No Attachments

chapter 27: Trying to Heal

Ashton

My emotions were a mess by the time my father pulled into our circular driveway. The ride home had passed in tense silence. I ignored the furtive glances he sent my way throughout the drive. I was too angry to acknowledge them.

It annoyed me that I required his help to get to my room, but my hospital stay had depleted my limited energy supply to a nonexistent level.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked once I was settled on my bed with Wilma.

I shook my head, anxious for him to leave. He started to say something, but thought better of it and walked out of my room. The sob I had been holding back since I saw Nathan bubbled up through me the moment the door closed. I wanted to curse fate that he had seen me at that moment. I cringed at what he must have seen. I was a weak shell of the woman I had been in Woodfalls. My body was frail and ravaged from the sickness that had ripped its way through me, but vainly, it was my head that I was the most ashamed of. Upon my release from the hospital, I'd been expecting to go straight home, so I didn't see any reason to wear a hat or one of the silk scarves that my father had bought me. Without looking in the mirror I knew what my head looked like, all I had to do was smooth a hand over its surface to know. All the auburn hair he'd loved was gone. There was nothing left for him to run his fingers through. I could not stand to see the pity in his eyes, so I'd instructed my father to bring me home.

Wilma crawled up onto my chest, rubbing her fur against my tear-stained cheeks, trying to comfort me. I smoothed my hand down her back as she purred her pleasure. "You don't care that I'm a bald skeleton do you?" I murmured as she continued to purr loudly. "I saw our friend today. He looked amazing," I told her as she continued to rub against me like she totally understood what I was saying. "He's even more handsome than I remembered," I told her softly, knowing she was the only one I could confide in. She was still lying on top of me when I eventually fell asleep with thoughts of Nathan still running through my head on an endless loop.

I felt fractionally more human the next morning when I woke. I made a silent vow not to cry again. It was no use crying over spilt milk. So he'd seen me at my worse. I would make damn sure the next time he saw me I would resemble the woman he remembered rather than the glimpse of the one he'd gotten at the hospital. I would be stronger and no longer sick the next time he saw me.

My father was fixing my breakfast when I joined him. He looked at me warily, obviously trying gauge whether I was holding a grudge. "So, you told Nathan I was in the hospital," I stated.

"Yes," he answered, setting a plate with pancakes in front of me.

"Is he this fishing buddy of yours?" I asked as pieces of the puzzle came together. I remembered a conversation with Nathan where he told me his favorite pastimes were scuba diving and deep-sea fishing.

"Yes," he answered, sitting across from me with his own plate.

"Why didn't you tell me you were friends?" I asked, nibbling at my pancakes. I really wasn't hungry, but eating was the only thing that would help restore my body.

He sighed before answering. "I wanted to, but you seemed so closed off to the subject."

"How long has he been here?" I asked, acknowledging his comment with a small nod of my head.

"Since October."

"So he lives here now?" I asked, ignoring the fluttering in my heart.

"Yes. Are you going to see him?" he asked nonchalantly.

"No," I answered, leaving no room for argument as I forced myself to finish my breakfast.

We didn't speak about Nathan for a long time after that. Christmas came and went and January bled into February. My body went into semi-remission and the doctors put me on a regimen of medication. They were once again optimistic. I decided against counting the days down to the five-year mark this time. Instead, I measured the days in increments as my body began to recover and my hair began to grow now that I was no longer having chemo treatments. I also joined a gym and slowly began to build my body back up. Ironically, my exercise of choice turned out to be running, which of course reminded me of Nathan every time I stepped on the treadmill. When I wasn't working out, I was interning at the local hospital in the psychiatric department while I waited to get into the master's program I had applied to. My days were full as I worked to keep busy, but no matter how busy I kept myself, thoughts of Nathan were always lurking just below the surface. As my body became stronger, I didn't shove them away, knowing that soon I would see him again. I knew that he doubted my feelings for him by things my father had let slip, but in the end, I would show him just what he meant to me. I would tell him I fought the battle for him.

I should have expected fate to jerk the carpet out from under me since I seemed to be some kind of cosmic joke to it, but when it struck, I was completely unprepared. Ironically, it was me who opened the floodgates.

"How's the fishing been going?" I asked my father casually over breakfast one morning at the end of February.

"Good. Nathan can't go out as much as we'd like now that he's so busy," he said, not looking at me.

"Busy?" I asked, parched for any information about him.

"Yeah, he's been dating this girl he met over at the News Journal," he answered, looking unconcerned as he added eggs to my plate.

"Dating?" I asked, not sure I had heard him right.

"Yeah, I guess he finally got the hint that you had moved on."

