Chapter Sixteen
Kayla flopped over in the middle of the field flat on her back and stared up at the clouds. It was going to rain any second now, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. All day long, she and Cooper had been laughing and having fun.
Yet that happiness was overshadowed by the fact that he was leaving. She wasn’t going to pretend otherwise. She liked him, and she couldn’t help but wonder if they could become something real—more real than stolen moments and a fake relationship—if only they had more time together.
She’d always doubted there was someone out there that would make her want to settle down. To try a traditional relationship. But Cooper had made her reconsider her ways. He’d said he didn’t want to leave a girl behind…but could she change his mind?
And if she could, was she really okay with being that girl left behind?
He lay down beside her. Their heads were side by side, so she rolled hers to the left to face him. He was watching her intently, seeming to be as contemplative as she was. Was he thinking the same thing?
Did he not want to say good-bye, either?
He cupped the back of her head and kissed her, sweet and tender. She let her eyes drift shut, enjoying the moment. He ended it way too soon, pulling back and watching her with his warm green eyes. “We have to be at your parents’ house in an hour.”
“I know.”
Then out of the blue, he asked, “If you could go anywhere at Christmas time—if money was no object—where would you go? Think about it before answering.”
She hesitated. She’d never really thought about it before. Had been too busy visiting family and all that, but if she had the choice? “Why Christmas time?”
“The cities are always all lit up and decorated.” He shrugged. “Seemed as good a time as any.”
“Oh.” She thought on it. “England. I’ve never been there, but Christmas time seems like a good time to go.”
He laughed lightly. “You realize you’d have to fly. Like, I think it’s safe to say you’d have a one hundred percent chance of flying.”
“Nothing is one hundred percent.” She met his eyes. “Like, ever. It’s not a realistic number.”
“I think that is,” he said dryly.
“By the time I actually get to go? Who knows, there could be a new way. Teleporting or something. Or maybe even a good old fashioned ocean liner cruise.” She shot him a grin. “Like I said. Nothing is one hundred percent.”
“You told your dad that you were behind me one hundred percent,” he pointed out.
“Yeah, but I was just playing the part.” She pursed her lips. “What about you? Where would you go?”
He shrugged. “I’d go somewhere warm. The Caribbean, maybe.”
“Mm. That sounds nice, too. Blue water. Warm sand.”
“Indeed,” he said, his voice soft.
They both fell silent. She looked back up at the sky, watching the clouds. She’d swear the one above their heads looked like a heart.
Seriously, a heart.
What the hell had happened to her lately? She pictured her sister from last night, glowing with happiness as Max kissed her on the stage. They looked so happy. So normal. Did she really want that all of a sudden? It seemed too fast. Too much.
Cooper interrupted her thoughts. “What do you see up there? You look really focused on something.”
She sighed. “A heart.”
“Hm. I don’t see it. Maybe if I…” He turned his head to the left, and then to the right. “Nope. I still just see a cloud.”
She smacked him. He dodged out of the way even though he was flat on his back. She’d been caught thinking about her sister’s marriage and seeing hearts in the sky.
Yep. There was something wrong with her.
“They look so happy, don’t they?”
“The clouds?” He stared up at the sky with a wrinkled brow.
“No, my sister and Max.”
“Hmmm. I guess so. People in love usually look happy, though.”
“You think?” She turned to him. “I always thought they looked trapped.”
A laugh escaped him. “Well, maybe some of them feel that way. I bet you have a statistic for that.”
“Of course.” She thought about it. “I’d say about fifty-seven percent are trapped, and forty-three percent are either ignorant of the fact that they feel trapped or genuinely happy.”
He shook his head and then rolled it to the side, studying her. It made her wonder what he saw when he looked at her like that. As if she was a puzzle he couldn’t quite figure out. Which was silly, really. She was easy to read. Too easy.
“I think you’re pretty skeptical.” He reached over his head and caught her hand. “I don’t know what real love feels like, but if it feels as good as laying in an open field with you, it must be pretty f*cking nice.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Why did he say that? He was right, damn it all to hell and back. This did feel good. “What would your mom do if she saw us right now?”
“She wouldn’t believe I was on a football field, holding hands with a woman instead of throwing a ball. Come to think of it, my father wouldn’t believe it, either. He isn’t one for relaxing and enjoying life. He’s always working. Always has a plan. I probably get that from him.”
She pursed her lips. “Tell me more about them.”
“My mom is short but fiery as hell. She could swoop into a football locker room and scare the running back into submission with nothing more than a word.” He snorted. “I’ve seen it happen, so I’m not exaggerating.”
