But she’s not who I want to talk to. Not right now.
I dial Lachlan’s number and while it rings, I calm my heart by trying to figure out what time it is over there. It has to be the evening. God, I hope he’s around, that he still cares for me, that he hasn’t found anyone else, though I know, I know from the intensity of his love, neither of those things seem likely.
When he answers with “Kayla?” I breathe in so sharply it makes me cough. “Kayla is that you?”
“Yes,” I manage to say. “I just…I wanted to talk to you.”
“Alright,” he says in that beautiful brogue of his, deep, warm and silky. I close my eyes, imagining it wrap around me. “I’m so glad you called me.”
“Me too,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I was so mean last time.”
“No, listen,” he says. “I more than deserved it for the horrible way I’ve been.”
“You’re not horrible.”
“Oh, love, you know I can be.”
“But that’s not you. It’s not the you that I know and I should have been more understanding. I didn’t want to end things like we did.”
“I know but you had no choice. You had to go.” He pauses. “How…how is she?”
I let out a little whimper. “We’re pulling her from life support tomorrow. I have to figure out how to say goodbye in the next twenty-four hours.”
He groans softly. “I am so sorry my love. I can’t…if there is anything I can do for you, please, just tell me. I wish I could take all your pain and carry it for you. I’d do anything to help you through this.”
“I know you would. I guess that’s why it hurts even more. Because I could have had you here. I mean, if rugby wasn’t a factor. How…how have your games been?” I ask, trying to switch the topic.
“Good,” he says slowly. “Lost a few, won some more. Kayla…just tell me what you need me to do.”
I need him to be here. But I know he can’t be.
“Do you…do you still love me?” I ask rather bravely.
He sounds breathless at that. “I’ve never stopped loving you. Please. Please believe that. You’re the only way I see the sun.”
My heart swells, the feeling so strange and unaccustomed as of late.
“Then, please keep loving me. I need it. And if I can’t have you here, then I need your love. As cheesy as that sounds, I need it. I need the strength in it.”
“You have it. All of it. All of me.” He pauses. “What hospital are you at? Are the doctors being nice, has she been taken care of well?”
“I’m at UCSF,” I tell him. “And yeah. They’re some of the best. They’ve been doing what they can and they’re very patient. They want what’s best for her just as we all do.”
“That’s good…good,” he says softly. “That means that she’s had the best people looking after her. It’s all you can do Kayla. You’ve done all you can do.”
“And now I have to say goodbye.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I can barely exhale. I get to my feet and stare up at the building, knowing I’m going to be spending the weekend here. I’m not leaving until the very end.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“For what?”
“For picking up the phone.”
“I’ll always pick up the phone when you call. You know this.”
How wonderful it is that it’s the truth.
“I better go,” I say softly.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” I hang up the phone. It feels like all my bravery goes with it.
But even so, through all of this, his words have bought me a little bit of strength.
I slip the phone back in my pocket and head back into the hospital.
***