"Right," I said weakly, not looking up from my plate. I should have known if I continued to push him away he would eventually get sick of waiting. I wasn't even sure I could blame him. Our whole relationship was based on the one week we had shared. It suddenly seemed completely ridiculous that anyone would wait almost six months for someone they really didn't know that well. Chances were he'd discovered what he thought was love was really nothing more than lust during a stressful time. I finished my breakfast in an agony-filled haze before excusing myself from the table.

I didn't cry as I slowly walked to my room, or when I began to get dressed or even when I pulled out his old navy blue t-shirt that I preferred to work out in.

"You okay?" my dad asked as I headed for the front door a few minutes later in my running gear.

"I'm fine," I lied. "I'm going to work out."

"Gym or the beach?" he asked.

"The beach. Why?" I asked, finally focusing on him.

"I just worry when you're running on the beach. Do you have the Mace I bought you?"

I held up my keys so he could see the travel-sized mace that was hooked to them, not mentioning the fact that I always left my keys in the car.

"Be careful," he said, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

"I will."

My dad had suggested a different beach that he said was less crowded. I was relieved to find the parking lot was relatively empty and silently thanked my father for showing me this particular spot a few weeks back. It was ideal for running since you didn't have to worry about maneuvering around sunbathers or watching out for small children who were prone to dart in front of you. The majority of the properties that lined this beach were privately owned which kept the beach population at an all-time low. Stowing my keys beneath the driver's seat, I used the keypad on the door to lock the car behind me.

I replayed my father's words as I made my way down the steep staircase leading to the beach below. Away from prying eyes, I stood at the shore for a moment, watching the waves crashing against the shore. The knowledge that Nathan had moved on was crippling, and I fought against the urge to sink down on the sand and weep. Instead, I did the next best thing as far as I was concerned: I took off running down the beach. I pushed myself harder than I had ever before, sprinting along, trying to escape the haunting memories. Only when my vision was threatened by black spots did I finally allow myself to slow. Placing my hands on my knees, I gasped for air, fighting to keep down my breakfast. Once I was sure I wasn't going to die due to lack of air in my lungs, I stood up straight. I was astonished at the distance I had covered after glancing back the way I had just come. Impressive or not, it didn't stop the stitch that had developed in my side. I walked slowly back toward where I had started, watching the incoming waves on the sand. It was nice to have the beach completely to myself, especially since I was a sweaty mess. My short hair was plastered to my head and my clothes were drenched in sweat.

No sooner had that thought entered my head that a lone runner appeared in the horizon. At least it was a fellow runner, who would most likely be so intent on finishing his or her own workout that the person wouldn't notice what I looked like. The gap between us narrowed and after a few minutes, I was able to make out his features. Stopping in the sand, I watched as his eyes widened with surprise when he recognized me and came to a halt.

"Hello, Nathan," I said, pleased that my voice didn't betray me by trembling.

"Ashton," he said, looking like he'd been hit by a brick. "What are you doing here?" he asked like he owned the beach beneath my feet.

"Getting my nails done," I said sarcastically, suddenly pissed that he was allowed to move on, while I was stuck in limbo. "What does it look like?" I added, indicating the sweat dripping off my body.

He looked taken aback at my sarcasm before his own face hardened. "I see. Well, I'm sorry you were forced to lay eyes on me," he said in the same voice I'd heard him use on Travis months ago. "I know you like to pretend there was never anything between us," he added, turning away.

I watched as he started to jog away as anger swirled up through me at his gall. He was the one who acted like what we had was nothing. "I think it's awfully rich for you to throw that line at me when you're the one who's moved on," I shouted at his back. His steps faltered and then stopped, but he kept his back to me. "I know asking you to wait was a ridiculous request considering we barely knew each other, but I'd hoped your feelings were the same as mine," I continued to yell as he slowly turned to me.

"What the f*ck are you talking about?" he yelled. "I've done nothing but wait for you. I switched jobs, sold my condo, moved across the state, all so I could be closer to you; all on the off chance that you would finally tell me the wait was over. I had to beg like some dog for scraps of information off your father. I was forced to sit idly by in some diner instead of being by your side while you almost died. I did nothing but wait for you, and then, the one time I actually get to see you, you act like I'm not even there. You treated me like some chump you had a one-night stand with who you would rather never lay eyes on again. You stomped on my heart like a heartless bitch and drove away," he yelled, closing the distance between us in angry strides before stopping right at my face. "How could you act like what we shared was nothing?" he asked before pulling me in for a rough kiss. Time stopped moving as the familiarity of his lips settled against mine. The kiss was filled with anger and hurt, but it did not stop my heart from racing with excitement. "Why?" he whispered, finally pulling back, but not loosening his grip on my shoulders.

