Chapter Eighteen
An hour later, Cooper pulled up in front of his hotel and got out of his Escalade. Kayla’s words had played on repeat in his brain the whole drive, making him wonder if he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life in walking away from her.
Oh, who was he kidding? There was no wondering about it.
He’d made a huge f*cking mistake.
But, hell, she’d caught him off-guard when she’d mentioned wanting more from him. Part of him had been elated, and the other part had been more f*cking terrified than the time he’d faced down an entire band of insurgents with nothing but his rifle and lived to tell about it. The last thing he’d expected from her was her wanting more.
The terrified portion inside of him had obviously won out, and he’d taken full advantage of his fight or flight response by choosing the latter option. It was better this way. He knew it. But she’d looked so broken-hearted.
And damn it, he was, too.
If things had worked out according to their plan, he should have walked away from her feeling sexually satisfied and ready to move on to the next chapter of his life. He should be rejuvenated and ready to go overseas again, knowing that this time, he wouldn’t miss the enemy hiding in the shadows. This time, he wouldn’t fail.
But instead…he felt like utter shit.
After checking in and trudging to his room, Cooper sat on the edge of bed, yanked his collar loose, and flung his coat on the chair by the window. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to miss her already. Though he wasn’t experienced in matters of the heart, he had a sinking suspicion he knew what the aching emptiness inside of him meant.
He wanted more, too.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his cell. He stared at it, spinning it in his fingers as he debated his next move. He couldn’t be impetuous. He had to think things through. Examine all the puzzle pieces before trying to make them all fit. He already knew he couldn’t start something with Kayla and then leave. But there was one option he could take. One where he could be with her and this aching pain would go away.
It was time to call his dad.
His phone felt even heavier than the weight he carried around with him. The one that had dad etched permanently into it. In the month leading up to his interview, his father hadn’t wasted one day trying to shove that damn position down his throat. Every time Cooper mentioned the upcoming interview, his father left the room. He came up with excuses to not have to hear about the opportunity.
Cooper had been certain his father couldn’t stand being in the same room because he was disappointed in him for not staying in the Marines. That he couldn’t stand being around his failure of a son. The same son who’d let his best friend die.
But maybe that hadn’t been the case? Maybe he’d just wanted Cooper to take on his “life’s work,” as Kayla had called it. Maybe it was time they had a heart to heart.
He dialed before he could talk himself out of it, which would have been all too easy. On the second ring, someone picked up. “Hello?”
Cooper took a deep breath. “Hi, Mom. It’s me.”
“Hey!” A smile warmed up her voice. “How’s North Carolina treating you?”
“Great. It’s warmer down here, for sure.”
“That’s good.” She paused. “Though, I guess you’ll be a lot hotter soon. Over in the desert. I saw on the news it was over a hundred degrees yesterday.”
“Well, yeah. It’s definitely a lot hotter there.” He scratched his head, wincing at the memories of the harsh, hot sun. The days he’d spent over there had been hell on Earth. “At night it cools off, though. Sometimes, it’s frigid.”
“But you’re inside then right?”
He massaged his temple, picturing Kayla as she looked this morning, lying in bed and watching him with her bright blue eyes shining. He’d give anything to go back to that moment. Before all hell broke loose. Before he’d walked away. “Yeah, but it’s not like I’m in a hotel or anything. It’s mostly shoddy buildings and temporary housing.”
“O…oh.” She sniffed. “Well, you’ll be safe, right? Promise me you’ll keep safe.”
She sounded so worried about him. For the first time, he felt guilty about that. He’d been so focused on making up for his wrongs, on proving that he could be the Marine he should have been when Josh had died, that he hadn’t seen how it was affecting her.
How it was affecting him, too.
“Yeah, Mom. I promise.” He hesitated, still wondering if this was the best course of action. Deep down, he knew the answer was a resounding yes. “Hey, is Dad around?”
He could practically see her pull the phone away and look at it, as if she doubted her hearing. The last time he’d “talked” with his father, it had ended in shouting and then dead silence. They hadn’t talked since. “Yes, he’s in his library going over ledgers.”
In other words, he was sneaking a cigar behind his mother’s back. It was a running joke, since it was common knowledge that his mom was fully aware of the cigars…but she humored his father anyway. How she managed to pull that off was beyond Cooper. The woman had a stronger sense of smell than a police dog on the scent and everyone knew it.
“Can I talk to him, please?”
“Of course.” He heard her set something down, then open a door. She was probably walking from the living room, down the hallway, then down into his father’s office. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just need to talk to him.” Cooper flopped back on the bed and flexed his arms over his head, stretching his muscles. “Need to straighten a few things out.”
“All right. I’m almost there.” His mom sighed. “But Cooper?”
He tensed. “Yeah?”
“Be gentle with him. It’s always been his dream for you to run Shillings Agency when he retires, so finding out you had other plans hit him hard.” She opened another door. That meant she was almost at the office. “I know he’s been tough on you lately, but he doesn’t mean to be. He’s just…had to readjust his plans.”
