“Not when it comes to fucking you, no.”
Another eye roll. I gave her a half smile but stopped pushing because she probably did need a break. We finished up the food a few minutes later while staring at the glowing waves and purple clouds under the setting sun.
“I’m never going to believe it, you know,” I said.
“Believe what?”
“That I’m worthy of you,” I clarified. “No matter what you say or what you do, I just don’t see that happening.”
“Bastian…at some point…”
“Hold on,” I said, quietly. For once I didn’t yell at her, though I kind of wanted to yell. I took a deep breath because I had been thinking about this for a while, and about a thousand different possibilities went through my mind while I did. They all sucked, so I was going with the one that sucked the least. “I’m never going to believe it, but…Raine…”
I looked into her eyes and tried to hold her gaze, hoping I wouldn’t lose my nerve and say something assholeish again.
“I love you, and I need you to love me. I want it…so, so much…I need it. Even though I think it would be better for you not to care about me, I need you too much to turn away from it. I’ll never walk away from you, Raine, I swear – I’ll be with you as long as you will have me. If any motherfucker ever tried to take you from me, I’d fucking fight to the death for you.”
I was breathing heavily, and my heart was starting to pound. I felt like I was in some kind of a panic, but I didn’t understand why.
“I’ll never give up,” I told her. “I’ll fight for you, no matter what. I don’t deserve you…I’ll never believe that…but I want you so bad…I need to be with you. I just have to be, Raine…I don’t think I could live any other way anymore.”
“Bastian,” she whispered, “I’ll always love you, and there’s nothing that can change that. Stop worrying – you have me.”
“So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.”
“I give you my life, my love, my soul,” I swore to her. “As long as I’m breathing, I’m yours. Even when I’m nothing more than a fucked up dick, I still love you.”
She wrapped her arms around my head and held me against her. I wished there was more that I could say, but my thoughts simply weren’t prepared to turn themselves into words. I loved her, but the word itself was so inadequate, I had no idea what to say after it. I had no purpose before her, no life, no reason to be – only existence in an empty, meaningless shell. I was useless, pointless, inadequate…the list goes on. I hated myself then, and I still did. The difference was that I knew she wanted me. I knew she loved me. The single, brightest point in the universe wanted and loved me.
“Do you think anyone’s ever going to find us?” Raine suddenly said out of the blue.
“Yeah, eventually,” I said automatically and then wondered if I believed it. I thought about it for a minute, and decided I did believe it. Considering the fuckers who attacked her had been in a small-sized motorboat, we couldn’t really be that far from civilization. We obviously weren’t in any kind of shipping lane, or we wouldn’t still be here, but eventually someone who wasn’t an asshole would have to come close enough to see us. As long as someone came close enough, we’d eventually be picked up.
Then what?
I could get another ship, and Raine could come live on it with me, but would she even want to? I had spent years on the water, but Raine had just been taking a vacation. Considering how it turned out, she might never want to get on another ship again and I wouldn’t blame her. So what would we do? Go back to the States and set up house somewhere? Then what? She could go back to school, but what the fuck would I do?
Buy a fucking huge-ass bottle of vodka, that’s what. Nice.
That’s when it hit me.
I didn’t want to be rescued.
Here on this island with Raine was complete and total paradise. Everything we needed was within reach, and there was plenty for us to live comfortably for the rest of our lives. It wasn’t a five-star Hyatt, but who the fuck actually needed any of that shit? I didn’t need anything I couldn’t find within a half-hour’s walk. I didn’t want anything else. If we were rescued, everything would change. The fact was, I couldn’t offer Raine anything other than taking care of her physically, which she wouldn’t fucking need once we were rescued.
She wouldn’t be stuck with me. She’d have options. Better options. A shitload of them.
Fuck.