I felt like a lawyer, giving an opening argument to a jury of my peers. Who exactly did I think was going to judge me?
I was twenty-eight, for God’s sake – hardly over the hill. Yet if I carried on like this, I’d be alone for the rest of my days. I’d be lying if I said that spending the next fifty or sixty years or more by myself wasn’t depressing the hell out of me. Yet ‘moving on’ had a hollow ring to it, too. Wasn’t moving on synonymous with giving up? To use one of Vinnie’s favourite expressions, I was all over the place like a madwoman shitting.
Suddenly aware that I was no longer alone, I glanced up to find Maia standing in the doorway.
For a moment – a nano-second, really – I felt that same gravitational pull I’d felt when I’d first met her. It put me on the back foot, just like it did yesterday, and I’m sure it was written all over my face.
“I’m sorry,” she said, backing away. “I didn’t mean to… I’ll leave you to it.”
But for reasons unknown, and despite everything I thought I wanted, I found myself unwilling to let her go.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said quickly, loosening my tie further, my heart pounding. “I just needed some fresh air – this suit is baking me alive. Bloody costume party. He’s thirty, not thirteen.”
She glanced down at my shoes and socks in their haphazard little pile beside me, and smiled. “I thought it was kinda fun. He looks like he’s enjoying himself.”
I looked behind her, towards the café, as the music came filtering out through the open door. He did look like he was having fun. That was good, he deserved it. I should stay. If I left now, he’d worry, and that wasn’t fair. He needed to let his hair down, especially after what happened this morning at the beach.
Maia stood in the doorway, her hands clasped nervously in front of her.
“It’s okay, I won’t bite,” I smiled, trying to put her at ease. God only knew what she must think of me, running out like that. “Grab a pew.”
She glanced behind her for a second, as if unsure, then stepped out into the lane, walking over to join me at the table. It was darker out here, away from the light of the doorway. The warm breeze lifted her hair, sending tendrils fluttering around her face. She tucked them behind her ear as she settled into the chair across from me. Our backs to the wall, staring out at the rickety wooden fence opposite, I was grateful we didn’t have to look each other in the eye.
“I’m sorry for running out like that, that was really rude,” I said, trying my best to relax. Just being in close proximity to her like this was disconcerting, whether we were opposite each other or not. I could feel her looking at me, but I didn’t feel brave enough to do the same. I watched her out of the corner of my eye instead, hoping she wouldn’t notice in the dim light. She sat so still. I was the complete opposite, my leg bouncing with nerves.
“I’m the one who should apologise,” she said. “I got the impression Bridget was bullying you into teaching me how to surf, and I really didn’t want that. I don’t want to be any trouble.”
I was such a bastard. “Look, I promise you it’s not that – at all. I’m sorry if that’s how it looked.”
“It’s okay. I totally get it. I’m a beginner, after all. I gather from Bridget that you’ve been surfing for a while?”
I nodded, glancing over at her briefly before studying the shoes and socks on the ground beside me. Even the dusty gravel beneath my feet was still warm from the sun’s heat. I longed for some cool grass, or the beach. Something to ground me, because it felt like I was out of my depth here.
“When did you first learn? I bet you were just a kid.”
Memories came rushing back and I smiled in the half-light, leaning back in my chair. Although I was staring at the forlorn fence opposite us, what I saw was Dad, the back-yard, the hose, and lots of laughter and advice. Things were easy then. It was a simpler time. Our family was a unit – the four of us, against the world. Before everything came crashing down around our ears.
“I was eight,” I smiled to myself.
“Eight? Wow. That’s younger than I thought.”
“My Dad taught Vinnie and me at the same time. Boogie-boarding to begin with, then we moved on to surfboards. He had the coolest longboard. It was white, with a big red stripe right down the middle. I used to lay it down on the back lawn and practice my pop-ups on it while he squirted me with the hose and tried to put me off.”
I smiled, looking over at her, my courage bolstered by the memories.
“I have no idea what that is, but it sounds very cool,” she smiled back.
“What?”
“Pop-ups. I don’t know what they are.”
“It’s when you go from lying down to standing on the board. Kind of the first thing you learn. It can be tricky at first, but you get the hang of it with a little practice.”
She nodded, and we fell into an awkward silence.
“Why do you want to learn?” I asked, desperate to break it.