No Attachments

chapter 21: The Snow Angel

Ashton

The snow outside provided the perfect excuse to lie around all day being lazy. We pretty much did nothing but watch TV until dark. The flames from the fireplace made the shadows dance on the walls. For once, it wasn't me who fell asleep first. Nathan slept next to me on the thick pallet of blankets we had laid out in front of the fireplace where we had just made love. At this point, to deny that it was just sex would cheapen what we had shared. My skin still felt the tingle of his touch while my mind replayed how he had looked in the firelight as he slid into me. Unlike the other two times, when all our focus centered on reaching the wave of ecstasy, this time we took the time to discover and enjoy each other's bodies. It was slow and delicious. I curiously explored his body, discovering what he liked. He groaned when my hand had closed around him, stroking him. He allowed my touch for a few moments before rolling on top of me and taking me. His pace was slow and sure as he brought me to the edge countless times, retreating each time just before I went over. Each time I was close, he would drop his mouth to mine, swallowing my gasps and pleas for release. Eventually, his own willpower had faded away and he took us both over the edge at the same time.

In all the ecstasy and pleasure, my emotions had now become more clouded than I cared to handle. My feelings for him were beginning to eclipse the plans I had set. I didn't want to be one of those women who confused lust with love. I barely knew him, so it couldn't be love. Besides, I'd always told myself I didn't believe in insta-love. I'd seen that in college when I would watch my fellow students fall into each other's arms, professing their love after only a couple dates and then breaking up a few weeks later. It always seemed like it was the girl who took it the hardest, while the guys would move on like nothing happened. I was not that kind of girl, and yet, I couldn't deny that I didn't feel something for him. I wanted to be with him, to confide in him. I wanted to tear up our imaginary no-attachments contract. But most of all, I didn't want to leave him.

I quietly moved out from under Nathan's arms. The direction my thoughts had taken now had me completely annoyed. My clothes lay in a heap on the floor where we had left them in our anxiousness to get naked. I threw them on along with my heavy parka and knitted hat and headed outside to clear my head.

The white scene that greeted me was just as beautiful under the moonlight. At least a foot of snow blanketed the ground, and the tree branches above my head were all covered with fresh powder. I grinned with delight as I hopped off the small front porch. I walked out several feet into an open space and threw myself backward, letting the cotton-like snow cushion my fall. I fanned my arms out around me, creating my first-ever snow angel. The moment felt bittersweet. Just a few days ago I'd been worried that I wouldn't be able to finish all the items on my list, but now thanks to Nathan, I was less than seven items from finishing. Tears filled my eyes. The number seemed so final, and for a moment, I wished I would have set the number higher. I knew I was being ridiculous. It wasn't as if the list held power over when my life would end, but at the moment, it felt like it.

"A penny for your thoughts," Nathan said, lying on the ground beside me. His words seemed to bust a dam inside me and the tears I never let myself shed flowed hot and fast down my cheeks.

"Hey, what is this?" Nathan asked, sitting up and pulling me onto his lap. I tried to answer him, to tell him I was just being stupid, but the tears made talking impossible. Everything I'd been bottling up for the last four months flowed out of me in a torrent. I had to give Nathan credit. He didn't run for the hills like most males would have when faced with an inconsolable sobbing mess. Instead, he rocked me in his arms, rubbing my back. Eventually, the tears slowed and the cold and dampness from the snow began to seep through our clothes. I stood up, keeping my eyes averted from his, knowing he'd want answers, and I was ready to tell him. He deserved the truth, but before I did I wanted one more night in his arms where he didn't look at me with contempt for my cowardice, or worse yet, with pity.

