Chapter Seventeen
Kayla leaned back against the car seat and watched the hotel grow closer and closer. They were almost back, and all she wanted to do was rip off Cooper’s clothes the second they walked into their room. The time was ticking away over their heads, and she knew he felt it, too.
He’d been quiet. Really quiet.
They parked in the lot, but Cooper didn’t move. She eyed him, trying to decide how best to proceed. “Did my dad break you? I knew I shouldn’t have let you talk to him alone.”
He looked at her, as if surprised by her question, then smiled. It looked forced. “No, he was on his best behavior. We just talked about deploying and expectations.”
“I see.” She opened the car door. “You ready to go up and have some real sex in our fake relationship?”
He unbuckled. “Is that really a question?” he teased, but it sounded hollow.
“You tell me, quarterback.”
He opened his door, climbed out, and closed it behind him. By the time she had one foot on the asphalt, he was there. He wrapped an arm around her waist and then closed her door for her. “When it comes to you, I’m pretty much always ready.”
“Sounds promising.” She curled her arms around him, resting her hand right above his hip. “I feel the same way, just so you know.”
“Good to know.”
They pushed through the front entrance, and then made their way to the elevator in silence. By the time they reached their floor, Kayla knew Cooper’s distant behavior wasn’t all in her head. He was tense and silent. The only question was…why?
There was a fifty-fifty chance he was upset because their time was almost up. She knew she was—and she also knew she was willing to turn this fake relationship into a real one. It was scary and exhilarating all at once. The odds were stacked against them.
But she was willing to try, if he was.
He closed the room door behind him and leaned against it. After releasing a deep breath, he met her eyes. “Kayla…” His shoulder muscles bunched and flexed as he dragged his hands down his face. “We need to talk.”
He’d been completely relaxed all those times he’d said he didn’t want a relationship. So if he was this nervous about talking to her it must mean…
Oh God. This was it. He was going to ask to see her again after the wedding.
This was the first time she didn’t want to run in the opposite direction at the thought of a guy uttering those words, and it was thrilling. She’d let him speak first. Maybe he even had some big romantic speech planned, like in the movies—Cooper was good with the big gestures like that. She tried to calm her racing heart and sound casual. “Sure. What’s up?”
“This whole thing between us…it moved really fast.” He pushed off the door and crossed the room until he stood directly in front of her. “We met in an airport, and before the plane landed, I already knew the little sounds you make when you come. Ever since, it’s been a whirlwind of craziness. I think we need to take a step back and reevaluate our plan. I think we need to talk—as much as I hate talking about this shit.”
“I think I know what you’re trying to say, and I agree wholeheartedly.” She grabbed his hands and squeezed them reassuringly. “I’m not going to lie. It’s been on my mind a lot, too.”
He blinked at her. “It has?”
“Yep.” She smiled at him. “I never thought I’d say this in a million years, but here I go. I…I…”
She couldn’t finish. She could feel herself chickening out.
“You can say it.” His voice was hollow, but he didn’t seem upset, by any means. He seemed…relieved. “I’ve been thinking it, too, so it’s a huge relief. You want me to leave, and I think that’s for the best.”
And just like that, the world crashed around her.
“Wait. What?” She dropped his hands, shock ricocheting through her body. “That’s not what I was going to say. You want to leave? Why?”
“What do you mean why? I thought that’s what you were going to say. You said you were thinking the same thing as me…” Then his eyes went wide. “But you obviously weren’t. What were you thinking?”
“Well…” She hesitated. Should she really confess her feelings after he admitted he wanted to leave, for the love of God?
But it was Cooper…
He shifted on his feet. “It can’t be that bad. Just tell me.”
She took a deep breath. There was nothing to be afraid of. The worst case scenario? He said no. She’d be fine. The rejection wouldn’t break her. “All right…I wanted to keep in touch with you after this weekend. I wanted…more.”
She saw his body tense. “What do you mean, keep in touch? You mean as friends?”