“I think I’d like her.”
“I’m sure you would—and she’d love you, too.”
Kayla wished she could have met her. Cooper knew her family, but she’d never get to meet his. “And your dad?”
“He’s a hard-ass who doesn’t allow any weakness of any sort.” His voice went stiff and so did his body. “He loves me, and I know he does. But as his only son, I’m expected to lead the same life he did. Get married. Have babies. Run a business. Fight a war.” He shrugged. “Anything short of that is a failure in his eyes.”
“Sounds like my dad, but with slightly different goals. They both seem to think they know what is best for us.”
He studied her. “Yeah, I guess they do.”
“He’s got to be happy with your career move now—even if it’s not at the company of his choice.”
“He’s not.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
She shifted slightly so she was more on her side than on her back. “Did you say you leave on Tuesday? I forget.”
“Yeah, Tuesday.” His fingers flexed on hers, and he ran his thumb over the back of her hand. “It’s the right thing to do, you know.”
“You like to be needed, don’t you?”
His thumb stilled. “What do you mean?”
“You like when you’re needed.” She rolled onto her side, watching him closely. He was staring up at the sky. “It’s not a bad thing. You just seem to thrive off of being that guy. It’s why you swooped in and rescued me on that plane, and it’s why you’re still here. I’d bet it’s why you’re going back overseas, too. They need you—and you need them to need you.”
“I…” He cleared his throat. “I guess so. Maybe. I suppose I have a pattern of liking to feel as if I’m accomplishing something. Shit, I don’t know.”
“I do.” She cupped his cheek with her palm, running her thumb over his jaw. “I also know you’re running from shadows that have haunted you since the war, and I know you think you’re not a good man. I’m guessing you lost someone close to you, and you feel you’re to blame. Maybe you even think it’s solely on your shoulders. But you’re one of the best men I know, and I hope you get to stop running soon.”
He sat up and rested his forearms on his knees. “Anyone ever tell you that you read people a little too well?”
“Maybe.”
He ran his hand through his mussed hair. “It’s really ironic, considering you can’t read your own parents.”
She rolled to her feet and looked down at him, struggling to control her temper. “Let’s not do this again, please? Fake relationship. No fighting. We agreed.”
“Yeah, I know we did. I’m done. I just thought we were sharing deep dark secrets or some shit like that. Or was it only me?”
“Cooper…”
“I know.” He stood, too, and dusted off his jeans. “Don’t worry. I know. But before we go back to pretending we didn’t make this thing between us too serious for a minute or two… Kayla?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for this weekend,” he said softly. “Being with you…well, it’s been a long time since I let myself relax. Laugh. It’s been fun.”
Her heart twisted. “No, thank you. You’ve…you restored my hope in men. Hell, humanity in general. You’re a really special person, Cooper Shillings. Don’t you dare forget it after you walk away, when I’m not here to remind you.”
He swallowed hard and nodded. Then he held his hand out for hers. She should tell him that no one was watching so he didn’t have to pretend. But she wanted to hold on to him. She wished she could say that they were still pretending when they did intimate things when no one was watching…
But she couldn’t.
…
Cooper watched Kayla laugh with her parents from across the room. She’d gone to get them both drinks, so he was alone for the first time since they’d talked this afternoon. Opened up.
She knew things about him he hadn’t even realized himself.
He hadn’t said a word to her about losing someone in the war, yet she’d correctly reached that conclusion. What else did she know about him that he didn’t want her to figure out? It’s not as if she needed to be familiar with everything about him in this short-term deal they had going on. After tomorrow, he would walk away from her, and then they would be done.
Over. Finished. Never to speak again. No more communication meant no more pressure about opening up about Josh. About making amends with his father.
She might want to keep in touch via email or some shit like that, but if she asked? He’d tell her no. She didn’t need to be worrying about him—and she didn’t need to be sad if he died. She needed to move on. Laugh. Live. Have fun. Be free. Find new people to quote all of her random statistics to. They needed a clean cut. Fast, hard, and painful. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Then she’d get over it quicker. Over him…if she even needed to get over him in the first place. Maybe he was the only one who had budding feelings that didn’t belong. Maybe he was the only one left wanting more.
It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t get more.
And he was fine with that. F*cking fine.
He couldn’t let her in. Wouldn’t risk losing someone close to him again. Even now, he could close his eyes and see the same f*cking thing happening all over again, as if he was reliving it in real time.
The sweltering hot sun. The nonexistent wind. And the smile on Josh’s face…
Right until it got blown the f*ck off by an IED.
