Christ almighty.
Em was very much like Vinnie, and in our relationship, we were total opposites. But that had seemed to work fine, just like Vinnie and Jas did. But now she was gone and there was just me. I felt like I was floating sometimes, without her to tether me. It was like she took all the fun, the joy and the laughter with her. Me, on my own, was just sensible, like Jas said. But sensible was damn lonely.
It’d been tough for Jas, after Em disappeared. They’d been like two peas in a pod, from their first day at school. Then Em was gone and she was struggling, as though she was missing a limb. But she was lucky. Vinnie was there and he was patient, and he loved her through all of it. I think, in a way, working through it together was what made them even stronger.
The town was dead and traffic was non-existent. Before long, we were pulling up in my driveway. I looked down at the house, nestled halfway down the hill, behind the mature trees on the front lawn. No light shone in the windows, no-one moved around inside. It was just sitting there in the darkness, shrouded in loneliness. There was something incredibly depressing about coming home to an empty, dark house. It was like a beacon. Look! I’m all alone! I didn’t think I’d ever get used to it.
“So, we’ll pick you up tomorrow morning then?” Jas asked, yanking me out of the pit.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Thanks.”
“Five thirty, okay? I told Bridget we’d meet her there, she’s picking up Henry on the way through.”
“Yeah, that’s sweet. Thanks for the lift.”
“No worries. Got your keys?”
“He doesn’t need babysitting,” Vinnie chuckled as I got out of the car. “Ain’t that right, bro?”
“Ha-ha, yeah, whatever.” I ducked down to see Jas. “Yep, got my keys – see you guys in the morning.”
I made my way down the concrete driveway to the front door. I used the light from the car’s head-lights to jam my key into the lock and flicked on the hall light as the car reversed back out onto the road again. Closing the door behind me, the silence seemed to buzz in my ears, taunting me. After what happened today – meeting Maia, talking with Henry, seeing Alex at the pub – Emily seemed to be everywhere.
I was so drunk, I was wired. My brain was spinning, and I was caught in that dream-like hinterland, halfway between fantasy and reality.
I’d always been able to feel Em in the house. I think I convinced myself that, because all the evidence of her was here, it meant she still was, too. I could feel her all around me, in the furnishings she had chosen, in the photos of us on the wall, in the bathroom, where her toothbrush still sat in the holder by the sink. But lately, it felt like she was fading. Her presence, if you want to call it that, wasn’t as strong as it once was. I told myself it was because I was getting used to her not being here. I didn’t want to think about what that might mean, but I missed her – her presence, the feel of her in the house. It felt emptier now, colder.
She haunted my dreams. That made it sound romantic, like something out of a Bronte novel, but the truth was much less glamorous. I woke up in a cold sweat sometimes. I couldn’t breathe. I could see her face as clearly as if she were standing right in front of me. I tried to avoid the truth for a long time, because I was afraid. But I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I could feel it growing inside of me, gaining momentum.
An overwhelming sense of emptiness, eating away, hollowing me out.
Her memory was fading.
In hindsight, for what felt like a nano-second, everything was perfect. And then she was gone, and I was here. In my own private hell, the dark hallway stretching out in front of me indefinitely.
Standing at the kitchen sink, staring out over the harbour, I could see the two of us, sitting down on the jetty in the moonlight. I felt her warm breath in my ear as she whispered something to me, sending a shiver down my spine now, just as it used to then.
I watched the lights on the bridge twinkle in the darkness, reflected in the water below. It was a million-dollar view, even if the house itself was little more than a basic two-bedroom, white weatherboard cottage. The lawn swept down into the river, with a small jetty just big enough to launch a kayak off, jutting out into the water. The huge Pohutukawa tree in the middle of the lawn threw a giant shadow over the area, illuminated in the moonlight.
It had been our hideaway, our little slice of paradise. Our sanctuary from the world. Perfect. Ours.
But now she was gone, and it was just me. I never felt enough. I felt as if part of me was missing, as if I was waiting for something. Which, of course, I was.
And then there was Maia – showing up, today of all days, out of the blue. I’d never had a reaction like I did when I met her, not even with Em. It scared the shit out of me. I’d always assumed that Em was the love of my life, my soul-mate. We seemed to fit. We understood each other. We had a connection.
So what the hell did this all mean?