“It was a sub-dermal hematoma. It happened during birth. The doctors all said it would go away.” She listened to me, but just nodded. I placed Mattie on the white paper which covered the examination table, the crinkling and crackling sound it made seemed loud and intrusive in the quiet room.
“Ok, let’s see what’s going on with this little girl.” The nurse gently rolled Mattie to her side and pressed a stethoscope against her back, listening intently. I was afraid to breathe, afraid to move, afraid to blink even. She moved away after listening to a few different spots and put the stethoscope away, pulling out a different device I didn’t recognize. She went to place it on Mattie’s head and my hand shot out.
“Wait,” I said loudly, halting the nurse. “What does that do?”
The nurse laid a hand over mine and gave me a few reassuring pats.
“I’m sorry to have frightened you. This is just a thermometer. I’m going to take her temperature.” I watched as she rolled the thermometer over her forehead and ended up behind her ear. It was the strangest thermometer I’d ever seen.
“I’m sorry. I have never seen a thermometer like that. It just scared me a little. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Sweetie. You’re the momma. She’s your baby. I’d be concerned if you weren’t worried about her.” She sighed when she looked at the tiny digital screen on the device. “Her temperature is higher than we’d like it though.” She turned to the computer in the room and typed in some information then turned back to me.
“The doctor will be here in just a few minutes.”
I nodded and picked Mattie back up, cradling her against my chest, slowly rocking her back and forth. She wasn’t upset, wasn’t crying, wasn’t fussing at all. But I needed the comfort. I needed to hold her and press her against me, wanted her to feel me, know that I was there with her. A few tears fell down my cheeks, but I tried to keep it together.
When the door opened again, a woman wearing a white doctor’s coat walked in and gave me a sympathetic smile.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Bailey. How is little miss Mattie doing today? Let’s take a look.” She reached for Mattie and took her from me, unwrapping the blanket from around her tiny body. I saw her press her fingers onto her skin and then pull them away. She did this a few times and then listened to her breathe just as the nurse had. After what seemed like a lifetime, she handed Mattie back to me.
“So, Mrs. Masters, here’s what I’d like to see happen: We’re going to have an ambulance take Mattie to the children’s hospital at OHSU up in Portland. She has some sort of infection and it’s important that we get her to the hospital as soon as possible.”
My world stopped spinning.
“An ambulance?”
“Yes.” She gestured towards the baby again and unwrapped the blanket from her. “You see how when I press on her skin, it turns white, but then when I pull away it takes a long time for the color to come back? That’s not good. And with a baby her size and age, any fever is cause for concern.”
“Will she be ok?”
“We need to get her to the hospital.” Her refusal to answer my question only made me worry more. “There is a special pediatric ambulance service and I am going to give them a call. While we wait, I think we should try to draw some blood from Mattie to start investigating where the infection is.”
“Take her blood?” My mind raced and even though I tried to keep up with everything happening around me, I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t register what was happening. All I heard was infection and ambulance and Mattie. I squeezed her closer to me, afraid to let her go, afraid that once I handed her to someone else I might not get the chance to hold her again.
“We’ll take good care of her. I promise you that.” Dr. Bailey held her hands out, waiting for me to hand Mattie over, but I was frozen. “The ambulance will be here shortly. We don’t have much time. I’m so sorry, but this is important.” I looked up at her again, then back down to Mattie. I brought her tiny little body close to me again, pressed a kiss against her head, and then gave her to the doctor.
Dr. Bailey quickly took her and left the room, leaving the door open. I watched her leave and felt all the air leave my body. My hand came to my mouth and I felt a cry trying to escape, but nothing came—mouth open, tears welling in my eyes, lungs burning, but no sound.
How was any of this happening? She was perfectly healthy; we’d had no issues. My head started shaking and finally air seeped into my lungs. I gasped, panicking. I reached for my phone in my purse and called Porter.
“Hey,” he answered on the first ring. “I’m almost there. The traffic from the beach was ridiculous.”
I tried to answer him, to respond in some way, but nothing came from me aside from gasps of air.
“Ella, are you there?”
I let out a strangled sob.
“Oh, God, Ella what’s wrong?”
“Porter,” I whispered.
“Damn it, Ella! What’s going on? Is Mattie all right?” He sounded just as afraid and broken as I felt.
“They took her from me.”