Snow Falls

chapter Nineteen



Jen stood at the window, staring across the street at her neighbor’s house, a neat adobe home just like all the other neat adobe houses on the block. Just like her own. She sighed and turned away, her thoughts going to Brad. He was angry. He was confused. She’d been back two weeks, and they’d seen each other three times, all for dinner out. And each time she’d sent him home, not inviting him inside.

“What’s going on?”

“I’m just really tired.”

“Come on, Jen. Every time I want to see you, you have an excuse. I missed you so much.”

She had very nearly given in, her guilt weighing heavily on her. But the thought of being with him, kissing him, touching him—and him touching her—was nearly repulsive. She needed to tell him. She wasn’t in love with him. She wasn’t going to marry him. At least she’d figured out that much while she was away.

Away.

She closed her eyes, reliving again—for the thousandth time—Ryan’s kisses. Each time, like now, her pulse raced at the thought. And each time, like now, she pushed those thoughts away, wishing she could forget. Forget the kiss. Forget Ryan. And each time, like now, she couldn’t.

With a weary sigh, she went back to her task of making lunch. She’d invited Cheryl over. Whether it was wise or not, she needed to talk. Not necessarily about Ryan. But about Brad. Maybe she was being too hasty. Maybe she was letting what happened in the mountains cloud her feelings. She’d already spoken to Morgan, told her about the kiss, about the feelings Ryan brought out in her. That may have been a mistake; Morgan was Ryan’s friend, not hers. But she’d been so out of sorts, she just needed to talk to someone. She appreciated Morgan allowing her that, but she really needed to talk it out with Cheryl. Cheryl knew her. She would know what to say to her. And she would listen.

She’d met Cheryl for lunch the second day she’d been back, and she’d very nearly blurted it all out then. Ryan. The kiss. Her feelings for Brad or lack thereof. But Cheryl had been so excited to see her, had so many things to get her caught up on that she hadn’t wanted to spoil it. They chatted like the old friends they were, and she never once mentioned the turmoil she was going through. Today, however, would be different. She’d already warned Cheryl she wanted to talk.

She’d just finished putting the taco salad together when Cheryl knocked.

“Come on in,” she called.

Cheryl found her in the kitchen and gave her a quick, customary hug. “Is it too early for wine?”

Jen smiled. “You know I’m not much of a wine drinker.”

“I know. But you sounded like you wanted to have a serious discussion. This is more for me than you.”

Jan laughed. “Maybe I should have a glass then.”

Their conversation was light and easy while they ate, ranging from gossip about mutual acquaintances to the unusually warm weather they were having for late April. Cheryl was really the only close friend Jen had ever had and one of the few people she felt comfortable around. When Cheryl filled her wineglass for the second time, Jen realized how much time had already passed.

“I know you didn’t invite me over to chitchat,” Cheryl said. “Something’s bothering you. What is it?”

Jen shoved her plate aside, as did Cheryl. “Oh, I don’t even know where to start,” she said.

“I’ll guess it has to do with Brad.”

Jen’s eyebrows shot up.

“He called me. He said you’ve been avoiding him since you got back. Wanted to know if you’d said anything to me,” Cheryl said. “As if I’d tell him anyway.”

Jen smiled. “I do feel...different,” she said. “And it is about Brad. Mostly.”

“You can talk to me about anything, you know that.”

“I know. Thank you for that.” She still wasn’t certain she knew where to start. She decided to share the one fact she knew to be true. “I’m not in love with him.”

Cheryl’s eyes widened slightly. “Okay.”

Jen took her wineglass and twirled it absently between her fingers. “I haven’t slept with him. Since I’ve been back, I mean.”

“Wow. No wonder he called me.”

“I’ve had my doubts for a while, really. That’s one reason I booked the workshop in the first place,” she said. “I wanted that time away, time to reflect on our relationship, to see if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“And I guess you came to a conclusion.”

“I’m not in love with him, and I don’t want to have sex with him.” Jen smiled. “So yeah.”

“You haven’t told him anything?”

“No. But surely he knows how things are between us. Surely he can tell.”

Cheryl took a sip from her wine. “I’m sure he’s considered the possibility,” she said. “He told me you weren’t the same.”

Jen nodded. “I’ve changed. I know I have. I’ve changed tenfold since we first met. I mean, you know about my past. You know how I was.”

