She was similar to Em in some ways, but in others, they were very different. Em was brimming with confidence, whereas Maia was less self-assured. Em loved being around people, Maia seemed to shy away from them – me included, sometimes. I could tell when I was getting a little invasive because she’d move away, either physically or mentally. And yet, she would still inch back to me, eventually. I had the feeling she was waging some kind of inner battle. I could definitely relate to that.
I hurried through my last job of the day, intending on stopping by the café as soon as I was cleaned up. I’d ask her how she was feeling, whether she was sore after all our practice on Saturday. I was still insecure enough to need an excuse to see her. I didn’t remember it being this hard with Em. Mind you, Em had enough confidence for both of us. I was out of my depth here, that was for certain.
I went over the potential conversation in my head while I showered and changed. I was counting on Bridget to be there – she would be a chaperone, albeit an oblivious one. I prepped like the planner I was, the whole time barely a hair’s breadth away from abandoning the whole idea and collapsing on the couch with a beer and my brittle self-respect.
I drove into town and parked the truck near the delivery lane. Town was still busy and the heat seemed to hit me from two directions, both from the sun and reflected up off the concrete. People were everywhere, even on a Monday. Tourists swelled the town’s population by double or even triple at this time of year, and it was hellishly annoying at times. Still, I bet Bridget wasn’t complaining. The café seemed to be thriving.
As I walked barefoot along the back lane and approached the open back door of the café kitchen, I heard Bridget laughing – a deep, throaty chuckle I hadn’t heard in a while.
“I didn’t think I’d ever get the hang of it, but I did. And if I can do it, you can.”
“Is that a promise? Because it feels like my body’s just laughing at me – like ‘yeah, right, you want me to do what?’”
“Have a little patience, love – you’ll get it, you just need to practice.”
“Heath says the same thing, but I still feel like a complete amateur. I’ve never felt so uncoordinated in my life!”
I got a peculiar rush of pleasure, just hearing her say my name, and I paused just outside the door.
“Stop being so hard on yourself,” Bridget said. “It’s just a matter of training your body to respond – and that comes with – “
“Practice. Yeah, I know.”
Plates rattled against each other.
“Let’s have coffee and a muffin before you head off – it’s been a busy one today, I think we deserve it.”
“I won’t argue with that, thanks.”
There was a pause, and I thought I’d use it to announce my presence and get in on the coffee and muffin thing, but before I could, Maia spoke again.
“When I was at Heath’s on Saturday, he told me about your daughter. I saw the photos on his wall.”
My heart raced as the conversation came flooding back. I had no idea what she thought about the whole thing, but I didn’t move. I was hoping to gain a little insight, and the fact that I was eavesdropping didn’t bother me as much as it probably should’ve. Bridget, as usual, handled it beautifully.
“You look very much like her, don’t you think?”
“Very much. It explains why you looked at me so strangely the first day I came in here.”
“Did I? I honestly thought I hid that pretty well. You gave me quite a scare at first.”
“I can imagine.”
“He told me what happened to her. I’m so sorry. It must be very hard on you – on all of you.”
“It was. It still is, in a lot of ways. It’s the not knowing, that’s what makes it so difficult to bear. Some days are worse than others.”
The ache in her voice was clear. Christmas. Em’s birthday. The anniversary. I could almost read her mind.
“He told me it was her birthday on Friday. I’m so sorry. I just arrived in the middle of it all didn’t I? Completely oblivious.”
“It’s alright, love. You didn’t know, and life goes on, right? I still miss her, every day. But we can’t put our lives on hold, waiting for news. We have to move on. It doesn’t mean we’re giving up, it just means we’ve got to find a way to live with it, somehow. It’s all we can do, really.”
I leaned back against the wall outside the door and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. She was right, and I couldn’t help but feel that it was a kind of validation. Despite my mental assurances that I wasn’t doing anything wrong by spending time with Maia, I still felt like I was, somehow. I’d been holding on so tightly to Em all these years, that letting go of that rope, even just a little bit, left me feeling vulnerable and anxious. I wanted to move on, but the actual doing of it, that was another matter entirely. I felt as if I was on a cliff edge, getting ready to jump, and I was scared to death.
I could hear them moving around in the kitchen but the conversation seemed to lull, so I poked my head in the door before I lost my nerve completely.
“Knock knock.”
Bridget whirled around. “Oh! You gave me a fright! Come in, love. We were just about to have a coffee and a muffin. Can you stay and join us?”