“You know what? I have to go.” I say, thumbing over my shoulder. I can’t stand here and listen to this anymore. “Congratulations on your job. I’ll see you around.”
I spin on my heel and make my way out of there as fast as I can. Trying not to think about the emotions that are boiling up inside of me. Having Braden back in my life is messing with me, and making me feel things I don’t want to. I hate that he felt so strongly about me and still handed me over. I hate that he has a tattoo on his chest that represents me. I just have so much hate – so much disappointment inside of me.
I want it gone. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I hold on until I get back to my flat. I hold on as I rush to the bathroom, turn on the shower and get inside. The water is still cold, but as soon as it hits my face, I let go.
There’s something about crying in the shower that makes it ok. It’s like crying with the water doesn’t make it real, and I can pretend it never happened. I can pretend I’m still strong. But I’m not. I never have been.
Chapter Forty
“Paige, we’ve been having these sessions for a few months now. I’m not going to sign off on your treatment until we actually discuss something important,” my counsellor, Erin, says to me at my next appointment.
“Don’t you think the most important thing is that I stay off the drugs? Isn’t that the whole reason I’m here?” I retort.
“Yes, that’s part of it. But the loss you’ve experienced makes you a high risk of relapse. Counselling can help Paige. But only if you’ll let it.”
“I’m not going to relapse,” I insist, looking at a print of an Australian bush scene hanging on the wall in her office, and wishing that she had a window so I didn’t feel so trapped whenever I came here.
“What makes you so sure about that?”
“Because I won’t.”
“I admire your determination Paige. I really do. But right now, you’re living in a guided situation. You have regular contact with people whose job is to make sure you have all the help you need to move on with your life. This situation won’t last forever. Eventually, you’ll be on your own. You’ll want to have relationships, maybe even start a family. And all of these things can be extremely difficult. If we don’t address your past. How can you possibly have a productive future?”
I adjust myself in my seat and fold my arms over my chest. “Firstly, I don’t want to have a relationship, or a family. I don’t want to address my past either. It’s been one huge disappointment after another, and I really don’t want to think about it.”
“You might not want to think about it Paige. But our minds have a habit forcing us to deal with things.”
I drop my head against the back of the couch and look up at the ceiling. During the day, I’m able to keep busy. I focus on my school work, or I read. I tidy my flat, and I cook. Life is very normal during the day. But when it’s time to sleep, my mind won’t stop.
In those moments before I drift off, I remember everything. My dreams remind me about everyone, and everything in my past. Then every morning when I wake, the first thought in my mind is of Phoenix, followed by the knowledge that I’m the reason she didn’t survive.
“You know, when my parents kicked me out of home, I thought I was better off on my own. That I didn’t need the help of homeless shelters, or the charities that run them. I thought that being put into foster care, or a girl’s home would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But now, I know that if it wasn’t for programs like this, then I would be dead.