“Well, no, not exactly. I mean, maybe at first.” She fumbled over her words. “But I’d like to be…more. Maybe? I don’t know. We could text or email or Face Time. I mean, I know there’s an eighty perfect chance of failure, but if we both worked hard at it—”
“You’re babbling again,” he said, his voice flat. “I don’t understand what you’re asking for.”
“I know. I’m making a mess of this.” She covered her face with her hands. “Forget it. Forget I said anything.”
“It’s too late for that.” She heard him pick something up off of the floor and set it on the bed. Kayla lowered her hands and looked at him. But then she wished she hadn’t. It was his suitcase. “You really want more than what we agreed upon?” He sounded as if he couldn’t believe it.
“I do.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “But something tells me that you don’t. Am I right?”
He laughed harshly. “You’re right.” Suddenly, he looked different. He looked…cold. “I thought we were perfectly clear on where we stood from the first day. Jesus, Kayla, I’m leaving the country in a couple of days. Why the f*ck would you want to start a relationship now, of all times?”
“I know you’re leaving. I’m not an idiot.” She clung to her forearms so tightly it hurt. “And I don’t know what you make me feel. I just know that I feel something. I like you a lot. And I’d like to know you even better.”
Cooper opened the top of his carry-on. “You know how we said this was temporary, and that I could leave at any time if I changed my mind?”
“Yeah. Of course. You want to leave early?” She thought she might throw up at the thought.
“I don’t, but I’m going to anyway.” He was staring at her, but he wasn’t really looking at her. It was as if she wasn’t even there. “I’m not going to the wedding with you, and I’m not going to any more parties. It’s over. We’re done.”
She froze, her heart twisting. “Is it because I want more?”
“Yes.” He threw a shirt in his suitcase. “I told you that I didn’t want a relationship. I told you why. Nothing has changed. I don’t want you to fall for me, and I’m not going to fall for you. I have obligations, and they don’t involve falling in love with a girl I met on a plane.”
She stumbled back from him, trying not to feel betrayed. They’d both known going into this that they were temporary. That the relationship wasn’t real. But he’d said he was going to stay until the wedding, and now he was running. Running from her, even though he’d promised to play the part until the wedding.
She’d thought he meant it. She’d thought she mattered. That had been her first mistake. Her second had been falling for him.
But he didn’t need to know how deep her feelings for him were. They could part ways without him ever realizing the truth. “Then go. I’m not stopping you.”
He dragged a hand through his hair. “Don’t be like that. I’m doing this for you.”
“For me?” She laughed. “Yeah. Okay.”
He flinched. “It’s true. It wouldn’t be right to start something when I leave. For me to hold you to a promise when I’m going to be gone—and maybe even dead. You don’t know what that does to a person. I do. I’ve seen it. You don’t want it, Kayla. And you don’t want me. Trust me.”
“Oh, so the man says I don’t want to worry, huh?” She held her arms out, finally, blessedly, pissed off. He was making decisions for her. Screw that. And screw him. “Well, if the man says so, then it must be true.”
He slammed the lid to his case shut and zipped it up. “Don’t turn this into something it isn’t. I’m not fighting with you about this.”
“Of course you’re not. You already had the argument in your head and ended it before I could say a word.” She gave him what she hoped was a feral smile. “You made the decision for me—what is there to fight about?”
He yanked his suitcase off the bed. “You weren’t there, damn it.”
“For our argument? You’re right. I wasn’t.” She pointed to the door. “Now get the hell out. I thought you were different. I’m sad to say I was wrong.”
He took a step toward her, his hand raised toward her. “Kayla—”
“No. Don’t.” She shook her head and backed up. “Just go. We’ve both said enough.”
She was such an idiot. She’d gotten attached to a guy who had told her from the start he was leaving. He’d said, point blank, that there wasn’t a chance that this fake relationship would go anywhere.
And like a damn fool, she hadn’t believed him.
…
Cooper watched her, trying to find the right words to make her understand he was doing this to save her from unnecessary pain. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do but he was walking away. She would be better off.