"Because I couldn't bare for you to see me like that. I was ashamed. My hair was gone, and I was weaker than an eighty-year-old woman. I wanted to spare you the horror of what I looked like. I was scared that the passion you once felt for me would be replaced with pity. I couldn't face that. I wanted you to remember me the way I was in Woodfalls," I said as a tear escaped my overflowing eyes. "I didn't want you to see me die if the cancer beat me. It would have killed me if your last memory of me was a shell of the former person I was."

"Why didn't you call me when you started to get better?" he asked quietly as his anger melted away.

"Vanity. I wanted to have something besides a scarf covering my head," I said, self-consciously rubbing a hand over my short hair that had grown in darker than its previous shade. "I needed to feel normal," I admitted. "It doesn't matter anymore anyway. It's too late."

"Because you don't love me anymore?" he asked in a resigned voice.

"Of course not, idiot," I said as a fresh wave anger flared up inside me again. "Because my father told me that you met someone else," I said, jerking my shoulders from his grasp.

"Charles told you…" he asked incredulously before throwing back his head with laughter.

"What the hell is so funny about my father telling me?" I snapped, fighting the urge to slap the grin off his face.

"You're father is a born matchmaker."

"Are you trying to tell me he's the one who set you up?" I asked, feeling the sting of betrayal. "He told me you met her at work."

"Your father didn't set just me up, he set you up too," he said softly, taking my hand in his.

"You're not seeing someone?" I asked as understanding dawned on me.

He shook his head. "Sweets, the only one I want to see is standing in front of me."

"My father set us up. Is that how you knew I'd be here today?" I asked, trying to put all the puzzle pieces together.

"No, but he knows I run here every day."

"That's why he pushed me to come here. No wonder he was so nosy this morning," I mused. "You're not bike riding with some chick from work?" I repeated, sagging in relief.

He laughed again. "You're the only one I want to bike with, sweetheart," he said, pulling me too him and resting his lips against mine.

Our lips melded together, filled with tenderness and promises of no anger or hurt. The past was forgotten as we lost ourselves in each other's arms, rediscovering what had brought us together in the first place.

"By the way, your hair is sexy as hell," he whispered in my ear. "Should we let Charles know we found each other, or should we make him squirm?"

"Well, I am still pissed that he lied to me this morning, but on the other hand, it made me face the music. I kept pushing back when I was going to contact you. First, it was after the chemo. Then it was once I went into remission, and then I changed it to when I no longer resembled a bald baby. Truthfully, I think I was just afraid to face you. I was scared that it wouldn't be like it was. Everything happened so quickly before. All the decisions we made were dictated by lust. I was afraid that once we faced reality, that same passion would no longer be there in light of real-life problems."

"That's love, sweetheart. We take the good and the bad.

"This time I want us to take it slow. Really get to know each other and make sure what we share is real. This time, I want to be nothing but attached," I whispered as our lips sealed together.





[pager]Epilogue

"I can't believe you're leaving me."

"Dad, you've known for the last two months that I'd be moving out today," I said, hauling a heavy box down the hall which was proving difficult since Wilma was rubbing against my ankles. "Besides, this isn't the first time I've left home," I said, swiping a bead of sweat off my forehead.

"Yeah, but not hundreds of miles away," he griped, watching me place the box near my suitcase.

"Dad, you know it's not permanent. We'll only be in Woodfalls for the summer," I said for what felt like the hundredth time.

"If I knew he would repay me for playing matchmaker by taking my baby away, I would have rethought my plans," he mumbled as the doorbell rang. "There's the traitor now," he complained as I hurried to the front door.

"Hi," I said, throwing open the front door.

"Hi yourself, beautiful," Nathan said, pulling me into his arms for a quick kiss.

"How's the old man?" he asked, pulling back.

"Grumpy as hell. Do you have his ticket?" I asked.

"Right here," he said, holding up the plane ticket we'd decided to purchase for my father so he could fly to Woodfalls to come see us in July.

"Dad, we have a surprise for you," I said, coming back into the formal living room with the plane ticket in hand.

"Let me guess, you've decided to make the move permanent," he said sarcastically, glaring at Nathan.

"Daddy," I sighed. "Don't be a grouch. We bought you a ticket to come see us in Woodfalls in July. So now you can wipe the scowl from your face."

"You did?" he asked, breaking into a wide grin. "I thought maybe you two wanted to get away from me."

"Oh, Dad," I said, throwing my arms around him. "That's not why we're going to Woodfalls," I said as Nathan chuckled lightly behind me. I pulled away from my dad so I could glare at Nathan, but failed miserably when he winked at me. My insides still liquefied from his wink. Judging by the wicked grin on his face, he was well aware of that fact.

