I roll over and shut my alarm off before the offending buzzer can jar my already awake body. Sleep has eluded me since Aubrey told me the news. I thought that I’d be more upset, but the fact of the matter is I’m not, and that scares the shit out of me. I should be beside myself with grief, crying my eyes out in agony over the heartache I feel. But all I can tell myself is that this child wasn’t meant to be ours. Still, I have a room full of stuff that he needs, and I plan to give it to him.
My phone rings and Liam’s face appears. I slide the screen open and there he is, my husband. The one I have vowed to love, honor and cherish, and apparently lie to. I haven’t told him about the baby and Meredith. I can’t, at least not over the phone. Right now I feel like we’re Humpty Dumpty and one push will break us. It needs to be done face-to-face, in person, not over the computer or phone. I want to hold him when I tell him the news.
“Good morning,” he says right before he brings a mug of what I’m assuming is coffee to his lips.
“Morning,” I say, as I stretch. He leans forward, trying to get a peek. Unfortunately for him, there’s nothing to see. Since he made a comment about my boobs looking bigger, I’ve kept them hidden. I don’t want to tell him that I’ve been standing in front of the mirror each time I go to the bathroom to see if, in fact, they are.
“What are you doing today?”
“Well, I’m going to take a shower –”
“And think of me?”
I roll my eyes. “Is that all you think about?”
Liam nods since I’ve caught him mid drink. “Yes, babe. Every freaking minute because I haven’t been able to touch you and it’s driving me nuts.”
“You know this isn’t the first time you’ve been away.”
“I know. I missed you then as well, but this time it’s worse because I have downtime and you know how I hate having downtime.”
“I know. Anyway, after my shower, I’m going with Katelyn to take the kids to the cemetery and then we’re going to the park.” I don’t tell him that I’m meeting with Aubrey to fill out some paperwork. Meredith is required to pay us back for the expenses she incurred while contracted with us. The girl doesn’t have any money and part of me feels we should just let it go, but the other part thinks this would be a good life lesson.
“I need to call Noah later.”
“I’ll have him call you when we get to the park. I’m picking him up at Nick’s.”
“Okay, go take your shower and think about my hands all over your body.”
“I always do,” I tell him as I blow him a kiss.
“Love you, babe.”
“Love you, too.”
The screen goes blank and the room fills with silence. I wish Noah were here, but I understand Nick’s view on having him at his house for a few days. I have things to deal with that Noah just won’t understand.
Crawling out of bed, my legs ache. These past few days I’ve been sleeping far too long, even if it’s restless. Passing through my half empty closet, I remind myself to ask Liam for a date as to when he’s coming home. I need him here, and if he thinks home is going to become Los Angeles, he needs to tell me so we can figure things out. It’ll suck, but he’ll have to travel back and forth. He did it after he found out about Noah, and he can do it again. Although, I just want him back in Beaumont with us.
I stop in front of the mirror and lift my shirt over my head. I angle myself to see if I can see what he’s talking about. I don’t want to acknowledge that I’ve gained weight. I haven’t been to the gym in almost a month, and clearly it’s starting to show. I add calling Xander to my list of things to do today.
I step into the shower built for two and blast the hot water. It burns my chilled skin, but it’s a welcomed pain, reminding me that I still feel something. The more I think about the baby, the more it makes sense. Liam and I never discussed names. Neither of us brought it up. When I came across his grandfather’s name I thought it would be a good name, something to carry on. But I also thought Liam would insist we were naming the baby Mason, and he never did.
Mason… every day I think about him and the differences he’s made, even since he’s been gone. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have Liam and most importantly, neither would Noah.
“Hey.”
Mason sits down next me on the park bench. I say hi, but never meet his eyes. I’m focused on Noah and his determination to be a big boy on the playground.
“Have you talked to Katelyn?”
I smile, knowing full well why he’s here. “I have.”
“I knocked her up good.”
When he starts to laugh, I follow suit. Leave it to Mason to turn something scary into something funny. We sit there, watching Noah run from the slide to the swings and back.
“He’s missing out, Josie.”
I sigh and nod. I try not to think about Liam and everything he’s missing, but each time I look at my son, I see his father.
“You’re going to be an amazing father, Mason. Just promise me you’ll never leave her.”