I take in a deep breath, looking my mother over, hoping, wishing, praying. But it’s a lost cause.
“You know mom,” I say softly, my mouth so dry it hurts. I take her hand again and hold it between both of mine. “I fell in love. Just as you said I would. With Lachlan.” Just saying his name to her makes my lips want to smile. “It was impossible not to. I guess I knew it from the start, but you know me. I refused to believe in that kind of thing…love at first sight, true love, crazy love that consumes you until there’s nothing left in you but love. The kind of love that you and dad had. I always thought it sounded horrible.” I let out a dry laugh. “And in some ways it is, because it’s a disease and it takes over your whole life and every cell in your body. It was like everything I did somehow related to Lachlan. He became my everything and my always. But…I guess even fairy tale love has a dark side. There isn’t always a happily ever after. The prince can seem more like the villain at times but…then again, so can the princess. Maybe that makes them right for each other. I don’t know. But I did love him, mom. I still do. I got to experience it fully. And then I got to lose it too and that was always my greatest fear. Losing that wild, beautiful love, the same love you had for dad. But now…now you’ll be with him again. And I know how happy you’re going to be.”
I raise her hand to my mouth and kiss it softly. “I’ll see you again too, one day. And I’ll tell you all these things all over again. But I’ll make sure I’ll have something good to add.” A single tear rolls down my face and I wipe it away before standing up and giving her hand another squeeze. “I love you.”
I turn and leave the room, heading out into the hall. Paul, Brian and Toshio are staring at me and Toshio immediately gets up to give me a hug, holding me tight. I thought I was out of tears but being in his embrace is enough to bring more out of me.
“Your turn,” I whisper to him. I look over at Paul, at his red eyes and nose. “And then we all say goodbye together. At the very end.”
Paul nods and Toshio pulls away, head down, looking so lost.
“She’s waiting to hear from you,” I tell him, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Just try not to bitch about Sean too much, okay? She has a lot to process from five children already.”
“She’s used to it.” He smiles sadly then walks off into the room.
I sit down beside Brian and Paul and wait.
I sleep curled up in a chair.
Two p.m. rolls around, the twenty-four hour mark. Of course this is something that doesn’t have to follow an exact schedule or timeline. If we tell the nurses we need more time, they will give us more time.
But we’ve all said our goodbyes now.
The time is up.
“Are you okay about this?” I ask Toshio gently as we head into the room with the doctor.
He nods. “She’s not coming back. I know this now.”
I put my arm around him, my head on his shoulder while we stand around the foot of the bed, staring down at her.
We each offer our little goodbyes.
I raise my hand, palm out, and tell her I’ll miss her every day for the rest of my life.
I guess that’s not a little goodbye at all. It’s the biggest one you can ever say.
The nurses go about, gently removing whatever things were keeping her alive. I know that we were told it could take a few hours or even a few days for her to pass away. The doctor had said our mother will go when she’s ready to go, it’s hard to know how long the body will cling to life for. But the heart monitor shows her blood pressure dropping rapidly. Her heart rate slows and slows and slows.
She’s going.
She’d been waiting.
And we’re watching her leave before our eyes.
And just like that, she’s gone.
She’s really gone.
The stillness of death lingers above the room.
“I’m so sorry,” the doctor says and I know she means it.