him.”
An hour and several awful drinks later, I finish telling them everything about Leo. With my hands flailing all about, I yell at the three of them.
“For f*cksake, would one of you say SOMETHING?” Then, in unison they blurt out:
“Tell me you have a good therapist.”
“It’s over, right?”
“Is the sex good? I’m dying to hear about the sex!”
“Yes, Court, I have a good therapist, and yes, Kelly, it’s over. Nicole…you’re a bigger pig than I thought you were.”
I desperately want to tell them the truth: that I’m still seeing Leo, because I need their help strapping myself to the table. I need one of my friends to inject me with some truth serum! But, after seeing the look of total disgust on Kelly’s face, I changed my mind. She can’t handle this.
“The sex, Chrissy! Spill it!”
I’m not sure what stunned me more, Nicole’s question or the punch in the arm Kelly gave her for asking it.
“Jesus Nicole, let’s not disrespect her marriage any more than it already has been. Chrissy screwed up and she’s undoubtedly remorseful. Don’t make her rehash the raunchy details of her mistake.”
“Actually, I’m not as remorseful as you might think, Kelly.”
If looks could kill, hers would. It’s the very reason I didn’t tell any of them about Leo months ago. Their opinion of me matters more than anything in the world.
“Of course I feel like a failure for not being true to Kurt. He doesn’t deserve what I’ve done. But if I didn’t meet Leo that night, I might’ve been stuck in a really bad place for a really long time. Worse, I probably would’ve brought kids into the picture. And, for the record Kelly…nothing about my time spent with Leo could be classified as raunchy. Yeah, I’m beating myself up for so many things, but not so much for my time spent with him. I dunno guys, I feel like he was the jump start on life I needed.”
“Jesus, how would you feel if Kurt did this to you?”
“That’s a funny question, Kel. Okay, it’s not as funny as it is sad really. Kurt never would’ve cheated on me because for the last twelve years I told him every single day how much I loved him and that I’d be lost without him. He got the love that kept him from doing what I did.”
“And you didn’t?”
“No. I was lost all along and didn’t even know it.” None of them look moved by what I’m telling them.
“The bottom line is Kurt’s had security in knowing how appreciated he was in our relationship. But me, I’ve been like a dog begging for attention, and I even pretended to be someone I’m not to get it. Everything about the last twelve years has been a lie, I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. For God sakes, haven’t any of you noticed how much I changed after high school?”
“We just thought you grew up.”
“Yeah, we thought you were happy.”
“Nope, I was a fraud.”
I totally appreciate Nicole and Courtney’s concerned nods. Kelly though, she looks like she needs more convincing that I haven’t lost my mind.
“Geez, Kelly, you gotta give me a break. I didn’t do this because I’m a whore. You have no idea what it’s like to be married to someone who never makes you feel good enough, won’t talk to you about the things that are important to you…makes you feel lazy.”
“Kurt’s a good guy, though. He didn’t do all of that stuff intentionally.”
“I know that. That’s what makes what I did so awful. But, I didn’t plan for it to happen…it just happened.”
“So you had no clue you wanted another man until the very moment this Leo person sat down next to you?”
“Not a clue, Courtney. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Look, I wanted what you guys had, and I created such a false sense of reality that I fooled everyone for the longest time, even me. But reality caught up to me and I’m trying to do the right thing now, whatever the right thing is.”
We finally make our way over to the restaurant, and during dinner I tell them everything I told Dr. Maria a few sessions ago. I tell them about Kurt’s control over my free time, my food choices, my wardrobe, and the tremendous amount of guilt he lays on me when I try to have a say about any of it. I also tell them that he bailed on therapy. They reacted exactly how I thought they would. Nicole believed my every word and while sad for my pain, she told me she was excited for what my future may hold. It was cop-out encouragement. Courtney told me that every marriage has peaks and valleys and that she’ll pray for Kurt and me to get through our troubles as better, more loving people. Whatever the hell that means. And as expected, Kelly said nothing. She grabbed the check to divide it by four and went on and on about getting home before her kid went to sleep. At first I was mad, but she was right to say nothing. What can you say about something you don’t understand? One thing’s for certain though, none of these chicks are gonna strap me to a table and inject me with truth serum anytime soon. What’s going on with me is so much bigger than their ho-hum lives, and they’re gonna make sure their hands stay clean of my mess to keep them as ho-hum as possible. Like I said before, buncha pansies.
“Wait, Kel, I have one more thing to say before you leave. In a lot of ways, I know I’m messing up your lives too. The four of us plus our husbands have shared a lot together. I’m upsetting the balance and I so badly want to apologize for that, but I have to stop taking responsibility for other people’s happiness and concentrate on my own. We were close before our husbands came along and we will be when they’re gone.”
In true Nicole style she adds, “Statistics say that one out of every four marriages ends up in divorce, so I guess we should be thanking Chrissy. It looks like the rest of our marriages are safe!”
Laughing for the first time in a long time, I add, “You know I heard the same statistic about cancer.”
Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me…
Make up your mind
And I’ll promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
(Possum Kingdom, The Toadies)