“And…”
“We broke up.”
“When was this? When did you break up with her?”
He shifted uncomfortably beneath me.
“Four months ago.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.
“You went out with her for two years?”
He shook his head. “No, not… about ten months.”
“Oh.”
I stood up and he looked at me helplessly.
“I’m sorry, Caro…”
“No, don’t apologize. I’m just… surprised. I got the impression that you hadn’t…”
“We didn’t sleep together.”
“Why not? Most teenage boys…” the words burned my throat, “most teenage boys would have been desperate to…”
He shifted uncomfortably.
“We were going to – then I heard that she’d been screwing Jack – that guy you met once.” He shook his head. “But I’m glad I didn’t – with her. I didn’t love her. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved: it’s always been you.”
I found it hard to take in. Where did his certainty come from?
“Caro?”
“I’m okay. I’m just… surprised.” There was that word again. “What would you have done if I hadn’t come back?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
But I knew. One day he would have met someone his own age, someone special, and he’d have fallen in love; he’d have had a chance of a normal relationship. And if I hadn’t met him? I’d still be sleepwalking through my life.
But I had come back and we had met again. And I couldn’t go back to the way I was: I didn’t want to.
I held out my hand to him.
“Come on, it’s late. Let’s go to bed.”
We walked up the stairs, hand-in-hand. He stood awkwardly in the doorway while I turned on the small bedside light.
“You want to use the bathroom first?”
“Okay.”
“You can use my toothbrush if you want. The blue one.”
He fidgeted for a few seconds then went into the bathroom. I turned down the sheets, wondering if it would have been better if we’d gone to the guest room. But then again, what difference would that really make?
We swapped over and as I cleaned my teeth with the damp brush, I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror: the face was familiar but that was about all. Everything else had changed.
When I came out Sebastian was sitting on the edge of the bed, still fully dressed.
“By the way, where do your parents think you are tonight?”
He blinked and looked up; clearly his thoughts had been somewhere else entirely.
“They won’t notice I’m not there. They’ve probably passed out drunk again.”
He sneered the words.
“Ches dropped me off at home and I jogged over here: that’s why I was a bit late. I didn’t want him to know where… He’s picking me up at 10.30 AM, so I’ll have to be back by then.” He sighed. “That doesn’t seem very long from now.”
“What if your parents see your room is empty and that your bed hasn’t been slept in?”
I felt a bit panicky at the thought.
Sebastian gave a half-smile. “I didn’t make my bed this morning: if they look in – which they won’t – they’ll just assume they missed me. Honestly, they won’t notice.” He scowled. “They never notice anything about me anyway – except my fucking hair.”
Unconsciously, he ran his hands over his head as he spoke.
“But it got us here, didn’t it,” I said quietly.
He looked at me seriously and nodded slowly. “Are you sorry?”
I shook my head. “No. You make me feel… alive.”
I leaned down and kissed him: a soft, gentle, loving kiss. He responded immediately and passionately, kissing me until we were both breathing hard.
“I… I have to go downstairs,” he said, standing up.
“What? Why?”
“I left the condoms in my jacket pocket,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
“Oh, well, I meant to say something about that.”
He flashed a nervous glance at me.
“I told you I was going to start taking birth control pills – and I did, I have. We don’t need to use condoms anymore.”