“Not good enough,” I mumbled against her. “Don’t touch me…you shouldn’t touch me…”
Despite the words I heard coming from my mouth, I made no move to push her away, and Raine didn’t let me go. I don’t know how long she held me while I cried for the family that should have been mine. If only I had been worthy of such a gift, but I wasn’t and I was never going to be. I would never father another child, and I would never be deserving of a woman’s love. How could I have expected Jillian to love me when obviously my own mother had not? How could I have thought I might have been a suitable husband and father to anyone? I was a brutal, inebriated killer and nothing more. I should end up alone – it was fitting and just.
I didn’t know if I actually calmed down, but I did get even more tired, and I stopped shaking in Raine’s arms. I started thinking about how completely ridiculous I was – crying over this shit as if I hadn’t brought it all on myself.
Raine spoke, bringing me out of my self-deprecating thoughts.
"That's when you started drinking, isn't it?"
"Kind of," I admitted. "That was the beginning, but I got much worse after my last fight."
"What happened then?"
That was the day I watched sixteen people get slaughtered.
“I don’t think I can do any more right now,” I said. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about her father at this point. I had said far too much as it was, and I was starting to feel like I was going to pass out from the emotional exhaustion.
“I don’t blame you,” Raine said. I was about to ask her what she meant, but she went on without prompting. “I think if someone had done that to me, I would have ended up buried in a bottle as well.”
“No one would do that to you,” I said, the very idea making me see red. If someone hurt her like Jillian had hurt me…well, I’d make it my life’s mission to tear the fucker apart. Slowly. “If anyone did, I’d fuck them up.”
“Bastian?”
“Yeah?”
“It doesn’t change anything,” Raine said.
“What doesn’t change anything?”
“What she did to you,” Raine clarified. “What you did afterwards – it doesn’t make any difference.”
“It doesn’t make any difference?”
“I still feel the same about you,” Raine said. “What she did wasn’t your fault.”
“I wasn’t worth it,” I reminded her. “I wasn’t good enough for…”
“Bullshit.”
I had to glance up at her face because it was about the second time I had heard her swear. Her eyes were narrowed, and she glared down at me.
“I was stupid,” I reminded her. “I can’t let myself be that stupid again.”
“Trusting her may have been ill-advised,” Raine agreed, “but caring about someone, even someone who you realize later doesn’t deserve it, isn’t stupid.”
“It sure as hell wasn’t smart,” I argued.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Raine repeated, making each word sharp and clear. “You didn’t deserve to have that happen to you, and I’m not going to think less of you for it. I’ve told you before, but I guess I need to say it again – I’ve seen you, Bastian. I know who you really are behind that armor-plated shield of yours. Now that I understand some of the whys, I only know I want to be there for you more than ever.”
“I’m not good enough for you, Raine,” I said softly, earnestly begging her with my eyes to believe me because if she didn’t, I wasn’t going to be strong enough to stay away from her. I wanted her too much now.
“I think I’m the one who gets to decide that,” Raine said. She raised an eyebrow at me and then leaned down to place a firm kiss against my lips.
“You should decide to tell me to fuck off,” I told her. “It’s your best option.”
Raine gave me half of a sad smile and then slowly shook her head. Both her hands came up and grasped the sides of my face before she reached for me again, her lips meeting mine and pressing against me slowly. She broke away and leaned her forehead against mine, staring directly into my eyes with those beautiful, deep brown irises that made me want to drown in a sea of chocolate.
“Will you try to let me in, Bastian?” Raine asked. Her fingers traced over my jaw. “Just try? I won’t hurt you – I swear I won’t hurt you like that.”
“You’re already in,” I confirmed.
I guess I didn’t need to be alone after all.
Chapter 11 – Land