“She obviously thought it all through,” Landon contradicted. “You are the one who isn’t thinking.”
"I'm going after her!" I yelled and shoved Landon in the chest. Without even seeing him move or understanding what had happened, I was face first on the floor of the storage room with Landon's knee at the back of my neck. I felt the cold metal against my temple.
"I don't teach my students all of my tricks, Bastian. Don't forget that. I warned you about her, but you weren't interested in listening. I’m not going to have one of my fighters going after Franks' niece and her fiancé. Go home."
"I have to talk to her!" I yelled from my supine position.
"If she wanted anything to do with you, she’d be here now," Landon said. "I know you were stupid enough to fall for her bullshit, but it’s time to smarten yourself up now.”
I tried to twist out of his grip but was completely immobilized. Part of me tried to memorize just how he was holding me down so I could use it in the future. The rest of me wanted to end it now.
"Just fucking shoot me then!" I screamed at him.
"No," he said. "That bitch isn't costing me a fighter. I need you in the arena in six days."
"Fine!” I growled. “That sounds like the perfect opportunity!"
"Bastian." It was the cold, deadly voice. It was the ‘don't fucking move, and give me your attention’ voice. It was the voice of complete, murderous rage. "If you don't win your next three tournaments, I swear I will find that bitch myself and kill her and the baby. Are we clear?"
“You wouldn’t,” I said softly, hoping against hope he wouldn’t really do that, but knowing in my dying heart there would be no hesitation on his part.
“Seriously?” He laughed, but there was nothing funny about it. “In a heartbeat. I wouldn’t even bother washing the blood out of my shirt until I got home.”
"I love her."
"I know,” he said, removing his knee from my neck and allowing me to stand. “You'll hate her soon enough.”
"Landon was right," I told Raine. "I was in hell for a while, but it really didn't take that long to hate her. Still, I wanted to know something about where she went, what happened to her and the baby, but no one would tell me.”
"You have a child," Raine said, half statement, half question.
"Yeah, I guess so. As far as I know, anyway. He or she would be almost five now."
“Bastian, I’m so sorry,” Raine said, reaching out to rest her hand on my knee. I shrugged off her comment.
"So, like I said in the short version," I said with a completely unconvincing smile, "she didn't love me back."
"I think there's a little more to it than unrequited love," Raine said. She was angry; I could hear it in her voice. "She used you."
"Yeah, I guess." I realized I was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. “When I thought back on all of it, I knew it had all been a set-up. She had planned for me to catch her in the act the other two times, so she would be able to convince me to fuck her without a condom. I never did that again – not with anyone – and I made sure even if one of them broke or something, nothing like this could ever happen again.”
“How did you do that?”
“I got a vasectomy.”
“Oh my God,” Raine whispered. I glanced to her eyes and saw the tears coming. I didn’t want her to cry, but I figured I needed to get this over and done with as quickly as possible.
"What she did to me hurt too much," I said. "I'm not sure I could love anyone again after that, which is why whatever it is that’s going on here…well, I just don’t know if I can deal with it. Even if I could, you shouldn’t have to."
“What do you mean by that?” she asked.
“Don’t you see, Raine?” I looked over to her and stared. “Jillian showed me what should have been obvious all along. Why would anyone want someone like me for a husband or a father? My blood parents deserted me, no foster home wanted me around, and I was a professional killer, for Christ’s sake! I wasn’t good enough for her, and she made that abundantly clear! And now some…some…”
The words got stuck pushing against the insides of my chest and throat. I finally managed to shove them through, but it physically hurt to do so.
“Some other guy has my family. My kid and the woman who was supposed to be my wife are being loved by another man. I wasn’t good enough. I’m not good enough…don’t you see that, Raine? I wasn’t ever going to be good enough for them, and I’m never going to be good enough for you!”
I wasn’t even sure how Raine managed to pull me against her chest and lay me down. All I know was that I was suddenly sobbing with her arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me tightly. I could hear her voice in my ear and feel her warm breath flowing through my hair.