Racing for Freedom

chapter Twenty Eight



I stand outside of my father's house for long, long moments just staring at the front door. How do I approach him about this? How do I tell him I know? How do I do any of it, without breaking him further? I've thought a lot about it, in fact, it's been the only thing on my mind for the past few hours. I don't know how I feel about it. Part of me blames him for drink driving, but part of me knows he's all I have left. If I lose him too...but how do I forgive him and be angry all at the same time?

When I finally gather my courage, I take the door handle and open the door. I see my father right away, it's hard to miss him. He's in the kitchen and he's smashing every plate, bowl, and cup against the counter. My mouth drops open. I've never seen my father show so much emotion since my mother died. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. When he realizes someone is in the room, his head snaps up and he glares at me. He's crying, big, hot, angry tears are rolling down his cheeks.

“Dash, where have you been?” he rasps. “And what the hell happened to your eye?”

“I…it’s nothing. I was out.”

“I’ve been calling!” he barks.

“Well I didn’t want to talk,” I say, trying to keep my temper under wraps.

His gaze burns into me and his tears begin falling harder. “I know you know, John rang me and he told me what Michael told you. I have been ringing you…”

“Why didn't you tell me?” I say in a small voice.

I'm crying now too, but I don't care. This has been a long time coming.

“Because it wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t me Dash!”

My mouth drops open. “It wasn’t your fault?”

“That boy stopped, he was drunk and he stopped. I crashed the car but...it was his fault!”

“How dare you!” I scream, my anger bubbling to the surface. “I expected a lot from you today dad, but I didn’t expect you to lie. How dare you lie to me? I know you were drunk dad, I know you didn’t stop!”

His face drops and his eyes widen. “Who told you that?”

“SLADE!” I bark. “He told me everything and now you’re trying to lie to me. You’re meant to be my dad and you’re still trying to lie!”

“Why are you talking with him? How could you after what he did? If he never got in his car...”

“NO!” I yell, cutting him off. “Don’t you blame him. Yes, he shouldn’t have been in that car, but you shouldn’t have been either and you damn well know it, so don’t you try and throw all the blame on him.”

“How could you say that?” he whispers.

“I’m saying the truth. You’ve wallowed in this house now for years, dad, if you didn’t feel guilt you would have come out and faced the world again!”

“You know nothing Dasha,” he roars.

“I know everything,” I scream. “And I’m still here. I’m still here because I want to fix this. Don’t you dare lie to me, I deserve so much more than that and so does mum!”

He crumbles now and slowly sinks to his knees, his words come out as a whisper. “I thought I was sober enough to drive, I didn’t realize I’d let myself go so much. I didn’t see those cars, I didn’t see them and I ran right into them at full speed. I saw her head slam so hard onto that dashboard, it’s my fault Dash, it’s my fault she’s dead!”

My heart cracks a little and I rush over, dropping to my knees in front of him. I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me.

“You can’t change it dad, you can’t. If you live with this guilt for the rest of your life, it’ll kill you. I need you, I need you to pick yourself up for me. If you don’t, I’ll crumble too.”

“I don’t know how to pick myself up, I don’t even know where to start.”

“Do you love me daddy?”

His eyes widen and he rasps, “Baby girl, you’re my life.”

“Then you have to fix yourself for me, because if you sink too, I’m left alone. I don’t want to be alone.”

My voice comes out desperate and broken. His eyes well up again and he cups my cheeks in his hands. “I would never leave you alone, I’ll do anything to fix this Dash, just please don’t hate me...”

“I don’t hate you, it was a mistake. It was a mistake on both yours and Slade’s parts but it’s done. We can’t change it. I want so badly to just walk away and be angry at you both, but it won’t help me, I can’t let myself crumble and fall because I can’t let go. I have to get through this and so do you.”

“I don’t know how...”

“You have to try, you have to get out of this house. You have to forgive yourself.”

“She’s dead because of me,” he says, crying so hard his body shakes.

“You shouldn’t have gotten in that car drunk and Slade shouldn’t have driven while he was drunk either, but if you live with this guilt forever, it’ll eat you up. I miss her every day daddy, every day and I hate that she was taken away from me so early, but I forced myself to keep living. She wouldn’t want this for us. You made a mistake, yes it was a massive one and yes, you will likely never forgive yourself for it but you HAVE to keep going dad, you can’t do this forever.”

“I want to Dash, but every time I feel like I’m getting better, her face is in my mind…”

“She loved you, you were her sunshine. She wouldn’t want this for you. She would have forgiven you.”

He sobs harder and his body heaves. I hold him close.

“I’m so sorry Dash, so sorry.”

“I forgive you daddy, I do, part of me doesn’t want to, but I am going to let that go because you’re all I have and I need you.”

“I love you Dash,” he chokes out. “You are the only reason I’m still here.”

“I want you to fix yourself dad, I need you to…for me.”

He looks up at me with red, puffy eyes. “I’ll do anything to fix this, anything to make you see I’d die for you Dash.”

“I want you to come to my race this afternoon.”

His eyes widen and he immediately shakes his head.

“Dad, if you want to move on and pick yourself back up, you have to leave this house. I need you, I need your support and I want you there. If you want my forgiveness dad, you’ll do this for me. You’ll do it for her, because she would want you to be there for me. I know you let her down that night, but you don’t have to let her down now.”

It’s a low blow, I know, but I am getting desperate. My father stares at me for a long moment, then hangs his head and nods softly. It’s not much of a nod, but it’s there and my heart swells.

“You’ll come?”

He looks up at me, then takes a deep breath and stands. “I’ll come.”

I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his chest. “It’s going to be ok, if it gets too much, I’ll understand if you leave.”

“I have to do this sometime, Dash. If it means my daughter’s forgiveness and love, I’d walk to the ends of the earth if she asked.”

