“Oh, come on, Katherine,” I hear Brenna call, but I ignore her and hurry through the crowded restaurant, hoping no one is paying attention to me. My entire face is hot and I keep my head down as I exit the restaurant, exhaling loudly once I’m outside. The cool night air wraps around me, pulling me into its icy embrace, and a shiver passes over me as I tilt my head back and stare at the silvery moon above.
I’m tired of being scared. Of giving up before I should. Of never attempting something I want to do. That’s been my life since I was almost thirteen. Always giving up, or worse, never going after what I want. I remained in this fragile little protective shell, my head bent forward, my shoulders hunched, pretending I was invisible.
I try to come out of my shell and it still doesn’t seem to work. I don’t know what to do anymore. Don’t know how to act, how to feel.
How to live.
I reach for my wrist, sadness filling me when I realize yet again the bracelet isn’t there. It sits on my dresser, the broken charm lying next to it. I need to get that fixed. Or fix it myself. I bet I could if I just worked on it for a few minutes.
“Katherine.” I turn to find Brenna standing there, flushed and looking irritated. “They didn’t even serve our dinner yet.”
“I’m not hungry.” I sniff, turning my head so I don’t have to look at her. Thank goodness we met at the restaurant. I don’t think I could have handled being dependent on her to get a ride home, or having to give Brenna a ride back to her place. Talk about tense.
“You’re being ridiculous.” I send her a pointed look and she sighs. “I’m sorry. You know what I mean. Just . . . come back inside, K.”
“Why? So you can continue telling me how stupid I am?” I turn my back fully to her and cross my arms in front of my chest. I’m sick and tired of everyone voicing their opinions and basically insulting my life choices out of concern for my well-being. It’s a crock of shit.
The only one who treats me like I’m normal is Ethan. And half the time he ignores me, so I don’t know where I went wrong with him.
I curl my arms around myself and frown. Maybe this dating thing won’t work. Maybe this living-in-thereal-world thing won’t work either. Perhaps I’m better off living in that little protective shell, staying at home and never actually doing anything.
“We’ll talk about other stuff, okay? I’m sorry.” I hear Brenna’s heels click on the sidewalk and then her hand is on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. This time I don’t flinch. Slowly I glance over my shoulder at her and offer a wan smile. My heart just isn’t in it.
“Let’s go inside,” I say wearily, giving in.
Like always.
I wait for her outside the front of the coffee shop, pacing as I try to keep warm. It’s a Friday afternoon, one that started out sunny and bright but became cloudy around noon, leaving the sky dark and gray.
Depressing.
It’s a quarter after three and she’s still not here. I text her but there’s no reply. I’ve been stood up. I told myself if she didn’t show, I’d have to let her go once and for all. So I need to stand by my promise and let her be.
No matter how much it kills me.
Another ten minutes pass by and I finally give up, pissed off as I storm away from the busy coffee place. All sorts of people have been walking in and out of the shop, smiling and happy as they clutch their paper to-go cups. I want to knock all of those cups out of their hands, I’m so angry. So bitter at their happiness when I have none. I fucked up. I royally fucked up, let myself get too close to Katie, and now that I know what I’m missing, now that I can’t have her . . .
I’ll never be the same again.
Frustration fueling me, I keep walking, my gaze straight ahead, my strides long. I’m heading toward the boardwalk amusement park, surprised when I see a few of the rides running, hear screams coming from the roller coaster as it goes roaring overhead. I thought the season was over.
I don’t stop walking until I reach the entrance. I spot the banner hanging above my head and I pause.
LAST WEEKEND OPEN!
They close for the winter, always reopening in the spring. This was their last hurrah before they shut down for the season and without thought I enter the park, almost like I can’t help myself.
The scent of fried food lingers in the air, sweet and pungent. A seagull squawks and swoops down, picking up a piece of discarded soft pretzel on the ground nearby and flapping its wings wildly as it flies away. As I watch it go, I see a balloon drift in the sky, its bright pink color vibrant against the slate-gray clouds. Hear the crash of the waves against the sand and know there probably aren’t any families out there sitting on the beach. There’s no point. It’s too damn cold.
Like my heart. It’s cold. Like ice. It’s been that way for years. It was my only defense against my father when I was young. If I didn’t feel anything then he couldn’t hurt me, right? That’s what I told myself.