Neither of us talked as we entered the cottage. Nathan stripped my damp clothes from my body so the fire could warm my skin. After removing his own clothes, he swept me up in his arms and carried me to bed, where he climbed in next to me. Wrapping his arms around me, he rolled onto his back, dragging me with him so I was lying on top of him with my body flush against his. Desperate to forget everything that stood between us, I tangled my hands in his hair and ground my mouth on his. The intensity of my feelings roared through me as I hungrily searched and found his tongue with my own. Maybe he sensed my need or his own desire equaled mine, but he tangled his own hands in my hair, pulling me even closer. Our lips smashed together with bruising intensity as we both fed our hunger. My movements on his body matched our kiss as I moved against him, fueling the fire between us to a frenzied high. Wanting more, I broke the kiss and ran my lips down his jaw, nipping his scruff-covered chin before trailing down his neck and over his pecs. His hands once again grabbed my hair, but I completely took control. I felt possessed, forcing both of his arms above his head. My mouth continued to travel down his body and still it wasn't enough. He groaned, trying again to use his hands on me, but I forced them back once more. I continued even lower with my mouth, finding the destination I knew we both wanted. I showered the same amount of attention on him as he had earlier on me. I couldn't help feeling satisfied as he moaned my name. I allowed him to pull me back up to straddle his body, but that was all the control I would give him. This was my turn. I guided him inside me, rocking backward until he filled me completely. I was in charge of controlling the pace, and I marveled at the power I held just by moving my hips one way or another. Move fast and his eyes would glaze over with desire, never leaving my face. Move slower and I got to feel him hold himself rigid inside me as I moved. Enjoying my power, I tormented him with my movements, placing my mouth back down to his. His tongue entered my mouth as I placed my hands on his chest. I set a new pace that matched the movements of his tongue in my mouth. Close to the edge, I pushed my pelvis down against him until he was buried in me deeper than he'd ever been. My movement sent us both over the edge and he shouted my name as he pulled me down hard against him one last time.

I collapsed on his chest, breathing heavily. All the energy I'd felt just moments ago had drifted away like a kite on a windy day. "Sorry," I said, trying to catch my breath.

"For what? Oh my god," he replied, running his hand over my bare back.

"So, you liked it?" I asked.

"'Like' isn't even close to the right word," he replied. "Hey, not to change the subject after something as unbelievable as that, but do you want to talk about what happened outside?" he asked, continuing to rub my back.

"Not tonight. Is that okay?" I asked, rising up on my elbow so I could look at him.

"Are you okay now?" he inquired.

I took a moment to take stock of his question. Was I all right? Oddly, I felt much better. I knew using sex as a Band-Aid wouldn't lessen the truth, but at the moment, I allowed myself to shove my problems in a drawer. A drawer that could wait at least another day to be evaluated.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I finally answered, lying back on top of him. He continued to stroke my back as my eyelids became heavy. "I wish we could sleep this way," I murmured as he shifted me off him.

"Let me clean up, and your wish is my command," he said, rising from the bed.

By the time he returned, I was more asleep than awake as he pulled me into his arms and rested my head on his chest.

"I can feel your heart," I mumbled as my eyes closed.

His reply came from far away. I must have imagined it because as sleep pulled me under completely, it sounded like he said, "It is your heart now."

Nathan was gone from the bed when I woke the next morning. I could hear him talking in a hushed tone as I stretched before climbing out of bed. Grabbing my robe off the back of my bedroom door, I headed out to see what he was up to. I found him standing in front of the fireplace with his back to me. The hand that wasn't holding the phone gripped the mantel with an intensity that surprised me. I caught the tail end of his conversation as I paused in the doorway.

"Tomorrow is soon enough. I need to prepare things," he said in a hard tone I'd never heard him use before. "No, tomorrow," he repeated before ending the call.

"Everything okay?" I asked, sliding my arms around his waist and resting my face against his back.

"It's fine," he answered, setting his phone on the mantle and placing his hands on top of mine. "My boss is just being persistent."

"I thought you took a few weeks off."

"I did, but it looks like that won't be panning out."

"Are you leaving?" my voice cracked.

"Not right away," he said, turning around to wrap his arms around me. "What would you like to do today?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Would you be up for a double date? Tressa has been texting me all week, begging us to join her and the guy she likes for an indie concert by her campus. It means you'll be stuck hanging out with a CW crowd," I teased.

"She wants us to tagalong on her date?" he asked, skeptically.

"Not 'tagalong.' Double date. I think she's dealing with nerves. She's been with Jackson so long that she's nervous seeing someone else. Do you mind?"

"For you, anything," he answered, dropping a quick peck on my lips. "I need to head to my hotel for a few hours, but I'll pick you up later. That way maybe we can see a movie while we're in the city."

"Sounds good. I'll text her and get the deets," I said, plucking up my own cellphone from the coffee table. "Will you be able to get the Range Rover out?" I added.

"I should, it's a sport utility vehicle with four-wheel drive. I'll be back in a few hours," he said, placing his lips tenderly on mine.

"Hurry," I said, already missing him even though he wasn't gone yet.

"I'll be back before you know it," he said with the same reluctance I was feeling.

He closed the door quietly behind him and I felt bereft standing in my living room by myself. After being practically inseparable for the last five days, it felt strange to be alone. Irrational thoughts, sure, but I shook them off and headed to my bathroom so I could get ready.