“What is that?”
“The vein that runs down the middle of the forehead,” the nurse responded almost robotically.
“Absolutely not,” I stated. “She’s been poked enough for now.”
“It really would benefit everyone if we got a line in,” Dr. Bailey said, trying to convince me.
“Is it necessary?”
“She will need bloodwork, yes.”
“No, I mean, is it necessary that you take her blood right here, right now? Is it vital?”
Dr. Bailey watched me closely, her lips pressed firmly together. Then I saw her shoulder relax. “No, it isn’t vital.”
“I want this whole procedure halted. Let her rest. They can try again at the hospital.” I heard my voice and I sounded firm. I sounded like I was in control. It was exactly the opposite of what I was feeling. Dr. Bailey nodded and moved back, as did all the nurses in the room. I picked Mattie up and pressed her to me again, swaying back and forth. She started rooting around and I breathed a sigh of relief to see that she was hungry. “Would it be ok if everyone left so I could nurse her?”
“Sure,” Dr. Bailey said softly. “I’ll alert you when the pediatric ambulance gets here.” After her words, she left along with everyone else, and I was left in a room with just Mattie and me.
“Sweet baby,” I said as I situated her at my breast. I spent ten glorious minutes alone with her, cherishing what I considered might be our last quiet moments alone for quite a while. “I’m going to take care of you, Sweet Girl. I promise.”
When I heard a soft knock on the door, I knew it was time to go. Mattie had fallen asleep as she ate and it hurt my heart to remove her from me. I tried to hold the tears back, but it was impossible. When the door opened, a softer Dr. Bailey stepped in and spoke quietly.
“The ambulance is here. You can either ride with them or you can follow behind.”
“I’ll ride with her.”
She nodded and led me back to the original examination room and helped me pack and get everything together. When the EMTs showed up with a gurney, I tried again, unsuccessfully, to hold it together, but still a few tears managed to make trails down my face. I watched as they strapped her car seat to the gurney and then one of them nodded at me.
“Follow us,” he said. And so I did.
We walked through the clinic and I felt like I was in a dream. I saw everyone’s eyes follow the gurney, see the car seat on top, see my baby, and I felt their pitiful stares. I knew, if I’d just been a person in that waiting room and had seen a tiny baby being wheeled out on a gurney, it would have broken my heart. I would have looked at the mother and felt so sorry for her. I felt that. I felt people looking at me like the worst thing in the world was happening to me.
And it was.
I couldn’t argue with their looks, couldn’t even put on a brave smile. There was no bravery left in me. All I had to hold onto was hope. And even that was slipping away.
For the second time, I found myself racing toward the hospital on the hill. Much like the first trip, when Ella had been taken there after Jason Ramie shot her, I was panicked. The feelings of not being in control, not being informed, took over and I found it difficult to stay calm. My heart pounded, my chest ached, and my hands shook.
The difference this time was, even though I felt uninformed and lost, a new feeling came over me: terror. I was frantic when Ella was in the hospital, afraid I’d lost her before I’d ever even really had her. But I had Mattie. She was mine. The very thought of losing her, of her light being taken away from me, caused me to lose the air in my lungs.
My whole body shook with sobs. I cried harder than I ever had before. One hand on the steering wheel, one hand covering my mouth or wiping tears from my face—I was a mess. I didn’t know what was wrong with Mattie, but if she was being taken by ambulance, I could only imagine that it was serious, and the unknown was the scariest and darkest place to be. My mind was full of images that were shredding me from the inside out. I imagined myself getting there too late, that she’d already be gone by the time I got there. Another sob racked my body as I imagined Ella having to deal with this all on her own. I prayed she wasn’t alone, but I also harbored really hateful feelings towards anyone who was with Mattie and Ella right now as I was stuck in this godforsaken truck, alone, on the freeway.
My mind continued to torture me until I suddenly found myself parked at the hospital. I blinked, surprised that I hardly remembered the drive. I climbed out of the truck and walked into the emergency room. I stopped at the first desk I saw.
“My daughter was brought here by ambulance. Where can I find her? Mattie Masters.”
“How old is your daughter?”