He could even smell the blood and charred flesh of his best friend. Feel the way his heart raced as he sprinted down the hill, trying to get to him. To save him. But he’d been too late.
It had been his fault Josh was dead. Josh and the others. He was the one on lookout, the one supposed to keep them all safe. But he never saw the ambush coming, hadn’t been able to save Josh.
Hadn’t been able to save anyone.
They needed him to do better, and he would. But he wouldn’t do it with a girl at home. His focus would be entirely on the platoon.
“You look awfully pensive for a pre-wedding dinner,” Mr. Moriarity said, sinking down on the couch beside Cooper. He handed off a glass of scotch, then settled back against the pillows with his own drink. “What’s going on?”
Cooper shifted in his seat and straightened his back. Maybe it was old-fashioned, but he couldn’t slouch in front of his elders. “I was just thinking about next week, sir.”
He didn’t know why he told him the truth. He should have lied and said he was admiring the beauty of the moment or some shit like that. But he’d already lied to the man about being in love with his daughter. Wasn’t that enough?
“Your departure?” her father asked, his tone somber.
“Yeah. It’s fast approaching.”
Cooper looked at Kayla. She was laughing with Susan, and her mother watched them both with such love that Cooper wanted to take a picture and shove it under Kayla’s nose. They obviously adored her, and if she just explained she didn’t want a man in her life—that it hurt her when they pressured her to conform to their idea of what her life should be, rather than accepting her for who she is—they would get it. He didn’t doubt that. It might take some time for her family to adjust, but they’d get there.
“You really love her, don’t you?” her dad asked. “I can see it in your eyes.”
Cooper swallowed a sip of whiskey and almost choked on his drink, unsure of what exactly to say to that question. “She’s very special, sir,” he offered.
That, at least, was the truth.
“You’ve got that right.” Her father watched Kayla, a soft smile on his lips. “Are you upset you’re leaving her?”
“Yes, sir. Very much.”
That was true, too.
“A lot of men don’t start relationships before they leave for that reason,” Mr. Moriarity said. “You seem like the type of man who wouldn’t want to put a woman through that. I had breakfast with Frankie this morning, and we were discussing you. I’m sorry about your best friend, by the way.”
Cooper stiffened. “You know about that?”
“I do. I like to know what my daughter has gotten herself into. And I’m not going to apologize for that.” He lifted the glass to his lips and took a gulp. “I like what I see, Cooper. You seem like a good guy, which is why I’m surprised you started up a relationship shortly before leaving.”
“Sir…” He hesitated. “I debated breaking it off, to be honest. I don’t like leaving her behind to worry. Don’t like putting her through that.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’m still not sure I shouldn’t break it off.”
He’d admitted that with a calculated risk. He knew full well that her father might be angry hearing such a thing. But that one little sentence would pave the way when he did leave. She could use that as an excuse for the break-up. It was genius.
So why did he feel as if he wanted to throw up after saying it?
“I think you underestimate Kayla. She can handle it.” He finally looked away from his daughter and turned those blue eyes that were so like Kayla’s on Cooper. “If she loves you, she’ll be fine. I was a cop while she was growing up, and always in danger. She’s used to it. As far as partners go, she might be your best bet. She knows what she’s getting herself into.”
Cooper swallowed hard. He was almost tempted to agree with the man. To say f*ck it, and ask Kayla to wait for him. But that wouldn’t be best for her—it would be best for him. He refused to be selfish when it came to Kayla. She deserved so much more than an internet boyfriend.
“I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of handling the stress, sir,” Cooper managed to say. “But still, I worry about her. I can’t help it.”
Her father nodded. Mr. Moriarity seemed to like this side of Cooper, which was ironic since it was the first time he’d been completely honest with the man. “I know the feeling. I’ve been worrying about her since the moment I first laid eyes on her. She thinks we’re old-fashioned because we want to see her settled down. But that’s not it. I just want to know that if something happened to me, she’d be okay, you know? That someone would take care of her.”
Cooper finished his drink. He knew what her father wanted from him—a promise that he would watch out for his little girl. The problem was, he couldn’t give it.
He’d made up his mind. He was leaving on Tuesday and he’d never see Kayla again. A fake relationship was one thing. A real one… Too complicated.
“I get that, sir.” He stood up and lifted his empty glass. “But for now, I need another drink. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Son?”
Cooper stiffened. “Yes, sir?”
“Just be good to her. That’s all I ask.”
Cooper nodded and walked away. Damn it all to hell, this was getting too serious and too damn real. Her father was asking him to take care of her, and he wanted to.
He really f*cking wanted to.