“Due to how the Army environment ‘trains’ its soldiers, my husband’s tone and words are often harsh, exasperated, negative, or sarcastic. He says his comments are not aimed at me, but it is hard not to take them that way when I listen so closely for words of affirmation.”
I am deeply sympathetic with your question. Because your love language is Words of Affirmation, harsh, critical words will hurt you more deeply than they would hurt someone who has a different love language. My first suggestion is to learn your husband’s primary love language and speak it regularly for two months while making no comments about his harsh words to you. After two months, ask the question, “On a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank?” or “How much love do you feel coming from me?” When he gives you an 8, 9, or 10, then you are in a position to have a positive influence on his behavior.
Now that he feels your love, you are ready to help him understand how deeply his harsh words hurt you. If his primary love language is Quality Time, you say to him, “I hope you know how much I love you. I want to ask you a personal question. If I withdrew from you and ignored you, and stopped spending time with you, and refused to take walks with you, how would you feel?” He may well say, “I would feel extremely unloved by you.” Then you say, “That’s exactly how I feel when you speak harsh, critical words to me. My love language is Words of Affirmation, and when you use words in a negative way, they cut me very deeply and make me feel you don’t love me. I know you use harsh words every day at work, but I’m asking that you please make an effort to speak to me as a wife and not one of your men.”
If his love language is Physical Touch, you would take the same approach and after he assures you he feels loved by you, you would say to him, “I hope you know how much I love you. I want to ask you a personal question. If I stopped reaching out and touching you, if I refused to hold hands with you and drew back when you tried to kiss me and withdrew when you wanted to have sexual intercourse, how would that make you feel?” Once he responds, then you tell him that’s how deeply you hurt when he uses harsh, loud words when speaking to you. You would take the same approach whatever his primary love language is. This approach helps him understand how deeply you feel hurt by his negative, sarcastic, harsh words, and he is very likely to change his behavior.
4. How do we speak our spouse’s love language when our own love tank is empty?
“I am burned out from years of intense deployment cycles. It’s hard to desire to speak my spouse’s love language, when mine is not being spoken. I want to desire to do that again, but I’m just so tired. How do we regain the passion in fulfilling the love language of our husbands?”
I am certain that wives who have gone through numerous deployments can identify with your question. Physically and emotionally, we become drained with all the responsibilities upon us while they are deployed and when we are receiving very little love from our spouses. That is why I have recommended throughout this book that you learn how to speak each other’s love language while you are apart, so you can keep emotional love alive in the relationship. That is the ideal.
However, I know your husband may not even be familiar with the love language concept. My first suggestion is to put a copy of this book in his hands and ask him to read the first chapter and let you know what he thinks of it. Most men who read the first chapter will end up reading the entire book and will find themselves motivated to reach out and communicate love to their wives.
It is always easier to love someone who is loving you. However, someone must start the process. Since you have read this book, and perhaps already know your husband’s love language, my suggestion is that you make a conscious choice to speak his love language at least twice a week for the next three months and see what happens. My prediction is that at the end of the three months, his love tank is getting full and you can make a legitimate request of him. “Do you know what would make me happy?” or “Do you know what I would really like?” and you share with him some expression of your love language that would be meaningful to you. Because he feels loved by you, he is far more likely to respond to your request. I know to take this approach will require you to rise above your emotional, physical, sense of fatigue. But I can assure you it is worth the effort.
5. I’m married to the military. When the government calls, I have to answer. How can my wife and I deal with this issue?