“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Listen, Mom. Something happened…and I need to talk to you about it. I need your advice.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“Uh, well. You know Lachlan?”
“Yes, of course. How is he?”
“Good…good. Yeah, he’s good. But he’s leaving for Scotland tomorrow. Well actually, he was supposed to leave today but he missed his flight because of the traffic.”
“Oh no.”
“And, well, when he called the airline to book for tomorrow, he kind of booked me a seat on his flight.”
There’s a long pause. “What?”
“He wants me to go with him.”
“And what did you say?” she asks anxiously.
“Well, obviously I told him I’d have to think about it. I’ve got work and I don’t know if they’ll let me take a vacation at the last minute. And then there’s you.”
“Me?”
“I don’t feel good about leaving you, Mom.”
“Oh, good heavens. Kayla. Be serious.”
“I am serious. I know you’re not doing well and—“
“I’m fine.” She cuts me off and her voice sounds stronger than ever. “Don’t you worry about me. You can’t just turn down something amazing because you’re worried about your mother. That’s just nutty talk.”
“I know…but—”
“No. No buts. Do you want to go to Scotland? Do you?”
My nerves buzz with energy. “Yes,” I say thickly.
“Then go. Go into work and get your vacation, and if they don’t let you, then figure out the soonest you can go. I’ve met Lachlan. You shouldn’t let him get away.”
“Okay.”
“Kayla,” she says seriously. “Don’t second guess yourself. This is your track. Get on it and go there. Be with him. You never know what love will bring you.”
But I don’t love him, I want to say. But I don’t say it. Because I know I will. It’s inevitable and I have to stop fighting it.
“Okay. Are you sure you’ll be fine? What if something happens to you?”
She laughs. “Nothing will happen to me. I promise. Please, Kayla. I just want to see you happy, and he makes you happy. Your father would want the same, I know he would. Take a chance and be with him.”
I lick my lips. I tell my mother I will see her as soon as I get back, that I’ll call her as soon as I get to Edinburgh, whenever that is. Then I phone Toshio and Paul, making both of them agree to see her while I’m gone. I don’t have to remind Steph. I know she’s good for it.
So I guess this is it.
This is it.
***
I barely sleep all night. I’m tossing and turning, holding onto my pillow and imagining I’m holding onto Lachlan. I cycle through a million feelings like I would cycle through dreams, and when my alarm goes off in the morning, I feel like the real dream is just beginning.
I don’t even know how I get ready and hold it all together.
I’m brushing my teeth and then suddenly—
BOOM.
I might be brushing my teeth in Scotland.
I’m drinking coffee and—
BOOM.
I might be drinking coffee in Scotland.
I’m imagining Lachlan’s face, open and inquisitive, wanting to hear beautiful things from me and—
BOOM.
I might have that for three wonderful weeks. The idea that I don’t have to say goodbye yet, that in a few hours I could be in his strong, warm arms again makes me feel drunk at eight a.m.
But first I have to go to work. I don’t seem to have many principles, but even I wouldn’t just leave my job like that. I have to throw caution to the wind…cautiously.
I do a last minute tidy-up around the apartment, pretending that I might not see it for a while, then I cram my suitcase into my car and head off to work.
I’m nervous, of course. Scared of what I might do if Lucy says no. I’m scared that those principles I have might be thrown out the window, and then where would that leave me?
Well, at least I’d be on a plane to Scotland.