“I can see that, now. Being here...” He sat back up and bent over, resting his elbows on his thighs. “It’s opened my eyes some. That’s why it’s time for us to talk again.”
“Really?” She made an excited sound. “He’s proud of you, you know. He’s dying for you to take the reins—figuratively, of course—and that’s all he’s ever wanted.”
“I know.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “But Dad doesn’t need to be handled with kid gloves, you know. He can hold his own in an argument.”
“I know that all too well myself.”
His mom knocked on the office door. He could hear her talking to his father, but it was muffled. Paper rustled, and a window opened. He barely made out something about “Cooper…” and “no cigars…” with a dash of “we’ll talk later.”
After another moment, the phone made a weird noise, and then, “Hello?”
His heart thumped hard. “Hey, Dad.” What was it about his father’s voice that always made him feel like an errant teenager? But tonight he sounded older. Tired, even. “How’s it going?”
“It’s going. I was in here sneaking a smoke, but Mom caught me.” He snorted. “It’s the fifth time in as many weeks. She might skin me this time.”
He grinned. “Sorry. That one was my fault.”
His dad didn’t say anything to that. “So, what’s going on? I assume you’re calling me at almost ten o’clock at night for a reason, and not just to chat?” He cleared his throat. “That isn’t to say I don’t appreciate the call. I do. I hate that we left things where we did.”
Cooper stood up, his heart racing at what he was about to say. “There’s something I need to know. Why do you want me to work with you so bad? When I left the military, I thought you’d be disappointed in me. That you wouldn’t think I was fit for the company anymore. But then you kept suggesting it, and it started to feel the opposite.” Cooper swallowed hard. “It was almost as if you didn’t think I was qualified to get a job anywhere else anymore, so you kept insisting I just take the job with you.”
His father grunted. “It might have felt that way, but I’ve never been disappointed in you over that. As a matter of fact, I’ve never been more proud of you than when you were man enough to admit the military wasn’t for you. I just thought we would start fulfilling your duties at Shillings earlier than planned, but then you said no, and I didn’t know what to do after that. I still don’t know why you’re against the idea of working with me.”
Cooper widened his steps, pacing back and forth in the small hotel room. It was half the size of the one he’d stayed in with Kayla. He stopped walking, just the thought of her name making his chest hurt. “I wasn’t against the idea, per se. I just wanted to earn the position. Get some experience in the field before stepping into the agency simply because we have the same last name. I don’t like taking favors, Dad. If I take a job, it’s because I deserve it. That’s how it has to be.”
“I respect that about you,” his dad said. “I’ve been worried about you, son. Watching your best friend die…that changes a man.”
When the familiar ache pierced his chest, Cooper closed his eyes. The pain had never fully left him since Josh’s death. He didn’t think it ever would. But for the first time ever, the pain wasn’t paired with underlying guilt. Progress. “I’m fine. I’m not good yet, but I’m getting there.”
“No one is good when they come home. Going to war can change a man. It can make you feel lost without a purpose to life. I know it did that to me.” His father paused. “I was lost until I met your mother. Then I started working in private security. But until I had that… I didn’t want you to come home and fall into the same destructive behavior I did. I didn’t want to see you make the same mistakes as me, or get eaten alive by the survivor’s guilt.”
Cooper swallowed hard. “I’m not going to. Coming down here, it changed me. I’m not going to lie.”
“Well, good. But you were already a strong man, son.” His father’s voice warmed. “I’m very proud of you, and proud of all you’ve accomplished. No matter what else you might question about me, don’t ever doubt that again.”
Emotion hit him in the chest, hard and mercilessly. He hadn’t realized, until now, how badly he’d wanted to hear those words. To know, no matter what option he chose, that his father approved of him. “Thanks, Dad. I really…just, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” his dad said, his voice gruff. “You keep safe over there, you hear? I’ll be watching the news at the agency, making sure I don’t see anything happening where you are, but still. Keep safe.”
Cooper sank down on the bed again, clutching the phone so hard it hurt. Kayla had been right. And he’d been so horribly wrong to push her away. He didn’t know if he could fix this mess he’d made with her, but he was going to try.
“So tell me…was it a girl?”
Cooper blinked. “W-What?”
“The change of heart.” His father laughed. “Was it caused by a girl?”
“Yeah,” he said with a chuckle. “It was.”
“Your mother might have a heart attack when she finds out you met someone down there. She’s been trying to find a nice girl up here for you, but something tells me she’ll just be happy you finally found someone.” A lighter flicked. His father was no doubt relighting his cigar. “Will we be meeting her when you come home from your assignment overseas?”
Cooper straightened his shoulders and tightened his fingers on his knee. It was time to go all in or nothing. If he wanted to be with Kayla, and he did, then this was the way it had to be.
All. F*cking. In.
“About that…”