I took a deep breath.
“I want you to promise me that when you… when you start thinking about a different future… without me…”
His expression changed and his eyes darkened with anger.
“Jesus, Caro! How can you say that to me?”
“No, please! Just tell me first. No, let me finish. We can’t ignore our age difference and one day, when it starts to… change things, I’ll understand. I don’t want us to sink into indifference and dislike. Been there, done that. When you decide to go, just… just give me some notice. That’s all I ask.”
He stared back.
I was glad I’d said it: I’d needed to say it, but Sebastian looked really angry.
“Caro, don’t you understand how I feel about you? I love you: you’re all I want. I want a future with you – I want our lives to be together. I’m not a kid: I’ve had to grow up fast. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time now. And I want to take care of you.”
“I’m just saying that I’ll understand when that changes.”
“Don’t patronize me, Caro,” he said, sounding even angrier. “You think I don’t know what it means to make this commitment, but I do. You think I’m giving up everything and that I’ll regret it later, but you’re wrong. I’ve seen what a bad marriage is like; I’ve seen how miserable my parents have been. But when I’m with you, I feel… so incredibly happy, like the world is worth it after all. I know how rare that is; I’ve seen how rare that is. Don’t dismiss how I feel just because… just because I’m younger than you. You’re beautiful and kind and talented and you have a gift… people are drawn to you – and you don’t even see it. And it’s just one of the things I love about you.”
I sighed, feeling his anguish in every word.
“And what about children, Sebastian?”
He blinked several times.
“What about children?”
“Well, do you really want to be saddled with children when you’re twenty? No, I don’t imagine you do. Well, what about when you’re in your thirties and you like the idea of having a couple of kids running around the house and I’ll be in my late forties and too old.”
He shrugged, trying to look casual but I could tell that he was rattled.
“If you want kids we can have kids.”
I smiled sadly and shook my head.
“It doesn’t work like that, Sebastian: we’d both have to want them – and time isn’t on our side. Do you see what I’m saying?”
“Yes, I see what you’re saying – and I see what you’re doing: you’re trying to think of every reason under the sun why we shouldn’t be together. But none of that matters – if you want to be with me.” He took a deep breath. “Do you, Caro?”
I sighed. I wanted him more than air, but I had to make him think, really think, about what we were doing.
“Sebastian, how long do you think these physical feelings will last? Six months? A year? Two, if we’re lucky. And then what? What about when you make friends at college and you introduce them to your older girlfriend? What about…”