I squeeze him tighter. “I love you dad, no matter what.”

“I love you too Dash, and god knows, I’m so dammed proud of you.”

~*~*~*~

I don’t know how my dad will go, but when I’m dressed in my racing gear and ready to go, I head back to pick him up. He’s standing out the front wearing black jeans and his old racing shirt. My heart swells with pride. I can see the anxiety in his face as he shifts nervously from one foot to the other. I pull the car up and get out, smiling at him. When he sees me, he smiles, but it’s wobbly. I hope I haven’t pushed too hard. I hope he’s ready for this.

“Are you ready dad?”

He nods, swallowing. “I...yeah...I have to do this.”

I take his hand. “Come on, I got your back!”

He smiles, but it’s still weak and nervous. He slides into the front seat of my car and I notice his breathing deepen. It didn’t even occur to me that he hasn’t really been in a car since my mother’s death, and that must make him feel ill inside. I take his hand.

“Are you sure, say no now dad...”

He shakes his head. “I have to, I have to...try.”

I nod and start the car, his fingers are white on the edge of the seat as we begin driving towards the track. Neither of us speak as we drive, I don’t think either of us know what to say. When the racetrack comes into view, his eyes widen. He hasn’t seen the track and no doubt it’s changed since the last time he was here. I find a car park and pull in, then I get out. A moment later, he steps out too.

Unfortunately it’s not a quiet day at the track today. The times today will determine who goes into the next race. Whoever wins the next race, goes into the championships. I want a place today, so I have to keep a cool head. I have to. I want to be first, giving me the better placing for the next race. I hate that I have to race against Slade today, knowing full well our feelings are different now. I guess the only hope we might get, is that we can both gain a place. I am not sure either of us would make a good loser.

I take dads hand and we begin walking towards the track. He’s limping a little, with nerves or just his injury, or both combined, I don’t know. When people notice him, they all seem to fall quiet. He squeezes my hand and I can see his chest rising and falling with nerves. I can’t imagine how he feels right now, I truly can’t. It must be an awful feeling facing something that you tried so hard to hide from.

I hear a loud voice come over the speaker and I hear Slade’s name being called. I can’t help my eyes as they scan the crowd. Then I see him sauntering up to the stage. I feel my mouth open as I watch him getting closer, the stage is to my left so I have a full view of him. He’s decked out today, with his hat turned backwards, his racing sunglasses on and his black and white racing shirt that shows off those perfect muscles oh so well. I hear a squeal, and I see Kandee running towards him.

My chest stiffens and I stop walking when she leaps into his arms, pressing her lips to his. He swings her around and kisses her back. My blood boils and I feel my stomach turn. Ok, Slade and I aren’t officially together but heck, I thought we were seeing each other now and I assumed that meant we would see no one else. I watch as Slade kisses Kandee deep and intense and I swallow back the bile that rises in my throat as the crowd cheers and screams for him.

“I see nothing’s changed,” my father mutters.

Tears burn my eyes and anger courses through my veins. I’m so hurt, I want to go over and kick him right in the groin. I watch Michael saunter over when Slade is on the stage and take all the credit for his son’s hard work by smiling and thanking everyone. I turn to stare at my father and see he’s looking right at Michael with a scowl on his face.

“I see nothing’s changed there either,” he grumbles.

“No, Michael is still the mega a*shole he was before.”

“Colby?”

We hear a voice and turn to see John striding towards us with a grin so big, it’s infectious. Even in my pain, I smile over at him. He stops and stares over my father, then claps him on the shoulder.

“I can’t believe you’re here.”

My father smiles, it’s getting a little less strained. “Yeah, she got me out.”

“You’ll be proud of her, she’s racing well.”

“I heard.”

“How are you feeling?”

My father shrugs. “Like I’m about to throw up. It’s taking every strength inside me not to get in that car and go home but I promised her I’d be here and I will.”

John nods sympathetically. “It’ll get easier mate, I promise.”

“He’ll be ok, I believe in him,” I smile, staring at my father.

“What happened to your eye Dash?” John asks, frowning.

“Long story, it’s fine.”

“You got a real shiner there.”

I chuckle, “Yeah.”

“Well well, if it isn’t Colby Jewel. Come to watch your daughter lose?”

I hear Michael’s voice and cringe. Great. My father closes his eyes and then opens them, before turning and facing his long time enemy. He rakes his gaze over Michael as though he’s no more than a piece of dirt. My chest swells with pride. I have never seen my father look so…strong. I thought Michael would be what sent him home, yet it seems to be what’s making him look even stronger.

“Well, Michael, I see you’re still a sore loser.”

Michael scowls. “Says the man who hid in his house for years because he killed his own wife.”

I don’t even see my hand bunch, all I know is it swings out and connects so hard with Michael’s nose that a loud crack fills the air. Michael roars with pain and stumbles backwards a few steps, blood pours from his nose.

“You little f*cking…”

“Finish that sentence,” my father snarls, “and I’ll put you on your ass, Michael.”

“Dad?”

I look up, my fist is throbbing, to see Slade rushing over. He stares at his father and then turns his eyes to me holding my fist. His mouth drops open.

“You’ll f*ckin’ pay for that, Dasha!” Michael spits at me.

“Whatever,” I grunt, turning and staring at my father. “Are you ok?”

He looks at Michael, then over at me and actually smiles. “Yeah, I’m great. Come on, let’s get that hand looked at.”

He takes my elbow and pulls me away. John bursts out laughing and follows.

“Dash?”

I hear Slade call my name, and with a scowl I turn and give him a glare so severe he flinches. Just as I’m turning away though, I see something else in his gaze. I see fear, not for himself, but for me. I know right then and there that I should have never laid a hand on Michael Devaroe.