“You’ve changed since I met you. You have much more confidence now.”

“Yes. And I’m still changing.”

Jen stood, going to the same window she’d stared out of earlier. She folded her hands together, wanting so badly to tell Cheryl everything. About Ryan. About the kiss. About how much she missed her. She turned back around, finding Cheryl’s watchful eyes on her.

“Do you think someone could go through adolescence and into adulthood and not realize that they might be...might be gay?”

Cheryl slowly shook her head. “No. I don’t think so.”

“I think maybe they could. If they were sheltered. If they didn’t even know about such things.”

Cheryl stood too, joining her at the window. She cleared her throat before speaking.

“Are you talking about yourself?”

Jen nodded, unable to look at her.

“What’s going on, Jen?”

She took a deep breath. “I kissed her. She kissed me.” She looked at Cheryl. “We kissed.”

“She?”

“Ryan. The woman who rescued me.”

“And...she’s gay?”

Jen nodded.

“I see. And that’s why you think you’re not in love with Brad?”

“No.” She shook her head. “No. I told you I had been feeling this way about him for a while now. Ryan has nothing to do with Brad.”

“What kind of a name is Ryan anyway?”

“I don’t know. It may be her last name. She’s a very private person.”

“Okay, wait a minute,” Cheryl said, holding up her hands. “You kissed her? Really?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of a kiss?” she asked hesitantly.

“It was an ‘I want to rip your clothes off’ kind of kiss,” she admitted. And it was. If they’d been at the cabin instead of on the side of a mountain, she was certain that was exactly what would have happened.

“I see,” Cheryl said again. “And now you think you’re gay? Jen, girls—women—they sometimes—”

“No, it’s not like that. I spent seven weeks there. I was attracted to her. And during the course of those seven weeks, I admitted it, I acknowledged it, I accepted it. Yet we never once talked about it. Not really. There were times when I thought she was going to kiss me, but she never did. And I wanted her to.”

“Then when?”

“When I was leaving. Right before the sheriff picked me up.” Jen met her eyes. “For the first time in my life, there were fireworks from a kiss. I actually felt butterflies in my stomach,” she said, blushing.

Cheryl pulled her into a tight hug. “Oh, Jen, I don’t know what to say.”

“I know. Neither do I.”

Cheryl pulled away, smiling slightly. “You really think...think that you’re a lesbian?”

“I don’t know. I feel all mixed up. I don’t know what to do.”

“But you don’t see yourself with Brad? Ever?”

Jen shook her head. “No. I need to tell him. Explain.”

“Explain? About kissing a woman?”

“He needs to know that it’s me, not him.”

“No, no, no. Trust me. You do not want to tell him that. If you want to break it off with him, tell him the truth. Tell him you’re not in love with him. Tell him he doesn’t do it for you. Tell him you don’t feel that way about him anymore. Something. But do not tell him it’s because of another woman.”

Jen smiled sadly. “Brad is a nice person. A good person. I don’t want to hurt him. He deserves somebody who can love him and be what he needs. I can’t do it. I wasn’t ever that person. I think we both just pretended that I was.”

Cheryl put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “That’s what you need to tell him.”

Jen leaned against her. “Do you think I’m crazy?”

“No. But do you really think you’re gay?”

“I felt something with her that I have never felt with Brad.” She looked at Cheryl, happy to see only concern in her eyes and not disdain. “I want to feel that again.”

She moved away from Cheryl, her thoughts going to Ryan, to the kisses they had shared. It had felt so wonderfully different. Ryan’s mouth was so soft, so gentle, yet hungry and demanding at the same time. And her body had reacted to that. She never knew what it felt like to be sexually attracted to someone. She’d told Ryan once that she wanted more than what she had with Brad, that there must be more. But why Ryan? She couldn’t recall another time when she felt an attraction to a woman before. Just Ryan.

She turned back to Cheryl. “Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I’m overreacting. After all, it was just a kiss.” She shrugged. “It didn’t mean anything.”

But it was so much more than just a kiss. Their bodies had been nearly welded together, her breasts smashed against Ryan’s. When Ryan cupped her hips and pulled her even closer, she felt such a jolt of arousal, something she’d never felt before in her life. And yes, it was something she wanted to feel again.