“No,” she whispers breathlessly. “Lachlan…”
“Aye,” I tell her, reveling in how much stronger I feel for admitting it. “He died and I watched him die before my eyes. Me and my stray dog. We watched him die and I couldn’t do a single thing to help him. I couldn’t even help myself. I just sat there beside him, rocking back and forth, until my high wore off. Then I got up and ran. I just ran away. I don’t remember the next few days, though I’m working through them with my psychologist now, but I knew I made my choice to save my own life. I remember knocking on Jessica and Donald’s door and everything after that. It was the day I realized I only had one life and that’s when I was born all over again.”
She breathes heavily against me and the darkness creeps closer. But I feel no fear over what I’ve told her. The truth has set me free.
“Why are you telling me this?” she finally says, her voice barely audible.
“Because I know what guilt is. And I know what death is. And I’ve finally learned that you should never attach one to the other. Or it will fucking destroy you.” I kiss the top of her head. “I know you’re going to hurt for a long time and you’re going to hate yourself but please. None of this was your fault. Don’t let the guilt tell you otherwise. Grieve for your mother with all your heart but never poison that very heart with shame. There’s no room for it there. Let it go.”
She trails her fingers down my chest but doesn’t say anything.
There’s nothing more for either of us to say.
We just breathe. Our hearts beat.
We cling to this sliver of time until she falls asleep against me.
I hold her in my arms, truth setting me free.
I just hope that same truth can save her heart.
Just as her heart saved me.
***
I decide to stay around for the funeral.
Alan is not happy.
Thierry is not happy.
Edinburgh is not happy.
No one is happy with this decision. It means I’m missing a game. It means I’m in big fucking shit and that I’ve potentially screwed the team over, especially since we’re up against Leeds.
But I’m not about to leave Kayla yet. Not when she still needs me. And she needs me more than anything. I’m there by her side as she navigates funeral arrangements and her brothers and lawyers and wills. I’m there to hold her when she breaks down and she breaks down time and time again. The strain is sometimes too much for me to bear but I handle it all because she can’t.
After my confession over Charlie’s death, we don’t discuss our relationship anymore. She’s said what she needed to say. She doesn’t think she can be with me, even though she loves me, and as much as I want to shake her, to explain that I’ll be there waiting anyway, I know there is no getting through to her. Right now, there is no us. Right now she thinks there never will be. Right now I’m just the arm around her shoulder, holding her tight. She’s walking through a sea of death and the current isn’t letting go of her anytime soon.
I see Bram, Nicola, Linden and Stephanie at the funeral. It’s the only bright spot as of late, even though none of us quite feel like celebrating our reunion. I talk with Bram a bit about his development and how well it’s doing, how Justine’s father has brought in more investments from society folk. He’s forever grateful to me but I can only tell him to maybe shoot some of those investments over my way. I could sure use them for the dogs.
Saying goodbye to them is hard, especially to Bram. Saying goodbye to Kayla’s mother, as the casket is lowered into the ground, is hard.
Saying goodbye to Kayla, probably for the last time, is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.