She scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, ignoring cracked nails and bleeding knuckles. It’s not going to happen. Mom’s not going to die.
If she didn’t listen to the dark whispers that told her that the worst could happen, that she of all people knew it, maybe everything would be all right. Her mind swirled in circles like her hand did as it cleaned the tiles.
“Natalie,” Blake called.
Her head came up. She shook herself. He was standing outside the door to the shower. She had to crane her neck to see him. His mouth was parted in shock, his eyes wide and unblinking. She’d seen that look before.
“Babe, what’s going on?” he asked, worry woven into his voice.
She couldn’t tell him. She’d promised her mother.
Besides, if she spoke the words, they might come true. She shook her head and pressed her lips together tightly.
He crouched down until he was kneeling beside her, outside the shower stall. “Honey.”
He only called her honey when she was crazy. She focused back on the tiles, caked over with cleaning powder.
“Leave me alone,” she told him with an edge in her voice.
“No. Not until you tell me what happened. Nat, you’re scaring me here.”
The words were like echoes from their past—the past she’d thought they had moved beyond. It was like her life had turned into a broken record that kept playing the same sorry track again and again. She made herself look at him. “I don’t want to talk about it! Go home. I don’t want you here.”
He flinched. “You don’t mean that. What happened? What’s wrong?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” she yelled, making him rock back on his knees. “Leave. Me. Alone.”
“No.”
“I can’t take this anymore! I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I’m tired of bleeding out every time we speak. It doesn’t make anything better. Stop hovering over me, dammit! I’m not a child. You’re suffocating me.” You’re making me feel too much.
His whole face tightened up, and she watched as his hands gripped his thighs. Her head filled again like a mushroom, the cold phantom breathing on her neck.
Your mom is going to die. I’m going to get her. Just like I got Kim.
The darkness started to envelope her. She turned her back on him and dug her hand into the sponge. She started to scrape away the natural brown lines in the grout, but it wouldn’t come out.
A deep gust of brutal, punishing cold blew over her, but she kept on cleaning to stay grounded, to stay warm, to stay sane. When she could take it no more, she hurled the sponge against the wall of the shower and screamed until she was hoarse. She grabbed her hair as her sobs poured forth, mad cries, agonized calls for help.
But no one came to help her.
When she finally stopped crying, she curled into a ball on the shower floor, shivering from the cold. No one had come because she’d finally done the worst thing imaginable.
She’d pushed Blake away for the last time.
Chapter 34
Blake stumbled across the yard to the bridge. When he reached it, he gripped the wood and bent over at the waist, his breaths heaving out.
It the worst kind of déjà vu he’d ever experienced.
Something had happened, and he couldn’t reach her. She wasn’t going to let him. The normal, happy person she’d been lately was like the tile powder she’d strewn all around her. Easy to scrub away. As he stared into the dark woods, he realized she was always going to run away when something terrible happened. Rough times would come again, and when they did, she would choose to stay numb. She would shut him out again.
He kicked the bridge, wanting to tear it down with both hands. The infinity symbols mocked him. She didn’t love herself enough to let him love her in the worst moments of life, which meant they didn’t have the foundation for a happy marriage and never would. Even crafting a dream job in Dare Valley wouldn’t change that.
Touchdown barked, and he turned his head, his vision refocusing. Their dog had followed him. His heart broke because he knew he had a decision to make.
He dashed at his tears and picked him up, pressing him to his chest. She needed their beautiful beagle more than he did. She always had. The dog licked away his tears and nuzzled his face.
“You’ve been…the best dog ever. I’m…” Oh shit, this hurt. This fucking hurt. “I’m going to miss you, but Mommy needs you more right now.”
The pain was spreading, but he kissed the dog and hugged him hard and set him down. “Go.”
Touchdown’s brown eyes stared at him, then he gave a short bark like he understood. After giving him one last rubdown, Blake forced his hands to his sides. The little dog trotted back to Natalie’s.
His next move became clearer. He couldn’t stay here.
Not next door to her. Not after what she’d done.