And then he could go overseas and focus solely on the job at hand. The job he was committed to doing with no distractions.
So why did he feel so…empty?
“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “You weren’t there when my best friend died in my arms. You didn’t hold him when he drew his last breath. And you sure as f*ck weren’t there to hold his fiancée as she fell apart piece by piece, either. But I was.”
She sank onto the bed, perching on the edge. He finally had her attention. She looked as if she wanted to cry instead of throttle him to death. Not a huge improvement, but it was something. For some reason, it was important to him that she understood why he had to end things between them. She needed to get it, damn it.
“I’m not her,” she murmured.
“I know you’re not.”
“And you’re not him.”
“I might be after I get back over there.”
He half expected for her to point out that he didn’t have to go, that he could stay, backed up with one of her kooky statistics. He was surprised when she didn’t. “I can handle that risk. It doesn’t mean you have to shove me away. Not if you don’t want to.”
“Kayla…”
“It’s true that it’ll be hard,” she said, wringing her hands. “The odds are against us, yes. But if we worked at it and tried to make this real, we could—”
“Be the one in five ‘dead and don’t know it yet’ relationships that survive?” He pulled the handle out of the suitcase and squared his shoulders. “You know that we won’t make it. You told me so earlier in this fake relationship. You’re just in denial.”
She made an angry sound, but she didn’t bother to fight him. How could she? They were her own numbers he’d thrown at her. “You’re not being fair. We don’t know that we wouldn’t have worked.”
“You’re right. And maybe that will haunt me for the rest of my f*cking life, but I’m okay with that.” He set his case in front of the door and then looked at Kayla for what would probably be the last time. Just the thought of it hurt. “You want to know why I’m okay with that? Because I watched Josh die, and then I watched his fiancée die with him. Hell, I even saw a huge part of myself die. I won’t f*cking do that to you.”
“Just stop. Leave,” Kayla whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “Nothing I say will change your mind. So go.”
“You could ask me to stay,” he said, his voice raw. “Why haven’t you asked me to stay?”
“Because that’s not what you need. You need to go, and I understand that about you.” She lifted her chin and looked him squarely in the eye. “I’d just hoped you would understand me better than you do. I wish you’d realize that I know my own mind and I speak my own truth. If I said I would be fine waiting for you to come home, it’s because I meant it.”
He crossed the room and pulled her to her feet. He expected her to fight him. To shove him away. But she didn’t. Instead, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. F*cking tears. “Don’t cry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.” She gripped his forearms. “You wanted to help me. You always want to help people, and I was one of them. I get it. And I’ll get over anything that I’m now feeling.”
He wanted to tell her how much she’d come to mean to him in such a short time, but he couldn’t do it. Instead he brushed his lips across hers, then dropped his hold on her. “I’m so sorry.” He grabbed his bag. “Goodbye, Kayla.”
“Goodbye, Cooper.” She curled her hands into her jacket sleeves. She hadn’t even taken it off yet. Hell, neither had he. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
He left the room and, when he reached the rental, he tossed his suitcase in the back. Then he slipped into the driver’s seat of the Escalade, slid the car into reverse, and glanced over his shoulder at the backseat.
All he could think about was the first time he and Kayla made love there, after their flight to North Carolina. He could practically feel her skin on his. Her soft laughter teased his brain, echoing through the empty car and reminding him of what could have been, if he only stopped running.
But he couldn’t. Not yet.
What the f*ck was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be a normal f*cking guy for once? Live a normal f*cking life with an incredible woman?
He slammed his fist into the wheel. “Son of a bitch.”
This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to feel so empty at losing her. Hell, had he even really had her? Up until tonight, it had all been fun and games. Make believe.
Or had he been fooling himself all along about it being fake?
Taking a deep breath, he dropped his forehead onto the steering wheel and lowered his shaking hands to his lap. Rage, sadness, and frustration flew through his veins at breakneck speed, even though he knew he’d done the right thing.
He had to cut ties with her. It was better this way.
It had to be.