I looked up at Alex now, as we filed towards the rocks at the end of the grass path in silence. Alex, as he was five years ago, would’ve been a great uncle. Fun, relaxed, caring. Not now, though. Now, he had that permanent black cloud hovering over him.
Vinnie’s hand on my shoulder brought me back down to earth again. He didn’t have to say anything. He just wanted me to know he was there, right behind me, right where he’d always been. He’d dragged me back from hell more than once. He’d kicked my ass a few times too, when I really needed it. He’d given me his spare room when the ghosts in my own house wouldn’t let me sleep.
We traipsed along the grass track until the only way forward was over the rocks. Henry wasn’t that surefooted, and as Jas put it ‘I can’t even see my feet anymore.’ So we stood where the grass met the rocky foreshore, and watched the sun come up. Me, Bridget, Henry, Vinnie, Jas and Alex.
I draped my arm around Bridget’s shoulders. I could feel her trembling, the grief seeping out of her and into me, mingling with my own until I couldn’t tell the difference. Henry put his arm around her waist and we three stood there, watching the waves. Alex stood alone, hands in the pockets of his jeans. Henry reached out for him, but he ignored him. That was his thing now. He kept everyone at arm’s length.
Vinnie and Jas had their arms around each other. I realised, with a suddenness that jolts you from deep inside, that his birthday would always be entwined with hers, no matter what. Joy always laced with heartache. It wasn’t right, but he had already accepted it with a maturity that still had the capacity to surprise me. I was the one late to the party, too busy wallowing to see it.
From beside me, Bridget recited the Lord’s Prayer in a shaky voice, the only time I’d ever heard anything remotely religious come from her. It’s funny, who or what you turn to in times of great sorrow. If it gave her comfort, I was all for it. She deserved it. I wished I could find something that would do the same for me.
As the sun rose in the sky, like a great golden ball being pushed up from inside the earth, a new day dawned. It seemed to defy gravity. I had the sense that the sun was standing still, and I was falling. The longer I looked at it, the more real it felt. Like an optical illusion, my eyes playing tricks on me.
“Amen,” Bridget murmured.
Alex began to walk away, but Henry called him back. Alex turned to us, his face etched with pain, his blonde, scraggy hair hanging limply around his face. Had he even slept at all last night? He looked worse than I felt.
“Stay,” Bridget begged, reaching out to him.
He shook her off – literally. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with any of us, yet he was here. I presumed it was for her, for Bridget, but he obviously had his limits. It was radiating from him; ‘I’m here, aren’t I?’
It riled me, that attitude, especially after all she’d done for him. I wanted to grab him and shake him until he apologised.
“Why?” he asked sullenly, hands still shoved deep into his pockets, shoulders hunched over. “You wanted me here and I came. It’s over now so I’m going.”
“Come on Alex,” Vinnie said tightly. “Don’t be an asshole. She wants you to stay.”
Alex fixed him with a solid stare that would’ve cut glass. “Who the hell said this had anything to do with you? You’re not even family.”
“Watch it boy,” Henry warned. “They’re practically family and they have every right to be here. Besides which, your mother invited them.”
“The big birthday celebration. Another year without her. Hip hip hooray.” Then he turned to me. My blood turned to ice. “For he’s a jolly good fellow.”
“Back off Alex,” Vinnie snapped.
I could feel the air change around us. It seemed charged with static electricity as he stared at me, through me. His eyes were cold, hard, accusing. I should say something. I should stick up for myself. I should.
“How’d you sleep last night?” he asked me, throwing me off balance. He always made me feel so exposed. “I don’t know how you have the guts to even turn up here, year after bloody year. Don’t you even have a conscience?”
“Alex!”
Bridget was teetering, I could hear it in her voice. I could take this shit from him, but she couldn’t. Besides which, she didn’t deserve this. Maybe I did, but she didn’t.
“You should watch your mouth.”
He sneered at me, as if I was something he had just scraped off the bottom of his shoe. It was hard to believe we used to be friends, especially with the way he looked at me now.
“Should I?” he spat. “Really? Who’s gonna make me? You?”
God, I wanted to smack him. I had to tie my hands to my sides, but in my head, I’d jabbed him in the face once already.
“Alex, it’s time you left,” Henry said, walking over to him and standing directly in front of him. “You’ve said enough.”
“Geez, Pop. One minute she asks me to stay, the next you want me gone. Wish you people would make up your bloody minds.”
“Alex, don’t. Please. Not today,” Bridget pleaded.
I withdrew my arm from around her shoulder, and Vinnie bristled beside me.