“Um…” I had to clear my throat to continue. “Yeah.”
“Oh, Bastian.” Raine’s hand stroked from my temple to the back of my head. “I’m sorry. That must have been horrible.”
“It was,” I agreed. “I stormed off, and she followed me back to my place. She said it was a mistake. She missed me, and she was lonely and she swore it wouldn’t happen again, so I forgave her and we made up. The second time it happened…”
I heard Raine gasp, but I didn’t pause.
“…I told her I couldn’t live like that. I needed her to be with me only, and I didn’t know how to trust her anymore. She said she’d never do it again, and then she said she wanted to…um…make a gesture. She wanted to do something special to show me how she felt.”
I stopped talking.
“Fuck, I can’t do this.”
“It’s okay, Bastian,” Raine said, her hand on the side of my face again. “Just take some deep breaths, and talk when you’re ready.”
I nodded and tried to do what Raine told me.
“What did she do, Bastian?”
“It’s not what she did,” I clarified. “It’s what she asked me to…well, or let me…fuck.”
I stopped talking again and sat up. Raine’s hands fell away from me, and I watched her sit up as well. It took me several deep breaths before I could convince myself to go on with this shit.
“I’d always been really, really careful when it came to sex,” I told her. “I’d never fucked without a condom. Ever. Not once. Not even when I was with Theresa as a teenager and certainly not when I was with different women all the time. I got checked out every six months – everything you’re supposed to do.”
“Jillian said she’d prove how much we meant to each other by letting me…” I grimaced, remembering her words and how they made me feel like she meant everything she said. I remembered how much I wanted it even though I hadn’t even considered it before. I remembered how fucking stupid I was. “She said she’d let me…come in her. She said doing that would prove how much she wanted us to be together – how much we should trust each other. She was on the pill…she said she was on the pill. Fuck, I wish I had a drink…or at least a fucking cigarette.”
I ran my hands through my hair, reached over for a cup of water, and downed it quickly as if it were a shot of vodka.
“Looking back…well…I was just a fucking moron, I guess.” I had to keep going, or there was no way I would be able to finish. “I should have realized what she really wanted. I don’t know how I would have, but I definitely should have.”
“We were together for two more months after we…um…changed our habits. I was on cloud nine, and I had decided to officially retire and ask Jillian to marry me. I even bought a ring that cost me a whole fucking tournament’s winnings, but I wanted her to have the best. I hadn’t even met her parents, but I wanted them to know I had just about as much money as they did, so they would know I could take care of her. Shit, I gave her fucking everything she wanted – the money that woman could spend on shoes alone…”
I stopped and collected myself again so I could speak a little slower.
“I was going to surprise her,” I said. “I had the ring, and I was going to pick her up at her place and take her out to dinner, maybe walk along the Sound or something to propose. I was supposed to be training that night, but I blew it off. Landon was pissed when he found out. Anyway, I went to her place and she was, again, with another guy.”
“The two times before when I caught her, she immediately began crying and begging me to forgive her. She had told me how much we were meant to be and how weak she was and all this other bullshit. This time was different. When I walked in, they were on the couch and she was riding him – she loved being on top. She looked over her shoulder when she heard me and just let out this big, exasperated sigh. She looked back at the guy and told him she’d be back in a minute, got up off of him, and shoved me into the kitchen. She barely even paused to put a robe on herself.”
“Is this him?”
“Yeah,” Jillian grumbled. “Give me a minute. This needs to be done anyway.”
“No problem, babe.”