"Let's go," he said abruptly, grabbing my box off the floor and heading out to his Range Rover. I followed behind with Wilma in my arms while my dad dragged along my two suitcases. I placed Wilma next to her new best friend, Fred, on the blanket Nathan had spread across the backseat. "You two be good," I said, petting each of them.

Nathan had already stowed my luggage in the back of the vehicle by the time I closed the car door.

"Sir, I look forward to fishing with you next month," Nathan said, shaking my father's hand.

"Take care of my baby," my father replied, pulling Nathan in for a rough man-hug.

"You can count on it," Nathan said, rounding the vehicle so I could say goodbye in private.

"I love you, Dad," I said, throwing myself in his arms. "Thank you for helping me with everything this year," I added earnestly.

"I'm always here for you. If all goes as planned, for the rest of my life, not yours," he said, squeezing tightly before releasing me.

"I know," I said, smiling at him through my sudden tears. "I'll see you next month," I added, opening my door.

"You two drive safely and call when you get to that hick town," he demanded before closing my door for me.

"We will," Nathan and I answered as the door clicked shut.

"You ready?" Nathan asked, pulling out of my driveway.

"I've been ready for two months," I answered.

"So have I, sweets," he said, not missing my innuendo. "This has been the longest three months of my life," he added, shooting me a wry look.

"Hey, it's been tough for me too," I pointed out. "But we did it," I said, referring to my plan for us to take it slow. We had collectively decided that we would date first. It was important to me that we got to know each other for real this time since our previous relationship had been built on secrets. I had announced that I didn't think we should sleep together again until we had been together for three months. Nathan acted like a sport about it the entire time. Hell, by the end of March, I wished I could have eaten my words.

"A lot of cold showers, that's what's gotten me through it," Nathan suggested.

I was ready to cave a couple times, convinced we had proven my point, but surprisingly, he would remind me of our deal. At first, I began to worry that maybe he didn't want me as much as he used to, but then he sprang his idea of us going back to Woodfalls to celebrate the three-month mark. The idea took hold of me, and the idea of waiting until then almost seemed worth it. We would finally make love where it had all began.

"Do you have your medicine?" he asked.

"Yep," I answered, patting my purse. My sickness was no longer a taboo subject and though I was in semi-remission, we had openly talked about the possibility of a relapse. From the very beginning of getting back together, Nathan had informed me in no uncertain terms that if I did relapse, he wasn't going anywhere. He proved his point by joining me at each of my doctor's appointments and often asking more questions than me. Every so often, I would panic slightly that we were jinxing it by talking about it so much. He had gently reminded me that even before, when I'd bottled it up, it had still returned. "It's better to know what we're facing than to be surprised," he had reasoned.

"How long does it take to get there again?" I asked, checking the GPS map as he merged onto the highway heading north.

"Couple of days, less if I don't stop for food or gas," he joked, reading my thoughts.

"Anxious, are we?"

"Honey, I won't be happy until your legs are wrapped around my waist," he said, placing his hand on my knee. Slowly tormenting each other turned out to be the theme of our trip. All the desire we'd been keeping at bay seemed to pulsate between us with each mile that brought us closer to Woodfalls. Stopping at night was the worst. It's just like running when you can see the finish line, but you're not sure you can make it. We agreed to get adjoining rooms, and it took all my willpower not to sneak over to his room. Only the thought of saving it for the cottage gave me the strength I needed. The days were at least easier since we would distract ourselves by playing silly car games. Other times I would read to him to help whittle the hours away. It was dusk on the third day when we finally drove past the Woodfalls welcome sign. I grinned with pleasure as we drove by Fran's store and Joe's bar, where we had met. Fran and I had kept up a correspondence through email during the past year, and she was excited to see me again. I preferred to chat with Tressa and Brittni on the phone, but I had yet to tell them I was coming and had sworn Fran to secrecy. I wanted to surprise them.

Nathan pulled into the familiar driveway and my heart pinched with happiness at the sight of the cottage. At the moment, I was so happy we had decided to wait. It only seemed right that we would rediscover each other here.

Nathan made quick work of unpacking the Range Rover while I got the cats settled inside.

I stepped out to the porch to see if Nathan needed any help. My heart began to race as he slowly approached with the smile that still melted everything inside me. It felt like forever since we'd last stood on this very same spot together. The last time we were here betrayal and lies had threatened the shaky relationship we had. Now, honesty and love bound us together. What started out as a no-attachments bargain had turned into the love story I thought would never be mine. We had no idea what our future held, but we were certain that as long as we had each other, we could face anything.

"Are you ready?" Nathan asked, reaching for my hand and leading us toward our future—together.